Letter From an 18 Year Old

Dear me, I write this on November 6, 2019 three days before my birthday. I decided to write this because I think it will be nice to look back on and think about how I felt in the moment as an 18 year old and the things I learned because sometimes life goes by way to quick that you don’t really get to process the moment or process what it means to be where you are now and I just wanted to have a space where I could process it.

So what’s it like being an 18 year old?

I mean, it’s the age where you’re technically an adult even if it doesn’t feel like it. It’s the time where you can legally vote, which I still need to do. Someone please make there an election day so I can vote and exercise my right as an 18 year old 😆 . It’s also the age where typically people graduate from high school and go to college and go to college I did. I’m born late, so that meant I graduated when I was 17 and started college as a 17 year old. Doesn’t mean I started school late or anything though or that I got ahead in school and that’s why I started school earlier. Just thought I’d say that because people always get that confused when I tell them that. But being an 18 year old in college a few semesters in was different.

I’m not going to lie. It wasn’t like when I turned 18 fireworks went off and Uncle Sam came parading down the street, pointing at me like, “You can vote,” and it’s not like I was suddenly more mature. The only thing that changed was my age. I didn’t feel different on that exact day November 9, 2018. I felt like me, but a me that was more aware of how old I was.

It’s crazy how age is just a number, but it’s who you are inside that determines your maturity or what you believe.

And that’s the biggest thing I’ve learned about being 18. It’s not about all the rights and things you gain with being able to vote. being considered an adult, or even being at an age where you go to college, it’s about your mindset and how you take that age and make it yours.

I feel like last year was a year for me to heal based on the other years.

2016 was my rock bottom

2017 was my recovery

2018 was my healing

2019 is my revival.

This is the year I feel like I have grown mentally.

Don’t get me wrong, I have still have a so much room for growth when it comes to my mental health, but I feel like right now in this place in my life, that’s its been better than it has been in the past.

When I was 16, I could honestly say I didn’t love myself. I felt yucky in my own skin, I didn’t like the girl who stared back at me in the mirror, I didn’t feel like i could dress how i wanted—–fashion who?—–because I wasn’t the “right” size, I didn’t feel confident, but I just didn’t feel happy. And that jumpstarted this whole journey I went on and that really challenged me physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was my honest to gosh rock bottom where I cried myself to sleep every night or told myself I couldn’t eat this or that because I was going to gain weight from it and I was going to get bigger.

I was someone who did all the things I did in the past based on hate for myself. And recently, I read this thing online on body positivity about how you can still be body positive and work out, but it has to come from a place of love.

“Work out not because you hate yourself, but because you love yourself.”

And when I read that, I really had to sit back.

In 2016, I worked out and tried to do all these “healthy” things for me because I hated myself. I ran super fast and super long because I wanted to lose all this weight instantaneously and I wouldn’t eat for hours on end because I thought that no calories meant skinny and that was going to make me happy. That that was going to make me love myself. And when I did that, I can also tell you I wasn’t the best mentally either. And I can talk about this in another post about my journey, so you can be on the lookout for that.

But looking at that quote and looking at where I am now, there’s such a difference in my mentality now in how I work out and chose to make healthy choices. I don’t work out because I want to be super skinny or be this idealized image of “perfect.” I don’t work out now because I hate myself, but because I love myself. I don’t say this in a narcissistic way, but in a way that I chose the lifestyle I live out of love for taking care of my body, my mind, and my health. I don’t do it because I feel that pressure from society or myself to maintain this image of what I should be, but because I want to be the healthiest I can be. Even today, when I know I’m going to run at the gym and I’m tired and I don’t want to, I tell myself, you’re doing it out of love for yourself. And I can thoroughly tell you that when I’m running and no matter how dog-tired I am, I feel great afterwards in knowing that my body was able to do that and I was able to clear my mind and focus on nothing except my heartbeat and my workout. Working out has brought me so much clarity and such a needed space for my anxious, overwhelmingly sad moments. And you know what they say, you never regret a workout. I think you might if you hurt yourself pretty badly, but I truly believe that.

And touching on those sad moments, I was just so sad in the past in a way that was so unhealthy that I didn’t even realize how wrong it was. I kid you not, not even a year ago, I WANTED to cry myself to sleep because I was so used to it that I felt like it was wrong if I didn’t—-like somehow I deserved to cry myself to sleep. That’s so unhealthy and so wrong. I say this now because it’s been a year, and I haven’t wanted that feeling and I haven’t been crying myself to sleep as much. Yes, there are days when you just ball your eyes out because you’re emotional and you need to feel that, and I think those moments are completely healthy, but there are more moments when I’m sitting in bed and I think of all the things I’m grateful for and I recap my day. That’s something I’ve been trying to do ever since I started college is that every night before bed, I list the ten things I’m grateful for whether it be eating a sandwich, having time to watch TV, someone who said hi to me, literally anything or everything that just made my day. And I haven’t noticed the overall change from crying to gratitude because it was such a subtle shift, but now that I’m thinking about it, just saying what you appreciate everyday really makes you go to sleep with a much positive mindset in knowing like, yes, you might not have won the lottery or met Selena Gomez that day, but there are so many small wins that you should be proud and thankful for. I feel like spending that time to list those things helped me forget about wanting to cry, but wanting to appreciate how much I have.

It was recently when I realized that I really haven’t been tearing up as much or breaking down like I used to. And it feels weird, but oddly freeing. It’s kind of like when you have done something for so long and then suddenly you quit it or you stop, and that feeling or sensation stops, but when you continue with life it just feels wrong because here you are moving on and you left that thing behind. For me, the thing I left behind was that constant need to be sad or to cry.

I was at my sisters birthday dinner the other day and I felt myself retreating back into that kind of saddened mentality that it felt weird to me because it’s been so long since I felt like that. As weird as it sounds, I used to cry every time I went out with my family to dinner’s or whatever and there’s a deeper reason behind this that I’ll talk about in my health journey blog post, but I would cry for no reason besides just feeling like I had to be sad. I would tear up and looking at it now, I’m like why? Why did I do that? But that girl last year or a couple years ago wasn’t at her best mental state because she was still dealing with coming to terms that no one knew what she went through and was going through or could understand how she was still healing through it all. She was always put in a place with people who tested her in so many ways because those situations triggered her. There was food and there was family and to me that was triggering and I would cry. So I’m at my sisters birthday dinner and it’s the same place I went to in the beginning of the year for my brothers birthday dinner and that girl on January 3, 2019 probably teared up, she felt beyond awkward, and she was so in her head about everything because she felt slightly sad. But the person who was at her sisters birthday dinner on November 2, 2019, she teared up again. Big surprise. She teared up without realizing why and then I did. I knew it was because that being at that place again brought me back to the beginning of the year to that girl who was sad and teared up all the time. But this time, I teared up and caught myself. I caught myself and told myself, you know what, you’re fine, you’re doing okay, take a breath and look how far you’ve come.

Because I have come far even in a year.

So much can happen in a year that can change you and your mindset.

So much has.

I started to look at things and appreciate them for what they are.

I started to look at my health journey as something I do out of love rather than hate.

I started to look at crying myself to sleep overnight as unhealthy and instead replaced it with celebrating everything I have.

I started to look at school and think how grateful I am to have the opportunity to know I have an education when someone people can’t afford it or don’t have access to an education.

I started to look at moments and see them as time to relish in because those are the things I’m going to look back on and smile, laugh, maybe cry at because those are the things that matter. I learned to be present.

I started to look at alone time, as time to grow and be independent. To be happy with where I am right now even if I don’t have a significant other or a lot of friends, to know that I am loved and I matter.

I started to look at food with a smile and appreciate every hand or every animal that came before that helped prepare or the things that make up the food in knowing food isn’t the enemy, it’s the fuel. Nourish myself with it.

I started to look at clothes as a way to express myself and a way to adorn myself with what makes me feel confident and happy. I used to dress to how I felt (you can read that in my Passion for Fashion blog post that I’ll link below). But now I dress in things that I feel good in, not for anyone else.

I started to look at the world with such wonder and gratitude, but also sorrow in knowing we need to be better about our impact and knowing I can make a difference small as it may be.

I started to look at friendships as a relationship that should make me happy and not uncomfortable. If someone doesn’t want to talk to me, isn’t making me happy, or makes me feel like I can’t be myself, then that person isn’t the right friend for me. That person isn’t a bad person, just not for me and that’s okay because not everyone can be friends with everyone, but we can treat everyone with kindness.

But I started to look at myself in the mirror and appreciated and loved the person who stared back. I look at her not in a egotistical way and think, “wow, you’ve come far and you still have far to go, but you’re going to be okay.” I am going to be okay. Hopefully.

Because I’ve been through the gutter with a lot things, I’ve felt lonely, I’ve cried so many tears I could dive in it and never reach the bottom, I’ve felt insecure to the point I would have literally worn a potato sack over my head, I’ve felt it all. And I’m still standing. I’m still growing. I’m still being. And I have to appreciate myself for keeping on when I could have fell into a rut of utter sadness, I could have cried more nights, I could have resorted back to unhealthy habits, I could be a lot worse mentally, physically, and emotionally. But I’m okay. Or I’m going to be okay each day. You’re going to be okay.

Because this is a letter to you—-to me.

This is a letter saying you’re 18 and it’s a year of finding what makes you happy and what’s going to make you feel okay. You don’t have to have your whole life figured out at 18 because gosh knows people older than you don’t, but you should work to figure you out. You can work on you. Pout that love into yourself so that you can grow and be ready for when the time comes and you meet someone you can share your life with.

I’m the type of girl who is 18 and I have never been in a relationship and part of me has always felt kind of embraced for that like there’s something wrong with me. I often thought being in a relationship would make me happy or I needed to be in love to be happy, but I had an epiphany, like truly, an epiphany last year that I shouldn’t reserve my happiness for a guy, but I should be happy right now. Which is something I also learned. My happiness has to come from me and it has to come now, everyday, every moment as much as it can because gosh knows there will be those hard days and that’s okay. But to try to be happy as much as I can and figure out what makes me happy.

I have found love with Youtube with people who are so honest and genuine that it makes me feel like I know them to some extent or that I’m friends with them. I love Adalaine Morin, Remi Ashten, Taylor King, Alisha Marie, Ashely Nicole, Tarynne Renee, LauraDIY, Tiffany Ma, or Meredith Foster. Like those are some genuine people right there. I have found a love with podcasts, which, I kid you not, is the introverts best way to feel like you have people around you and to feel like you’re in a conversation with someone or like you have a social life when you don’t. But I love listening to podcasts whenever I’m in a rut where I feel confined in my dorm or in my head or just utterly lonely. I love laughing with Unsolicited Advice, ugly crying with Pretty Basic, doing the polls with TK’s Juicy Podcasts, or just having a girls day in with That’s What We Said. Podcasts have helped and I didn’t even know they were a thing. I still like to read and try to find time for it, but lately it’s been hard to read as much with school going on. I’ve also been in a reading slump because I feel like there comes a point when you read sooooooo much YA romance that you really start to knit pick how the romance is just lacking in some ways. Like it’s a good book, but it’s just not the best anymore, like no book has WOWED me in a while. So it’s been rough. I love writing and it is my utter passion in life, but it’s been hard because I advent’ had the time to write when I have to prioritize things for school. I’ve been hard on myself because that sounds like an excuse and if I wanted to write I would make time for it, but sometimes things are tough, doesn’t mean I don’t want to write, just means I have to put other things first.

I love blogging as of recently because, hey, it’s been almost a year of having a blog and it’s been helping me be accountable for what I read and to really collect my thoughts. As much as I am an introvert, I love talking to people because I genuinely love getting to know a person and what makes them them. I don’t have a lot of friends—–not to sound deprecating——but I miss talking to people everyday and just having a friend who understands/gets me, you know? I also love fashion and expressing who I am because fashion should be fun and if I want to wear a bright yellow fuzzy sweater that makes me feel like Big Bird, then I will because who are you to judge.

As to what I have accomplished as an 18 year old?

Let’s see.

1. Survived my first year of college

2. Wrote and fully edited my first ever book called Project Teal, but actually has a real title that you may or may not get to know one day

3. Queried about 30 literary agents and got rejects, but hey, it’s okay!!

( I’m planning to do a blog post too on the querying process and project teal—can check my writing diaries for these)

4. Started and finished the draft of my second book called Project Blue (has a real title)

5. Started a blog that I need to grow

6. Focused on my bookstagram account more—-link in the socials on the title bar of the blog 💛

7. Made a new friend my sophomore year of college

8. Have been kinder to myself in knowing that it’s okay to not be okay or to give my body time to rest

9. Finished One Day at at Time, Jane the Virgin, Stranger Things season 3, and The Good Place

10. Got my wisdoms taken out and boy was that a story 😅

11. Focused on myself and knowing that it’s going to be okay

12. Found self-happiness

13. Opened up to one friend about my health journey and what it meant to me

14. Got back into ballet

I literally can’t think of any other things, but if I do I might add them.

But you have so many things to be proud of in doing in knowing that it wasn’t easy to hustle with the queries or the book writing or that it wasn’t the funnest to get those wisdom’s out. It really wasn’t.

But you found the thing you lost a long time ago when you looked at the moon when you were crying silently, touching your stomach. You found self-happiness and love and I think it’s about time you found it or had it within arms reach.

Because you deserve that. You deserve to be happy.

You might not be in a relationship right now, but that’s okay. One day, you will meet someone who will love you for you and empower you to be a better person. You will meet someone who is right for you. Timing is everything, good things come to those who wait, and trust in the plan. All these are over used platitudes, but people have said these things for a reason and you will find that type of love one day. I know you will. And when you do, you’re going to look back on this blog post and all the times you used to wonder when you would find love and think, wow I actually did.

You will.

It might not feel like it, but you will.

Focus on you.

Becoming a better you each day.

Because last year, you weren’t even in the best place mentally without really realizing it and I think it’s kind of crazy how you can look back on yourself and see how a mentality wasn’t the healthiest but in the moment it just felt comfortable or secure to feel that way. But the way you feel now, is so much better and that’s what growth is about. And just think of this time as time to figure things out as who you are. There’s this saying I read:

“In the delay you’re being developed.”

With film, you have to wait for the picture to fully develop so you can see it. But it takes time and you wait for it. Right now, I’m not saying is “delayed,” but more of in the sense, you might not fully see the big picture or what the future holds for you, but trust that there is a plan or a picture underneath it all waiting to shine through one day. It might take time, it might take months, heck maybe even years, but trust that things are working for you—–they are developing. You are developing into a stronger person based on your experiences and what you know about yourself and others and you are developing into the life you were meant to have.

So trust in the “delay” that you are being developed and that the full picture will turn out okay. Because that’s the beauty and excitement of watching a picture being developed, right? In terms of Polaroids (because I’m not a professional photographer whatsoever, but I do have a Polaroid camera), you take the picture, the film comes out and its a blank white slate. You shake the Polaroid and blow on it hoping the picture will come faster and sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t, but you have to wait and see and when you slowly see the color start to form, it instantly excites you because, hey look the picture is finally coming out. Then piece by piece every part of the picture starts to develop until it becomes this faded image, then it brightens into the moment that was captured. When you see those colors start to develop—–when you see the moments in your life start to develop into what you want or what it was supposed to be, it will excite you. Then when the full pictures there, it’s beautiful to see how something was created like. When you see the full picture, you’ll realize how it needed to develop and go through all those small pieces to be where you are now. That’s the process.

Trust the process.

Trust the growth.

You’re 18 and it feels like you’re soooooo old, but you’re not, but at the same time you are. It depends on if you compare yourself to other peoples ages. Like, yea, you’re older than an 5 year old, but you’re younger than a 55 year old. But it’s your age and own it and live it well. That’s all that matters.

You’re 18, you don’t have to know what the heck you’re doing, but know that you can figure it out and once you do, go after it.

You’re 18, live your life, honey. Go to a party, go out with friends, do something crazy and wild because gosh knows you have NEVER done anything outside of your comfort zone in a hot minute and you need to enjoy every moment while you can. Try something new, travel, make experiences and new memories because that’s what matters. Don’t worry about school or the future job you have to work towards because you have your whole life to think about work and stress and family and whatever. Be now. Do now. Live now.

You’re 18 and you survived what is the “you’re technically an adult” stage. Be proud of that and keep on going because there is so much more to learn about life.

I challenge you as you turn 19, the last year before supposed teenager-hood is over, to really enjoy it. Enjoy life, memories, families, and find happiness. I hope you take risks or do things that put you out of your comfort zone to meet new people or to learn new things. I hope you make new friends or more friends because not to be egotistical again, but you are a good person with a good heart and you should surround yourself with people who genuinely care for you and who make you laugh or who add positivity to your life. I hope you can hopefully meet a guy who loves you as much as you love yourself. And if not that’s fine because someone will come along one day. I hope you prioritize things that make you happy rather than stress. Chase after your side hustle, keep writing, keep reading, keep being the best person you can be. But most importantly, I hope that you are able to experience things you haven’t before in knowing like it’s hard for you to be open or vulnerable to people or put yourself out there, but to at least try. Try say yes once. Try changing the routine. Try. Because (most of the times) there’s no harm in trying.

Here’s to being 18 going on 19 and hoping that it’s a year of reclamation in reclaiming and relishing in all that I am and knowing my worth.

You got this.

Happy Birthday to me and to all those November 9 babies out there.

This is your year.

And as always, with love,