A Letter From a 19 Year Old

Dear me, so it’s this time of year again isn’t it. It is currently November 6, 2020 8:51 pm and I am sitting on my kitchen floor underneath cherry wood cabinets with the stove to my right and the sink to my left as I am typing my annual letter to myself before my birthday in three days. Before writing this, I went back to last year’s post called Letter From an 18 Year Old, where I wrote to my future 19 year old self about what it was like being 18. I will ink that post below because I enjoyed reading it. It was crazy to see how much has changed and also hasn’t from last year. . . in more ways than one, but my gosh does that feel like forever ago when I was 18. Well, I am 19 now, about to be 20, and I guess, there’s a lot I want to say about that.

I should be working on a classroom management and a turtle essay right now 😅 but truthfully I haven’t blogged in a long time because school has taken over my life. If I’m being honest, I preplanned my blog post since the summer so I wouldn’t’ have to worry about wiring book reviews or monthly quotes and getting them up in time. So I haven’t really been writing about my feelings or being really in tune with my emotions. Forgive me if my blogging skills are a little rough with this post. But I thought, hey, I wrote last year’s letter on November 6, let’s do it again! 😆 So hasta la vista homework! Just joking, probably going to regret this later.😂.

As I mentioned I read last years letter to myself, and at the end of my letter I told my 19 year old self to take risks, make new friends, try saying yes, and to change my routine. Suffice to say, the pandemic has made doing all of that DIFFICULT. And that is an understatement. I wouldn’t say I failed my 18 year old self who thought her 19 year old self was going to live in a normal world, you know, doing normal things like seeing people, eating at a restaurant, or going out in general. My 18 year-old self never planned to live in a pandemic while I was 19 and in the chaos that was and is 2020 😅. So you know, I haven’t been taking risks because I am not about to go out without a mask just so I can “take a risk.” And heck, I do not even go out anymore because, frankly, yes, I am scared of going out where anyone and everyone might have coronavirus and you never know. And I just do not want to risk my health or the health of others by being inconsiderate by going out or not following precautions or guidelines. I haven’t seen people make friends 😅. I legit don’t even know what a friend is anymore. I mean, social life who? 😂 But I will say that is something I miss the most. I miss seeing people and getting to talk to random strangers and asking them how their day was or what their major is—-even all that uncomfortable side talk, I miss that. I am not the most social person, but I do miss human connection. I do see people when I do my daily runs outside and that really has been getting me through this whole year because it’s nice to see the same people outside and they say hi to me and I say hi to them. Those people I see everyday reminds me that there are people out there and how much I miss that. It’s crazy because I constantly think how in the beginning of the year, I was sitting in lectures and classes with PEOPLE. I do not even feel like that was this year. And it’s crazy to me how I’ve been doing Zoom University for the past four months with the same group of 15 wonderful, amazing girls, and I haven’t met the majority of them in person, but yet I still feel like I know them. I only met three people in my cohort because we had previous classes together, but it’s soooooo weird to think I haven’t met the other people and yet they feel like my second family. Heck, they’re the only people I “see” the most these days and talk to. They have been getting me through a lot too.

In short, have I been making friends? I guess . . . not really. And it sucks. Because every part of me wants to make friends and be that thriving 19, just turning 20 and in her prime girl, who has a lot of friends, who has her life together, and who is so confident in who she is, but you know I’m not.

This year has really tested everything I ever thought of myself, life, and the future. Because nothing is going to be “normal” to what it was. Not to be a downer, but I had dreams of when I graduated I really wanted to take a year to myself to travel to Europe and do something for myself. I wanted to see the world, see people, do adventurous things. Last year, I also wrote to myself I wanted to try new things because I am the type of person who has never done anything remotely adventures or exciting in her life. I go to school, I do homework, I read, I write, I blog, sometimes I watch TV, I barely watch movies anymore, I do more homework, I run, I eat, I sleep and repeat 😂. And that’s what I have been doing the last 19 years of my life. And when I look at it that way, it’s hard. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for everything I have, from an education, a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, a family who is supportive, clean water, fresh air, sooooo many things. My want for adventure and to experience life doesn’t not come from a place of being unthankful or unappreciative. I don’t know . . . have you ever felt like you just want to experience more?

I have felt that way my entire life.

Like I am waiting to do more.

To finally be ready or to push myself to do something more than just the same thing of school, homework, eat, run, repeat. Because I will admit I AM DULLER THAN A ROCK!!! ROCKS HAVE MORE FUN THAN ME.

TRULY.

But I now I do not know when I will get those experiences that I always felt like I wanted. There’s a pandemic, people are getting sick all over the world, there’s even more issues that were brought to light this year—there are soooo many things going on and it feels like what I want to do for myself doesn’t matter as much as the health of others and the world in needing it to be in a better state. And that’s fine.

It’s just hard.

It’s different.

I don’t know when I’ll get to travel.

I don’t know when I’ll see a person who isn’t in my family.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to safely take risks or change my routine.

But one of things I wrote last year, that I still need to work on is to enjoy life, memories, and family. This year has emphasized that sentiment even more. I have nothing but the absolute gratitude for my friends who have reached out to me or my family who has been there. I have so much love for the strangers who walk their dog in my neighborhood and who wave to me or try to talk to me. I miss people.

I also miss doing thing for myself like reading or blogging. Again, I haven’t blogged in forever, so this is one big word vomit of probably not even a letter to my 19 year old self at this point 😂, but I miss doing this. I just feel like when school is on, I do not care about myself or my well-being. And I have fully acknowledged how that is not healthy for me. I need to find a balance where I do things for myself because many times I say to myself that if I do not do school work, I am wasting time or I am not being productive. But I need to give myself grace. I also always say, I am not going to look back ten years from now and think about the hours I spent doing schoolwork, but the memories I made with the people I love and doing the things I love. Because I think about it all the time in how being a teacher is not a job you clock in and you clock out. You constantly have to be writing lessons, planning lessons, preparing lessons, and going above and beyond for your students and their families. Teaching is a full-time job and I do not think it will get any easier if I do not learn how to balance everything now.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about with this blog post, maybe another one about productivity, but this is a letter to my 19 year old self.

Being 19 is that spot right after you’re officially an “adult” and before you exit the teenage years. Honestly, it doesn’t even feel like that and it’s crazy to think that these next three days are my last days being a teenager. Do I have regrets of all the things I didn’t do as a typical teenager? All the time. But do I regret where I am now? No. Because everything that I did or didn’t do has lead me to this moment where I am on my third year in college in a education cohort of 15 girls. Each day I am learning invaluable skills and information on how to be the best educator I can be, and each day I am learning the depth of education and how amazing teachers are in what they do. They truly do not get enough credit, especially during this time. Truly the MOST UNDERRATED profession. But I’m doing the thing. I’m doing the thing my kindergarten self always wanted to do 💕.

True story, but when I was in kindergarten, I told myself I wanted to be a teacher. I remember I would play with my Expo markers and white board in front of my fake class and I had sticker charts and stamps. I had a “student” named Cinnamon Roll because I loved Hello Kitty characters 😂. I was that kid. But I knew in my heart that that was what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I hear a lot about how when you get older, you do not know what you want to do when you grow up. And I get it. That’s a lot of pressure to pick a career for the rest of your life when you’re only 18 or 19. Like no one knows what their doing! 😂 But everyday I am thankful that I knew what I wanted to do because it just felt right to me—something I was passionate about. And I’m doing it at 19. Not teaching, but working towards becoming what my younger self always wanted to be. And I think that’s something beyond proud of being.

But you know, it’s difficult too when you’re 19 and you feel like you should rush out all the teenage things you didn’t do or experience before you turn 20. I haven’t been to a party, I haven’t drank alcohol, I have never had a boyfriend, I have never traveled, etc. Recently, I have been comparing my life with other people my age and all they have done and are doing now. . . and it truly feels like I am behind on something.

There’s this saying about how when you’re in your 20s you start to compare your life to everyone else’s around you. I never fully understood that until recently. Some of my friends got engaged and married. Some of my friends have BABIES! Not that that’s wrong, just it’s WOW that their my age and they are already achieving a big milestone like that. Some of my friends have serious relationships where they have moved in with their significant other.

And here I am . . . never kissed a boy, never a hugged a boy, never held hands with a boy, never traveled, never partied (not that I want to), never experienced all these things that I feel like other 19 year olds have already done. And even more so, feeling like every 19 year old is doing things that I do not even know when I will. I know I shouldn’t compare my life to others because I am on my own timeline, but it’s hard not to when it feels like you’re so behind in the race there is no way you’re going to catch up either way. Life is not a race though. And I need to remind myself that this is my journey and I am going at my own pace, doing my own thing. And we need to remember that we are all doing the best we can, more so right now too, and doing it our way. If someone else is achieving all these things or hitting these milestones, you are eons behind on, that does not take away from your accomplishments or your journey. It means, you just have more road to travel on to figure things out. It means there are more pages in your story leading up to those milestones. And that’s fine. Of course, I am going to make a book analogy, some books are bigger than others 😅. Enjoy the story.

Being 19 is also confusing. Because you do not want to grow up, but you also kind of do. I have heard it time and time again that, “Oh, the 20s are the worst and best and most transformative years of your life.” Sounds exciting and terrifying. Truthfully, I am terrified. It’s weird to think how when I was nine, all I wanted was to be ten—to be double digits. Now I’m 19 and I’m double digits times two and it’s hard to understand that I am growing up. It’s hard to understand that ten years ago I was ten years old without boobs, a butt, and no care in the world (and no pandemic either 😂). But it’s soooo weird because it doesn’t even feel like that was ten years ago. In those ten years I have grown in tremendous ways my little self never knew I was going to experience.

I never knew my parents were going to divorce, maybe I kind of did, but I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t it to happen. But it did. And I thought that would be the wreck of me, and it was, but it wasn’t. It built me. I moved many houses over the last ten years from a house down the street to another right across my middle school and another right down the street from my high school 😂. No wonder I love school so much, I’m always living so darn close it! 😂 But no, I moved around a lot and I would NEVER think I would be where I am today, heck the place where I live now wasn’t even built until a few years ago. That within itself is a crazy thought: how the town I grew up in was always expanding and is expanding still, and how where I live is part of that expansion. Part of that growth. I never thought I would be valedictorian or that I would EVER be an officer for the National Honor’s Society at my school. I was given the pity role of historian because there were like seven officers and I was the one who happened to be related to the former National Honor Society’s president and other member 😂. But I never thought I would take on a leadership role like that. But I did and I had fun making PowerPoints for our meetings and getting to know an amazing group of people. I loved being in the know of what the club was doing—like I was in on a secret.

I never thought I would make mural at my high school as my senior project. You know, go big or go home!! Or graduate in my case 😂. But I did make a mural and it took me months and lots of time and effort and cutting and painting disks (don’t ask), but I did. I did it with help. And you know, that’s what life is about, you ask for help when you need it. I never thought I would be in an education program in high school and met the most amazing, wholehearted people. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the people who were in my academy in high school and if they are reading this, they know who they are from Courtney, to Marky Mark, to Jess, Des, Brandson, Ryan, Kawhei, Davi, Jordan, Shelby, Kylie and other wonderful people. I am thankful for Isabella, Brenna, Shynn, Lauren, etc. So thankful for them.

I never thought I would have an eating disorder and had to find my emotions, my love, and passions again. I never thought I would have to recover from that. It was a journey for sure, a journey I still am healing from each day. I really need to write that blog post 😅. I never thought I would ever, like ever start a blog. I truly just started this on a whim because I saw someone else’s book blog and I thought it was sooooo aesthetic and cool how this person had a cool format and wrote all these book reviews and life things, that I wanted to do that too. I was lonely and sad in 2018, so I said let’s start a blog. And here I am two years later. My blog might not be well known, but it is truly and absolutely one of the things I am most proud of. Genuinely. I never thought I would I would ever love shopping or fashion. I grew up not spending a lot because our family was very tight on money, and we still are, but I have been better about spending and saving. And I just love fashion and the way an outfit makes me feel confident—-it’s my armor like the way makeup is other people’s armor. I never thought I would have formed for two years and got through my first two years of college because that was a ride and a half, literally. My second year got cut in half because . . . you know. . . pandemic 😂. But I dormed by myself and it sucked the first year, and the second year I was starting to enjoy my independence until I had to adjust to being home again. I remember when I first started dorming, I DETESTED it because I just never was away from home for a long time before then. So it was a new experience for me and I didn’t like being away from family and feeling like I was missing out on birthdays, holidays, or just quality time and moments. I missed home-cooked meals. I missed home. But I got through it.

Point being, I can’t believe where I am today in how far I’ve come in ten years. Each moment has shaped me to who I am and I cannot be more thankful for that—the good and the not-so-good moments. Because you don’t get to choose whether or not you have good or not-so-good moments, but you do get to choose how you react or respond to that. Or how you learn from that. And all the moments that have lead up to me being 19, sitting on the floor right now, has made me me. I’ve had friendship breakups, friendship drifting, I have less friends than I did before. I have a smaller family, but more love. I have so much to be grateful for an appreciative for and I know I have people in my corner who support me an believe in me and that is MORE than I can ask for.

So being nine or ten truly feels like another lifetime when I was so insecure and chubby and shy. Granted I am the same now, but it feels like nothing has changed but everything has and everything will.

That is the quote of being 19.

It feels like nothing has changed but everything has and everything will.

Because I am the same person I was when I was ten. Yet I am someone who has maybe not a lot of boob 😂 or a lot of butt, but someone who is taller, maybe more filled out. I am someone who feels more comfortable in my own skin, and gosh knows I couldn’t say that four years ago. I am someone who loves fashion and wearing the most frivolous outfit or the most bohemian style clothes. I am someone who loves reading young adult fantasy and romance books because they bring me absolute joy. Heck, I love to read kids comic books too! I am someone who loves watching throwback shows and lots of Youtube. I am also not ashamed to say I like kid’s TV shows like The Babysitters Club or Alex Garcia Takes Expanding Universe. I still enjoy baking, I may not do it as much because I do not make time for it, but I love playing with bread because it feels like dough. I love hanging out with my cousins because it feels like I can be an older sibling to them when I grew up as the youngest. I love seeing people happy and in love because I just want the utmost happiness, health, and joy for people. I love dogs so much I can’t have a dog until I graduate. Specifically corgis! If you know anywhere I can get a corgi, comment it below! I am desperate!!! 😆 I am someone who doesn’t have a lot of close friends anymore and who I may not talk to as much, but there is not an ounce of me that has lost any love for my friends. I miss them each and every day. And you know, it’s hard to find good people, yet alone good friends who will stick by your side for years, but I have had friends who I have known since elementary school, some even in kindergarten who still stick around with me, and they know who they are. If they are reading this, from the bottom of my heart thank you for being part of my life and helping me become the person I am today.

I am someone who is shy and who is learning to be proud of that.

I am someone who is kind and would much rather go out of my way to help someone than do something for myself.

I am someone who pours my whole body, mind, and soul into work I am passionate about.

I am someone who is learning to be okay with being independent. Because I grew up thinking I needed a relationship to be happy and I always felt nervous that I was never going to meet someone. But I am trusting the process and my growth in accepting that I will be okay. That I have my back and my love.

I am someone who is passionate about human rights, climate change, and politics even though they are highly controversial topics.

I am someone who is 19 who lived during a pandemic, a black lives matter movement, a bee infestation, and Trump.

I am proud of the person I am each and every day to know I fought through some of the most darkest moments ever since I turned ten.

Gosh knows, I have been through it to get here. And there were days where I questioned my worth and value. There were months I felt numb, sad, and hopeless because I didn’t know who I was anymore or what happiness was. There were years I hated who I was because people made me feel like I was ugly or I was too shy. There were so many moments I felt like I hit rock bottom or I wanted to give up. But I didn’t.

I am here.

And there is nothing more gratifying than that. To know I am thankful to be here each and every day to learn and grow.

And yes, you are getting older, going on to be 20, but don’t be scared because you have so much more life to live and things to experience.

I always tell myself just because I haven’t kissed a boy or been in a relationship, that it will mean so much more when it does happen.

I still believe in that.

And I still believe in my own self-love.

I still believe that there’s more past this pandemic and we will get through this and it will make us be more grateful for life and people. I know it has form so far.

You are going to turn 20, but that does not mean you are “old,” it means you are growing more everyday. And that’s perfectly fine. Because think back to when you were nine and said you wanted to be older, and think of you know. You are growing, and that’s not something to completely fear, but embrace. Growing up is undoubtedly scary because you don’t know what will happen or when, but you have to just live. Live and enjoy it. Tell people you love them. Celebrate life with people who fill your life with laughter, joy, and happiness. Make memories with people and do things for yourself. Take care of your mind, body, and soul. And trust in the process and where you are heading.

Your kindergarten self would be proud. Your nine your old self would be proud.

Your 19 year old self is proud. You have accomplished so much this year, even if it doesn’t feel like you did.

1. You lived through a pandemic.

2. You lived through one of the most critical elections.

3. You experienced a POWERFUL movement with Black Lives Matter.

4. You got into the college of education cohort!

5. You made great friends pre-covid.

6. You adjusted to virtual learning like a champ!!! 👏🏼

7. You’re getting through your first semester of your education cohort as best as you can.

8. You grew your Instagram page for the blog. Maybe not a lot, but you grew 😅

9. You actually let yourself eat more.

10. You finished draft 4 of project blue!

11. You got back into art.

It might not seem like a lot, nor the most meaningful accomplishments, but those are things to celebrate. Life should be celebrated. And we need to celebrate each moment we have no matter how small it may seem. But truly, no moment is too small to celebrate.

But here is my advice to my 20 year old self when she looks back and reads this. You lived in the middle of a pandemic when you were 19 and that is something not everyone can say. No one expected this or no one expected it would last this long. Gosh only hopes that a year from now I can read this and SCREAM FROM THE RAFTERS that things got better. But we don’t know. But I do know, just keep living and being. Keep growing and figuring out what makes you happy and brings you joy.

“Happiness is what you do, not what you have.”

This is something I heard recently from Gretchen Geretety’s podcast the Happy Hour. I think it was the episode with her friend Arlin Moore, and he said that. And I thought to myself, wow, he’s right. Because happiness isn’t what you have—it’s is not the closet full of clothes, the expensive bags, the countless shoes, the fancy laptop, the new phone, whatever. It’s what you do. It is painting that picture you always said you never had time for, it’s baking the bread you wanted to months ago but said you had to do something else first, it’s putting on a bomb outfit that makes you feel comfortable and confident, it it is running and moving your body, it is eating to nourish your body, it is spending time with family, it is sending a message to a friend, it is organizing and cleaning and redecorating, it is blogging, it is writing, it is reading. All of those things are actions. It is what you do that makes you happy. It is not about what you have because that is not going to bring you true joy at the end of the day.

It is action. Happiness is an emotion that requires action. And you have been saying this year a lot that you are sad. I understand that, and it’s okay to be sad. But when you feel that sadness kicking in, get up, and do what makes you happy. Not as a way to push down your emotions, because girl feel your emotions, but when you feel them, do not let them get you down because then you are only getting your own self down. But do what makes you happy.

Be happy.

I don’t know I feel all I ever want is to be happy and it is something I still hope for us—for you.

Make more friends if and when you can and do not be afraid to put yourself out there when it is safe to do so, so you can meet new people and have human connections. Keep advocating to get the corgi of your dreams because I think we’re wearing my dad down enough that I can get a dog, so keep at it! 😆 I manifest this time next year we WILL have A CORGI!

Manifest it with me everyone! 😂

No seriously.

😂 Joking, but not.

Keep writing and working on project blue because I truly believe that that is the book that people will relate to and it’s about time people heard your story. I think there’s true magic in project blue. Send those queries, reach out to the beta readers, and go for it. The worse they can say is no. But don’t give up on it because project blue is too meaningful to throw away or to let sit on my desktop for no one to read it. Trust me, it is wroth someone to look at. But be patient when you do queries and don’t rush into it like last time. But still go for it.

Continue your education. Gosh knows there are going to be more breakdowns during this cohort program, but you have endured the hardest teachers in the past, and you can get through this as well. As they say, nothing hard ever came easy. And being a teacher is not easy, but it is beyond worthwhile and gratifying. You can do it. When you feel like it is overwhelming or too much, just remember all the times it felt like that and how you got through it. Just think one more year of college and then it’s done. Maybe we’ll have a teaching job or are looking for one by this time next year.

And I think the last thing I want to say to my 20 year old self, no matter where you are in life right now—if the pandemic is still going on, if you do not have a lot of friends, if you are not in a relationship, or if you do not have a dog—it is okay. More than okay. Give yourself kindness and grace each day. Your life is not a movie, nor is it someone else’s. It’s yours and what you make of it and what you’re doing is fine. You are not wrong for anything you haven’t or have experienced, and you are not wrong for wanting to experience more. But trust that things will be okay and that everything happens for a reason. Trust in yourself, your confidence, your joy, your strength. Because there is no one stronger. We’ve been on a rocky road for the past decade if we want to be technical about it, but going through that has made us stronger so we can face whatever is to come. We’ve got this. It is okay.

Here is goodbye to being a teenager and to being 20 soon.

I am sacred,

terrified,

sad,

but

curious,

excited,

and hopeful.

It’s going to be okay.

Happy birthday to me,

Love,