Letter From A 20 Year Old

Dear me, Wow, this is sort of crazy that I’m sitting here writing this post when it feels like yesterday I was writing a letter to my nineteen year-old self. Some might say this year is a momentous birthday—a birthday most say is a big life milestone sort of year. I’m turning 21 in four days and it hasn’t fully hit me yet that not only have I been legal to vote for two years now, I will also be legal enough to drink. Gosh, knows I don’t really care to drink 😅. That’s wild. I think it’s just crazy how so much has happened and has not happened since my last birthday.

From the minute I turned twenty last year, I was so overwhelmed by this idea that I needed to do everything and be everything because I had entered this new century or era or my life. I was past being a a young adult-ish and sort of in the realm of young adult and new adult. I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge or how to even process knowing that I was twenty years old. That’s like ADULT age. It was a shock to me. I think especially being in a pandemic I felt pressure to have everything figured out right away and that I needed to kickstart something for myself because I felt like I haven’t been doing anything the last year or the last ten years to make something of myself. I remember thinking I needed to travel already because I haven’t traveled outside of my home state ever since I was eight years old. I don’t know about you, but when I don’t remember a trip, I feel like I haven’t been to that place because the memories not there. So, I always feel like I haven’t left my home state. Traveling is a big dream of mine, and last year it felt like I was never going to get the chance to travel and that made me sad because here I was, twenty years old, and never had traveled to remember or experience anything. I also remember feeling like I needed to accomplish my dreams so much quicker—-like I was running out of time. I told myself to push it with finishing my manuscript or editing my book. I remember telling myself to plan my queries, to research more agents, just literally do anything I can to make these goals/dreams I had come true right away. I felt overwhelmed about being newly twenty-years old and never having been in a relationship with a person before. I felt tired of being home all the time, doing the same thing day in and day out because of the pandemic and school. I distinctly remember the utter burnt-out feeling I encapsulated last year around this time. I felt like a candle with all the wax gone and the wick about to blow out. I was mentally and physically exhausted from turning in projects, writing lesson plans, and doing papers. I was not in a good place mentally, and maybe that’s why my thoughts as a new twenty year old was feverish. I also felt extremely lonely and like I wanted to make friends but I was so angry and hurt at everything going on in the world that I knew I couldn’t go out and socialize to make friends or find a relationship.

I was just processing a lot. I think last year, we all were processing a lot.

I have felt the most anxious, overwhelmed, burnt out, and depleted the last year than I have felt in all my twenty years. It’s such an odd feeling because you don’t feel like yourself. Last year, I was not myself. I was a version that was sad all the time from being alone and not talking to people even days at a time because I mostly has no one to talk to. I was a version who was angry that I couldn’t do all these things I wanted to as a twenty year old. I talked to some friends last year, who said they also felt the same way I did—-that they were robbed a year. It sounds dumb, but last year was filled with so much pain, fear, and worry, that we were all in survival mode. It didn’t feel like we were living. I survived last year, and never experienced what it meant to be twenty-years old, which goes, again, with my hurried thoughts that wanted to experience what it meant to be twenty years old.

Also, being in school for the last sixteen years of my life has honestly been exhausting. I have been doing school nonstop since I was four or five years old. I’ve never took a proper vacation and I never did anything super duper fun during the summer, although I count reading as fun, so there’s that. But I haven’t really experienced doing life without school. I haven’t really lived. Or I feel like I haven’t really lived. This was something I thought tremendously about last year as well because it felt like life was on pause and we didn’t know when we could resume play on the lives that we hoped or we worked for ourselves. I felt like I was on pause too, and being on pause and never having truly done anything besides school, homework, stay home, I felt trapped as a twenty-year old. Like my life would never begin and I would never feel anything but this same monotony. That within itself is an exhausting thought. I mean, I wanted to do things, experience things, and just live. I didn’t get to do that.

I spent being twenty-years old, pretty much how I’ve spent the last twenty-years of my life—-independent. More so than usual with everything still going on in the world. In the beginning of this year, I truly just felt burnt out and like I wasn’t happy. I was crying everyday because I was stressed and overwhelmed with school. I didn’t read or blog as much. I still wasn’t talking to a lot of people because we were still in the thick of the pandemic. I was also tense—-my body felt like a rubber band that was waiting to snap at any moment. I genuinely cannot tell you what I did from January to May because it was all a blur. I probably blocked out those months from my memory because they were so draining, and you know how they say the brain can block out traumatic memories. Yea. I don’t remember much about the beginning of the year, except I was the saddest I have been in a while. It’s crazy because I remember when I started this blog, it came from a sad place. I’m tearing up as I write that, because I genuinely mean that. I was really sad when I was eighteen. To be honest, the majority of my life I have been sad with various life experiences I have silently battled. Starting college and being away from home (like an hour or two from home in my state’s university), was one of the hardest experiences I went through. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had freshman depression. I didn’t have a lot of close friends my freshman year. I locked myself in my room and studied all the time for gosh knows who knows what because that information probably is irrelevant to me now. Also, gosh knows I didn’t need to study that hard in freshman year. But I did because I was so used to being alone, I just made myself alone. I worked out, I went home on the weekends, I snapped at people so much. I was so irritable and angry and quiet and confused. I was just so sad. Not many people knew how dark I felt during my first year of college. I felt like I lost a big piece of who I was that year because I had no one in my life except me. That year, I remember thinking about how I had to be my biggest supporter because before that I had such amazing people in my life in high school. I was also home, so I had more people to talk to. But then I had no one.

I would sometimes write in my dorm room at night or in between classes. I wrote what is now known as project teal, which is basically a story that helped me heal and move on from high school, and how I missed high school so much. Yea, I actually liked my high school. The people were amazing and the kindest. College? I really couldn’t say. But that December, I remember I read a blog or saw a blog thing on Looking For Aurba, who is this bookstagram account I followed. I fell in love with the aesthetic and the content of her blog. I also loved the idea of a blog because it could be my way to share my love of books with people and maybe—-finally—-find connection with others. Blogging is not that popular these days, so my blog isn’t popular, and that’s okay! Because at the end of the day, my blog makes me happy. It’s the way I connect with myself and others. It’s the way I rage and rant and melt over books. It’s like my diary of special thoughts and emotions. It’s a place where I can be real. It’s a place where I let myself be real. I am thankful for that.

I just went on a blog appreciation tangent, but I needed to say how, yes, this blog helped me through dark times and it continues to help me through dark times. But going back to what I was talking about before, I was in a sad place as a twenty year old because I couldn’t see the light after the utter abyss last year was.

Then in September, I started to go in-person to school, or for field experience for my college of education. I was utterly terrified to go into field because I haven’t been going out with people for more than a year and a half at that point, so being in a classroom with people I didn’t know, yet alone knew where they had been, TERRiFIED me. I also wasn’t sure how I was going to be because I haven’t been interacting with people as much. I’m typically a quiet person, so heck, I thought I would be even quieter than usual. In some ways I was, in other ways I wasn’t. It honestly felt nice to be with people again. Wow, that’s a sad sentence. But it’s so true. After the first two week of field and working with my mentor and students, I remember going home and just crying. I didn’t understand why I was crying until it hit me how much I missed human connection. I missed being with people so much. When the pandemic closed everything in March 2020, I would cry every day or every week—I’m a crier. But I remember crying all the time because I missed being with people and the connections I was forming with the people in my sophomore year of college. I thought I had finally found a groove or a healthy place with college, and then things went to pieces. So crying that day after field took my back to who I was in March 2020 who missed human connection so much as well. It was that moment I realized how much I had become so comfortable being by myself and not talking to anyone that I didn’t realize how much I missed people. I just was so content with the acceptance that the pandemic meant no friendship and no connection; it was easier to accept that then cry about the loss of human connection each day.

I read something on instagram about how grieve is more than mourning the loss of someone you love. Grief is also mourning experiences, memories, and other things. It’s when we mourn things that could have, should have, or would have been. Grief is tied to all the impossible what-ifs.

When I read that, I was like, “You’re right.” I grieved last year for all the things I wished I could have, would have, and wanted to do or experience as twenty year old, let alone a nineteen year old. I would have done so much more if I knew we would have “lost” a year to a pandemic. I would have spent more time with friends or making friends. I would have put traveling more as a priority. I would have put myself as a priority. I would have enjoyed being in school more with people who were actually good friends. But ti makes me think about how a lot of us thought about last year in how much we took for granted. I understood that sentiment a lot too because we really don’t know what happens or what goes on until it does and sometimes we take people or things for granted because we think that’s how something should just be. That’s not the case. We have to be grateful for every moment and each person in our life—-the good and the not-so-good—and try to learn and grow from those situations.

Last year was definitely a growth year, and this year was too.

I feel like I’ve grown, but sometimes I don’t see it. Maybe I feel it.

I teach more in the classroom. That’s so wild to me.

As someone most people deem shy, timid, quiet, and unsociable, I’m proud of myself—-genuinely proud of myself. We need to celebrate the pride we have in our accomplishments. I do lessons each day and have worked with students in small groups. I’ve built relationships with the students and they support or help me out if I’m confused. I loved that time I was just starting out in field and I tried a phonics lesson and the student who I was working with was like, “You have to do this first and then this and this.” I just laughed because the student knew the routine so much and wanted to help me. I was appreciative of that. I also loved when I brought snacks for the students, they all thanked me, and when one student thanked the wrong person, another student was quick to correct and defend me. I love them so much. I also have been talking more to my peers because we have been online throughout our education program. So to see a few of them at the school I am at, is such. beautiful thing. I love saying hi to them everyday or talking to them more because it’s wild. I’ve been with the same fifteen amazing, funny, and compassionate women/girls for the past year and a half and we have only seen each other in person a handful of times. Literally. But we have such a great bond even if we don’t know that much about each other. I appreciate each and everyone of them.

I like to think my projection got better with my added exposure with teaching more. I know I am not as loud as other people, but hey, I’m trying my best and working on it, and that’s all I can do. It still hasn’t hit me that I’m going to graduate in May next year. When I was in Kindergarten, I remember I said I wanted to be at teacher and a writer on the side. And to know that I have been working on that goal of teaching, and that I have been writing secret (not so secret) projects on the side is everything to me and more. I think about the quote:

“Life is so subtle sometimes that you barely notice yourself walking through the doors you once prayed would open.”

And it’s so true. I always wanted to be a teacher and a writer, and here I am actually doing the darn things that my past self dreamed of doing.

I’m proud of that.

Maybe I’m not going to be the best teacher or writer, but I can be the best I can be and try my best to achieve my dreams. I know that I don’t want to put immense pressure on myself to do this or be this at a certain time, but go with the flow and figure it out as I go. I believe timing is everything.

I queried project teal after my freshman year of college and got a whole bunch of reacts. Honestly, I could understand that 😅. But I also felt like it wasn’t the right time even when I did send those query’s. I knew I had school to focus on and that if I got represented and went through the whole publishing process, school would take an immense back burner. So maybe things work out as they are supposed to and honestly, I feel like the next story I wrote is a story that I feel better about. I don’t know when to query it, but I do know that I want to and I hope it does get represented. Who knows, maybe that could be my next dream or thing I do? That’s so beautiful.

I think it’s beautiful that there are so many places, people, and experiences yet to be had. I know I started this post with a very somber and hopeless tone, but the me who is writing this today, November 5, has some hope in her. I hope things get better, I hope I make my friends, I hope I keep striving towards my goals and doing what makes me happy, I hope to travel to different places and understand various cultures. I hope.

To my future twenty-one year old self who is reading this, I want you to know that you don’t need to drink or do anything that people make you feel weird or uncomfortable about. I feel like if people mark you feel bad for not drinking or doing things that everyone else does, they are not the people who you should be surrounding yourself with. The right people will not pressure you to do things you do not want to do, nor will they make you feel ashamed for it.

I also want to say that you should be proud of who you’re becoming. I think it’s so underestimated that we give ourselves the love and acknowledgment to say we are proud of ourselves. Especially for me, I am tough on myself. I will be the first one to say I suck at something, or I did something wrong or someone hates/thinks the worst in me when no one is thinking that besides myself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Celebrate the small moments and the wins. Not every move will be a great leap, but maybe a step. That’s okay. Keep going and keep following where your heart takes you. You have endured so much growing up, more than anyone knows, give yourself more grace and credit for the way you handled everything and had to process it. Everyone goes and grows through something different and you had to survive and grow a lot more than the other people in your life. Don’t compare yourself to where your friends are in their life and where you are. You are where you need to be.

Don’t rush or feel like you need to have it all figured out. No one has it all figured out. Heck, I know you’ve questioned whether or not you still want to be at teacher so many times because you didn’t know what you wanted to do after college. I still don’t know what we want to do after you graduate next May. It’s scary to not know, but it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to not know. Leigh Bardugo once said, “Being brave does not mean being unafraid.” Be scared and do it anyway. That’s brave as you can be. Also, don’t feel like you’re behind or on this timeline because, again, your experiences and life differs from others. Sure, you haven’t done this or that, but you hopefully will and can. There is hope. Don’t feel the need to do everything right this second just to check it off some list you have in your head of what you want to accomplish, but live in each moment and experience. Trust me.

It’s okay to take a break. Don’t feel guilty for resting or for not doing school work or work when you want to do something else. Take more time for yourself. Genuinely set aside a time each day to write or read or draw or paint or create—-anything besides work. It will make you feel so much more connected to your creativity and to who you are. You have been burnt out, it’s time to rekindle the flame for what you truly love.

If there’s one more thing I want to tell my twenty year old self it’s that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to read, write, thrive. You deserve to eat, run, and buy. You deserve to do what makes your heart joyous and light and kind. You deserve to feel like yourself again. Find that inner joy and hold onto it because gosh knows it’s fleeting sometimes. I know we’ve been independent for so long, but enjoy being independent and learning more about yourself. You will discover new books, songs, movies, shows, food, and people you like. You will discover so much more in life that will add to the happiness that you have been trying to heal with each day. I know that.

You also did so much as a twenty year old, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I said this last year, but last year and this year felt like the same kind of vibe.

1. You teach more in the classroom! 🎉

2. You were less self-critical

3. You read good books—I’m looking at you Crooked Kingdom and ACOSF

4. You wrote a third manuscript for Project Lilac, which I need to edit a lot 😅

5. You finished final edits on Project Blue and are prepping queries

6. You built a new bookshelf for your ever growing collection of books

7. You SURVIVED the ABSOLUTE PAIN that was spring 2021 semester 😖

8. You ate out for the first time in June 🍕

9. You met your whole cohort for the first time in October.

10. You drove more! 🚗💨

11. You got a new car on the way 🚙

Gosh, it was an effort to type out what I did as a twenty year old because I really don’t remember 🤪. If I think of more, I can add it. But I should feel proud of what I did and could do given the past few years we had. I hope next year things truly do start to feel back to normal.

Last but not least, let’s write some manifestations or things I think might happen as a twenty-one year old because why not try to put good energy out in the universe.

I hope I graduate 😆. First and foremost, of course. I also hope that I get hired somewhere at a school that feels right and has a great community. Working at the school I do now, I absolutely love the sense of community and kindness of the people, so I would love that same energy at the school that I actually work in. I’m not sure if I want to work right away or if I should take a year break to travel, write, or do things I want to do. I don’t know because I have been doing school for the last sixteen to seventeen years now, and I feel like I just need a break. I absolutely don’t want to do grad school after I graduate because I feel so burnt out and going through another two years of school sounds like pure torture. I also feel like if I did start teaching right away that I won’t stop teaching because I will get into the groove of it. So I don’t know if I should take a break or work after I graduate. I feel like I will follow my heart in what feels right for me at the time and what job offers I have. I hope whatever happens it works out.

I also hope I can travel internationally soon. I don’t know if we can, but maybe. I don’t know, I haven’t traveled before so I’m terrified, especially in a pandemic still, but I hope we can travel soon. I want to go to Europe—-Italy, Paris, Greece, London, and so much more. I should save up money first 🤪. Huh, maybe I should work first. I don’t know with that teacher salary though 😂. I’m joking! Not really, teacher’s deserve higher pay and there’s nothing more to be said about that. I mean, I can, but that’s a whole other tangent.

I hope I have a corgi, I still don’t. I love dogs. Hopefully, I also have more friendships or better relationships in my life with people who are genuinely nice, caring, and supportive. I would like to get back into art again because I miss painting, crafting, and drawing. School literacy sucks because it feels like we don’t get to do anything visually artistic. I miss having classes where I could be creative. I want to do art again 😢. I also want to read more fantasy books. Fantasy books is my pride and true genre—-I fell in love with reading because of Fantasy books. I don’t like reading fantasy books during the school year because I feel like my focus is so split between school and other things that when I read I just want to read something light and easy so I don’t have to remember all these details, world-building things, and plot. Fantasy books have a lot of devotion and investment to me, so I like to read them during breaks, so basically summer and winter break because those are the only breaks I get. But I want to read more fantasy because I have heard nothing but good things about new series that I have been CRAVING to read. I’m going to write a blog post about fantasy book cravings so I can hold myself accountable to read those books at one point 👏🏼!

I also hope that I can make more time to see friends if safe. I miss being with them so much and seeing how they are. I want to continue having a healthy relationship with exercise and food. I need to save more money and stop buying clothes I don’t need 🙃. I also want to spend less time on my phone because I have been more overwhelmed lately with doing anything to avoid doing school work or any type of work. So more often than not, I reach for my phone which hasn’t been a healthy habit. I also feel like with not a lot of social connection the past few years, social media has felt like my only form of socializing with others. Sad, but true.

I also just hope for good vibes and that things work out well. I hope things will be okay and that I find happiness within myself and the people around me and the experiences I have.

I don’t know what being twenty-one is supposed to feel like or how it’s going to be.

I don’t want to create all these expectations for it either. I just want it to be what it will be for me and that I learn and grow from it. I think it’s also really sad to think about how I am growing up and am an adult. It’s hard when I don’t feel like an adult, you know? I feel like I’m still a kid who doesn’t know how to do anything and doesn’t know the first thing about the real world. It’s scary. But being brave does not mean being unafraid.

Here’s to hoping that this next year will be better and that you find strength in the fears,

hope in the tears,

light in the stars,

a voice in the silence,

words in the thoughts,

connections in the loneliness,

and joy in the unknown.

Happy birthday to me 💕.

Love,