What You Owe to Yourself

Dear you, so many things have happened in life that have tested me time and time again. Things that have tested my resilience, my patience, my love, my mental and physical health, and just me. I have gone through a lot of things that I will probably open up about more as time goes on and I feel comfortable to do so.

But something happened fairly recently that just put me through the grinder when I thought I was done being defeated.

It just goes to show you that life can hit you with things at unexpected moments.

Now here’s the thing, sometimes it’s okay to be sad. Sometimes it’s okay to wake up and not feel the best. It’s okay to drag your butt to work or school or to feel down for no reason at all. There are some days that just feel like that and it’s totally natural. There are some days where I wake up and feel unhappy or down for no reason at all. That’s not to say that I’m not thankful, blessed, or grateful for everything I do have in life—-and gosh do I dislike it when people tell me to be happy like it’s the easiest thing to do in the world, when it’s not. They make it sound like I have so much to be happy for and I know I do, but they don’t understand that sometimes unhappiness for a day doesn’t equate to being ungrateful for everything—–it’s due to this feeling of just not being happy at the moment.

But there was one week last February where I just felt good. I woke up, go to class, and did my thing. I had a fairly good attitude about things. I didn’t feel as alone. I didn’t feel tired or weak. I was just good. And that was better than how I felt the other week before that—–tired, sad, lonely, and moody.

And then came that Friday and everything just fell to pieces inside of me.

I have never cried so hard, so badly, so vigorously, and so unapologetically in my life. I have never cried so much that my hands were shaking, my eyes were glazed and crossing over, my head hurting until the point I felt dizzy when I walked. NEVER. And I’ve had my fair share of dramatic break downs in full out sobs. But I have never felt like I was going to faint from crying and it was THE WORST feeling in my life that I NEVER want to put myself through or experience again.

And it’s because I put myself in a bad situation with people who haven’t really supported me in life. I don’t have a good relationship with one person in my life, whom most people always have a good relationship with (sounds cryptic, I know 😅, but for privacy sakes, we prefer it that way). But I’m not most people. I always feel the need to please this one person and to be there and to talk to her and to be friendly when my whole past revolves around me crying my heart out and suffering mentally and physically due to her. I can’t express how badly I feel every time I think about her because it hurts to know that she’s the one who caused me so, so much pain.

Looking back on everything, I noticed she was the one person who always made me cry—–the reason for my tears, my insecurities, my heartbreak, and my unhappiness. And I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I did by her. I didn’t need to be made small, to feel ugly about myself, or that I was a “tomboy.” I didn’t need to wake up everyday as a kid thinking that I wasn’t good enough or that I had to go to grandma’s house because I wasn’t loved or wanted at home. I didn’t need to feel like that. No one does.

Everything changed when things split in my family and at the time, I saw it as the most devastating, life changing thing in my life. And it was hard.

But there was a part of me that felt relieved.

I felt like I could breathe again.

No longer was I crying myself to sleep or feeling bad for who I was.

No longer was I beating myself up for not looking a certain way or dressing a certain way to be considered a girl. I was okay.

And I have been better than before. But she’s still a part of my life and has to be because that’s her role. And there’s no escaping that—–there’s no escaping her.

She’s tired to talk to me and she’s tried to be kind. But nothing can ever replace all those horrible words, actions, and things I remember enduring as a kid. There’s forgiveness and there’s moving on, but there’s never forgetting.

I have forgiven her for what she has done and I have tried to move on, but I can’t fully forget. So it’s hard for me to see her more than what she made me feel everyday of my life.

The days she tries to enter my life, it’s SO HARD. It’s like finally being free of the chains that bound you to something that tortured you, but always finding yourself linked back in the same place. Hurting, lost, confused.

I don’t know how to deal or handle those types of situations. How do you move on from someone who has caused you so much pain and still does when they have to be a part of your life?

And that day when I cried the worst I have ever cried, I tried to be so mature about it in telling hers to stop pushing a nerve and to just be quiet. I tried to be kind and to tell her to stop and to leave it alone. But she just kept pushing and the tears just kept coming.

That’s the moment I realized I was done.

I was done trying.

I was done trying to include her in my life when she walked away, when she only caused me nothing but tears and pain because my unhappiness wasn’t worth it to keep a toxic relationship going. My mental health wasn’t worth the tears or the pain of trying to keep a relationship that’s not healthy for me.

I can’t keep putting myself through the gutter, through the grinder, through heck and back just because she’s supposed to be in my life when she has caused me nothing but pain time and time again.

And you owe it to yourself to distance yourself from unhealthy people and situations that make you unhappy. Your happiness isn’t worth keeping a relationship or being in a situation that doesn’t make you a better or stronger. You should try to make the relationship work, but at the end of the day, if that relationship or situation brings you nothing but misery or sadness, you don’t need it in your life. You have to put yourself first even if it’s hard and the other person doesn’t get it.

Life is too short to surround yourself with negativity and things that bring you down. You have to surround yourself with positivity and things that encourage you, uplift you, and empower you. You have to know the limit in when things get hard and when you need to walk away.

There is no weakness or fault in walking away and doing what is best for you.

It’s not selfish and it’s not wrong.

It’s selfless and strong.

This is your life, this is your happiness, and this is your story, so don’t go writing it with a frown and with people who only make you want to cut your story short or who make your story a horrible mess when it should be something about beauty and growth.

You will get through whatever toxic relationship you have in life. I guarantee you. I’m still going through it and I probably will for the rest of my life.

But I know, I’m done trying to make something out of nothing anymore.

I owe myself that.

You owe yourself that.

And never feel bad for letting go of people who don’t make you happy. Maybe they need to be let go of to do their own thing and to grow as a better person on their own. Maybe that relationship or person isn’t right for you. Maybe they’re a good person, but just toxic for you. And that’s okay. People can still be good people, but just not good for you.

So whatever relationship you’re in right now, really think deep down, is the pain, the agony, the sadness worth keeping it? Is it worth staying in it? Is it worth your happiness? If the answer is yes, fight for it. Fight everyday to keep that relationship alive if it means so much to you. Because if you both are fighting to make it work, then one day if things are meant to be, it will work. But if things fall a part and don’t work out, then don’t worry because at least you tried to salvage it and save it.

But if the answer is no.

Then leave.

Don’t let it come to the point where you cry yourself to sleep or when you can’t feel you hands or see when you cry. Don’t let it come to the point where it’s abusive physically or psychologically. Or don’t let it come to the point where you feel like life isn’t worth it.

Life is worth it, trust me.

You just haven’t been treated kindly by people when you should have.

So walk away from that person or situation and don’t look back.

Life is about moving forward and you can’t do that with people holding you back.

Trust me when I say this, when you walk away and you allow yourself distance from whatever oppressed you, you will have room to breathe, to grow, to bloom, and be happy.

You will be free.

Know what you deserve.

I hope you find yourself nothing but happiness and good people in life 💕

And as always, with love,