Felix Ever After By Kacen Callender Book Review

“It could have been easy to say I was hurt because I’m tons, but someone singled me out for my identity, but there’s something weird about that—-something off, about suggesting that my identity is the thing that brought me any sort of pain. It’s the opposite. Being trans brings me love. It brings me happiness. It gives me power.”

(pg 350-51)

About

Author: Kacen Callender (pronouns they/them and he/him)

Genre: Young Adult Contemporary Romance

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Synopsis

Felix Love has never been in love—and, yes, he’s painfully aware of the irony. He desperately wants to know what it’s like and why it seems so easy for everyone but him to find someone. What’s worse is that, even though he is proud of his identity, Felix also secretly fears that he’s one marginalization too many—Black, queer, and transgender—to ever get his own happily-ever-after. 

When an anonymous student begins sending him transphobic messages—after publicly posting Felix’s deadname alongside images of him before he transitioned—Felix comes up with a plan for revenge. What he didn’t count on: his catfish scenario landing him in a quasi–love triangle….

But as he navigates his complicated feelings, Felix begins a journey of questioning and self-discovery that helps redefine his most important relationship: how he feels about himself. 

Felix Ever After is an honest and layered story about identity, falling in love, and recognizing the love you deserve.

Review

Spoilers Contained Below

To all those who have never felt seen,

Back in the beginning of June, this one book circulated bookstagram like no other. And that book was Felix Ever After. It had such a vibrant and beautiful cover and nothing but the best reviews.

After reading the book, I can personally attest to how stunning this book is and what a masterpiece it is. I just genuinely love the representation it has—how it gives voice to those who have never had it, a story of those whose stores have never been told, and a reel of something so authentic and honest. I love the vulnerability, the conversations, and the strength that this book displayed. It was truly worth every second I spent devouring and I can not recommend it enough.

Honestly, I would LOVE to be friends with Felix. What a great person! 🧡 Like, truly. I am going to be using the pronouns he/him for Felix because he identifies as a demiboy, but if that’s wrong, please correct me because I would rather come back and edit this post and make sure everything is correct rather than just have it up and it be all wrong, but he’s funny , passionate, caring, whole-hearted, and loyal. One of the biggest things I admired about this book was the way that everyone in Felix’s friend group—no matter if they were good people or “bad” people—they had such open conversations about race, sexuality, and identity. That’s so refreshing because we need to be having these conversations rather than these arguments where we shut down someone for what they say or think. I know this is only a book, but I loved how whenever Felix and Ezra would talk, they would understand where the other was coming from and they would be respectful to each other if someone said something offensive. I thought that was highly mature.

One of the conversations they had was when Ezra invited Felix to one of his parents’ galas and they were getting ready and they were talking about privilege. Ezra grew up with a rich family—-born into riches—-while Felix grew up with a dad who tried his best to support Felix every step of the way and a mom who left and started a new family. I’ll get into that later. So naturally, Felix was kind of jealous and resentful that here Ezra was with a boatload of wealth and he was angry at Ezra for having all these options—-opportunities—and taking them for granted. I like when Felix said, “That seems like a pretty great problem to have,” because it’s something I’ve been hearing a lot lately from people. Oh? You can’t choose between the blue or white water? Seems like a pretty great problem to have. Or you can’t decide if you want spaghetti or chicken for dinner? Seems like a pretty great problem to have. And yes, they are menial issues to have in comparison with bigger issues people experience, but it also invalidates what a person feels. Because I’m a big believer of the phrase, “Your feelings are valid,” because they are. All our experiences are different and one person’s hardships might not be someone else’s based on that person’s experience. But what I liked a lot about this scene was when Ezra called Felix out for projecting his anger onto him. Ezra is the kind of friend who will tell it to you straight and we all need those friends. And I liked how Felix didn’t get mad, but he was like, “No, you’re right,” and they were able to talk openly about how they both felt like they had these two very valid feelings. Because when you don’t come from a lot of money and it seems like all your friends do, personally, it sucks. It sucks to see them traveling or to spend all this money carefully when you have to be selective and careful or work ten times harder to get into a good college or to pay for a trip. It sucks because it’s not fair. So I understood where Felix was coming from.

I also liked how in the moment Ezra said:

“‘We all f*** up sometimes, I guess.’

‘As long as we learn and grow, right?'”

(pg. 120)

When people have conversations about controversial or difficult topics, someone is bound to say something wrong. They are going to make a mistake. Should you shame and shun them for it? I say it depends on how screwed up what they said was. But for the most part, no. No no no no no. Because we’re people, we say stupid things and we mess up. We can only learn from our mistakes and grow from them. But if we keep saying or doing the same thing—-not learning—-then that’s where it’s wrong because we are making an active choice not to be better, not to learn.

I also liked the conversation at the party in the beginning, you know when they’re all lying on the floor drunk and high off their butts 😂. They talk about labels and why we feel the need to have them. And I think labels put us in a box of what we can and can’t be, but I also heard once that we label things because as people we like to organize and categorize things because it makes it easier for us to process. In one of my college classes we talked about how when we do surveys, there’s always the boxes of what ethnicity you are. And there are only a few options like Caucasian, African American, Mexican/Latino, and Asian/Pacific Islander. I am Asian and I live on a pacific island, but not all asians are the same and just because a person lives on a pacific island, doesn’t mean they’re asian. That goes for all the other categories too. Not all caucasians are the same, African Americans, or Mexican/Latinos. They are not. And it’s kind of diminishing to put a whole group of people in one category like that because it makes every person in between not feel seen. Like some people are mixed race. But we as a society categorize things like this because it’s easier to put a label on it—-to define what a person is.

“They connect us. They help create community . . . I can see what you’re saying. If the world was perfect maybe we wouldn’t need labels. But the world isn’t perfect and labels can really be a source of pride.”

(pg. 82)

Again, so much maturity in the conversations they had and I liked when Leah was like, “I respect that later on,” when Ezra said he just didn’t use labels because that’s what he believed in. Because that’s what we should be doing as people. We should be allowing others to speak their opinion and not respect it or kindly disagree. We can disagree, but don’t have to bash on others for what they believe or do. But I liked how Leah saw labels as a way of connecting with others because like a lot of things, there are things that are good and bad about it. Labels do create a sense of community with people because it makes you feel bonded together over a shared quality. It creates that sense of pride and empowerment that a person isn’t alone in who they are. Labels are complex though, and it’s something I wonder a lot about too, like why do we need to label gender? Race? Class? Why?

Speaking of labels, a big part of the story was Felix questioning his identity. He knew he was trans and he came out to his dad and his mom about who he was. I loved how the dad supported him in Felix’s transition to becoming who he was because not all parents would do that. And it breaks my heart, truly does, that people would disown or throw out their child because of something like that. I don’t know, the crazy part of me always sees both sides of a situation. Because I can understand why parents wouldn’t be so forthcoming with their child coming out about his/her/their sexuality, gender, orientation, or other qualities. Parents, generally, come from an older generation where these types of things weren’t the “norm,” so it makes them uncomfortable about it now. And sometimes it might go against the parents’ religious or personal beliefs. But on the other hand, I just find it sad because if a parent really loved their child, then they would accept their child in who the child wanted to be. They would just want their child to be happy and to be who they are.

But it’s hard . . . I get it.

But still, if I was a parent, I would just want my child to be comfortable and happy with who they want to be and I would support that. And Felix’s dad was good as he could be with supporting Felix. But here’s the thing, my split brain is at it again 😅. To me, Felix’s dad was trying his best and I know Felix said that his dad shouldn’t even be trying because he should just accept him as he is, which yes, of course the dad should, but from the dad’s perspective this was all new to him. He had to process this, his other generational brain had to understand this, and to him that might have been a lot. So I didn’t feel like his trying came from a place of disrespect for who Felix was, I think the dad was just trying to unlearn everything he knew and to be better in all the ways he could. Sure he was slow coming, but he was trying. And sometimes it’s better to try than to shut down and say no because of that fear or anger. Even if trying seems wrong when it should be acceptance, I thought the dad was just doing his best. And at the end when Felix and him had a heart-to-heart about why the dad would call Felix his deadname, it further emphasized how the dad was processing everything. He would slip up sometimes because he would forget, but ultimately, he was holding onto who Felix was because the dad knew Felix as someone else for most of his life and then the dad had to switch that mentality and let go. That had to be hard for the dad’s generational mindset.

I loved when the dad said Felix’s name at the end because it highlighted to Felix how he loved him for him and that he won’t always do right or get it right, but heck, he was trying. I also liked how the dad expressed how he just wanted Felix to be happy.

“You’ve been so courageous, just by being yourself, even knowing that the world won’t always accept you for who you are. You refuse to be anything but yourself, no matter what. I look up to that. I admire that.”

(pg. 331)

I for one am CRYING 😢.

There was one point in the book, I forget where, where someone said to Felix that he was brave and Felix said something along the lines that he wasn’t brave he was just being who he was. And I liked that. Because Felix was just living his truth and being himself.

In the world we live in, a lot of us are afraid to be ourselves because of what other people might think. I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way, but I mean this in the way that even someone like me, a cisgendered woman, had points in my life where I was scared to be who I was because I was scared what people would think of me. I was scared to wear colors that were too bright because other people might look at me funny. I was scared to tell people I like to read because people would think I was a nerd or something. Heck, the first time I had to wear glasses in class, I was SOOOO terrified to take out my glasses because everyone already knew me as the “smart” girl and here I was now with glasses? I could feel the teasing coming on. And I was scared. But I admire people who live proud and live true. Because I try to do that everyday, but it’s hard sometimes. And it shouldn’t be a brave thing to just be who we are. It should just be. But somehow we live in a world where we need to have courage to be ourselves. I don’t know, that’s kind of sad.

I really thought it was interesting to be in the mindset of what Felix was feeling as a young black queer transgender boy. Because he had a lot of intersectionalites (an intersection of social identities) that marginalized him to society. He felt very insecure in who he was in different ways, but let’s talk about the first one. I enjoyed the identity group circles Felix went to because it was such sweet moments. There’s nothing wrong about going to a group circle—-it creates a sense of community and assurance. When Felix first went to the circle, I could feel his discomfort not only because it’s always uncomfortable to be the new one in a group, but he also felt like he wasn’t valid because he was too young to be there. He thought they were judging him or that he was going to say something dumb and they were going to laugh at him. And I wanted nothing more than to reach through the pages and hug Felix. He deserved to be there. He wasn’t too young. And no question is too dumb! Heck, he had valid questions as a curious teen who didn’t have all the answers to the questions he had. He needed people who supported him and understood. His dad was trying, Ezra or Leah couldn’t really understand, no one could, so this was good for him. The doctor nurse he went to didn’t even have all the answers. And gosh knows, Google might have a gazillion answers, but sometimes it doesn’t just have a clear cut one to believe in.

So I loved when he went back to the circle a second time and he finally voiced his question about how he was still questioning his identity. He knew he was trans, but he didn’t feel like calling himself a boy was right nor was calling himself a girl. When reading how Felix felt, it was interesting and it made me think. I kept thinking about all these social constructions we create like gender. How it’s so weird we define what a girl and a boy is? Like who and why? Why is pink assigned to girls and blue to boys? Like what is gender? I know these are not the same things, but I find it similar how people have to have their own coming out with gender like how people come out about their sexuality. A person has to sit down with the parents or tell the family and it might not always be the best received experience in either situation. And when I thought about it that way it made me think how it’s not fair that we put these gender constrictions on a baby because we don’t know who they want to be. But get that when a baby is a baby, we don’t know who they baby is going to be, so we gender the baby based on a baby’s sex, but when the baby gets older and can choose to be who they want to be, I think that’s when we shouldn’t do all the stereotypical gender things. I think we should also be more gender neutral with things early on to be more inclusive about that. But gender’s such a weird, complex thing that makes me confused.

With this book, it really opened up my eyes to things I have never heard of or learned. I had no idea what a deadname was until this book. Given the context clues, I figured out what it was, and I’m just happy to learn. I took a Women’s Studies class and a Gender, Culture, and Appearance class in college and they talked a lot about sexuality and some of the terms the books used, but I never heard of a demiboy and you best bet the Percy Jackson and Heroes of Olympus in me, was like it sounds like demigods 😂.

And then later when Felix was talking to Ezra about who he felt he was (which was such a cute scene by the way because it was so cute to see how excited Felix was to tell him and how eager Ezra was to listen), Ezra was like:

“Demiboy,” Ezra repeats, like he’s trying the word out on his tongue. “I like it. It reminds me of a demigod or something.”

(pg. 341)

I WAS LAUGHING 😂. Ezra and I? We’re on the same wavelength 🤪.

But I just loved how right it felt to Felix to identify as a demiboy. Because it was such a defining moment for him because he was confused. And this whole time he felt wrong for saying that he was a boy when he didn’t feel like it. I think he absolutely had nothing wrong to feel bad about because he was figuring things out and if in the moment he wanted to identify and say his pronouns were he/him even if he questioned that, then that’s perfectly fine. And he shouldn’t have felt guilty for questioning his identity after all this time—-his transition journey. People question who they are all the time and it’s okay if a person’s ideas of who they want to be change. People change. He can change his ideas.

I also liked how even if I took college courses recently and they taught me all these terms and information, how everything in the LGBTQIA+ world is evolving and growing each day. I LOVE that 💕😊. To me it means that people are becoming more aware of the growing LGBTQIA+ community and that hopefully more people are finding and living their truth. The truth brings about questions and that means seeking answers and that means growth. I hope to see the day when it’s normal to see a gay couple walking down the street and not get called names for it. Or to see trans lives in positions of leadership in politics or in the workplace. I just hope to see the day where we can all respect everyone. Because a social identity shouldn’t be the difference in whether or not a person is treated respectfully or not. It shouldn’t.

But we live in a complicated world.

A world with people like Marigold and James.

First, I would just like to say I have no IDEA why Felix ever wanted to hang out with Marisol in the first place. She wasn’t a good friend to him and he should have dropped her! He didn’t need that negative energy in his life. But you know, people like Marisol have this essence where you just want to be around them to be popular or confident or cool. I had people in my life I surrounded myself with because I thought the very same thing. But she wasn’t kind to Felix and he deserved better.

I mean, calling him a misogynist because Felix transitioned into a male? EXCUSEEEEEE ME???!! How THE BADONKERS DOES ONE EVEN THINK LIKE THAT? DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK AND SAY THINGS LIKE THAT?????!! 😖

In noooooo way shape of form was Felix a misogynist because he didn’t feel like a girl!! It said more about her than it did about Felix 😕. And I ABSOLUTELY LOVED it when Ezra POPPED OFF! 🤪

But he brought up a good point that Marisol of if Felix transitioned from female to male, then did that men “trans women don’t like men.” And when he said that, I was like OOOOOOOOOHHHHH! Marisol, let me dig you a hole you can’t come out of because my gosh wasn’t he right!? It kind of makes me think about the double standard women face all the time and the extra hardship they endure because they are a woman. Men can get away with things because society has put men on a pedestal to do so. So it wasn’t fair of Marisol at all to say what she did, but it wasn’t fair to put this standard on Felix that he wasn’t feminist because he transitioned from female to male.

“I can still be feminist and trans . . . I love women. I respect women. I was proud to be a girl, before I transitioned—but I realized that just isn’t who I am. Being a guy now doesn’t mean I still don’t love and respect women.”

(pg 206)

Felix preach it!!!! 👏🏼

I was soooo happy he dropped her.

And I’m also people like James who said ignorant comments because he was a privileged entitled white guy. And I have nothing against people who are white, I’m just saying that there are people out there in the world who need to recognize that being white has its advantages—its privileges in the world—and that what they say and don’t say speaks volumes about their character. And it’s people like James who are unaware of his privilege and what his words mean. I just didn’t like the way he called Felix weird and he didn’t even have an explicit reason for thinking that. He just said Felix was weird, shrug and all. LIKE WHAT LOAD OF GARBAGE IS THAT? ☹️ “You’re weird,” I mock in a male voice. YOU’RE WEIRD YOU WERIDO! That was just rude and even if James didn’t mean Felix was weird for any reason, he said it because of something. He said it because Felix was a queer, black, and transgender. Deep down that’s what James meant.

When James got all defensive about it, it said aaaaaaa llllloooooooottttt! Because it’s a reaction I think a lot of people have when confronted with saying something they know is wrong, but deep down they don’t want to admit it, so they react, get angry, and put up their defenses to guard themselves. When James got all red in the face, I was shaking my head. Because why else would he get worked up for nothing?

I also didn’t like how James turned the conversation around on him when Leah was sticking up for Felix. Honestly, we gotta love that Leah! 🧡 But James was like, well you don’t like me because I’m a white, straight, and weather the last word was. Cisgender, my friend. Cisgender. And this conversation isn’t about you, it’s about your rude comments and your lack of understanding and wanting to have an open conversation about why what you said was disrespectful. Then he brought up the whole thing about he can’t make a joke anymore and it’s like, I’m SOOOO TIRED of people who tell other people that they are “too sensitive” to take a joke about someone’s social identities or qualities. Like making the butt of a joke about a person isn’t funny. It’s not funny when a person makes a joke about someone else’s weight. It’s not funny when a person makes a joke about someone’s race. It’s not funny when a person makes a joke about someone’s sexuality. It’s not funny.

Don’t even get me STARTED on AUSTIN 😖.

I thought ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of him. Gosh, I was an idiot.

But let’s backtrack to the beginning where Felix walked into school and there was a gallery of photos of him before he transitioned and his deadname was on a placard under each picture. First of all, I would just like to say it astounds me the lengths a person will go, to actually take the FREAKING TIME to Instastalk a person, print out his photos, sneakily hang them on a wall, AND go to such lengths to online troll a person because they are petty as HECK. *****SHAKES HEAD***** I’m sorry, get a life! 🤪 I just don’t understand people who feel the need to be so hateful to another person and to put all that time and energy, for what? What do you possibly get out of that? And I liked how Felix asked his online troll that exact question every single time. What do you get out of this?

Satisfaction? That’s some sick satisfaction you petty person.

It was highly disrespectful that Austin would do that out of a place of jealousy. Really, truly, petty. Because it was not his place to put Felix on blast like that and to put his deadname out there for the whole world to see when Felix didn’t want that. That was NEVER Austin’s place to do so. But it kind of made me wonder, why Felix had those pictures on his account if he didn’t want people to see it? I’m not sure, but you know, I can’t judge, I have pictures on my Instagram that have been there for yyyyeaaaarsssss.

When Felix pointed all fingers at Declan, I was like, it’s obviously not him 😅. DUH! Because that would be too easy! Sure, Declan wasn’t Felix’s biggest fan, but I didn’t think for a second he would stoop so low to hurt Felix in that way. I will admit, I thought it was Ezra for a while 😑. I mean, think about it. Ezra told him that it wasn’t Declan, so that made me think how maybe Ezra was feeling guilty because he did it? It also made me think how there was one day Ezra was sick and then Felix got all these texts from Grandequeen69 asking him how it was like to be lonely. Ezra wasn’t at school that day and he was Felix’s only friend, so maybe he was trolling him. It would be the ultimate betrayal, but I didn’t want to believe it was Ezra. But you never know authors, am I right? They like the element of surprise so you can’t rule anyone out.

I was looking at the wrong person. Should have been looking at the person next to Ezra: Austin. He seemed so nice. He was trying to be friends with Felix because he knew how much Ezra and Felix were close so he wanted to make a good impression. But it also made Austin jealous because he loved Ezra a lot, but he knew that Ezra loved Felix and would never love him. So he thought he could bash Felix in public with the gallery to somehow show Ezra who Felix truly was and that Ezra wouldn’t like him anymore. PETTTTTTYYYYYY!

Say it with me now: P-E-T-T-Y, what does that spell? PETTY! 😂

For real.

The first thing I wrote in my notes was, “AUSTIN’S TRASH, Ariana Grande would be ashamed!” 😂

Because when Leah asked Austin if he was going to the Ariana Grande concert, my heart just dropped. This whole time I was hoping to see a clue about something grande like a coffee or Ariana and you know 69 for the childish mind 😂. It was Austin and when Leah said that, I could feel Austin’s heart sink too because he knew he was done for.

And say it with me too: Hurt people Hurt people! 👏🏼

I am a huge believer of that.

Because Austin hurt Felix out of a place of hurt. And you know it doesn’t excuse his actions at all, but it made me understand Austin. He wasn’t out to his parents and it made him angry at Felix that he could just be who he was. Austin knew his parents wouldn’t accept him as gay because they are very religious, so it felt hard for him to live his truth. I could understand that resentment built up in him because that’s beyond heartbreaking, that he felt like he couldn’t even live his truth and be him because he knew what his parents would think. And that had to be hard—-to not feel supported or loved and to have all these questions and fears. Because Austin was also scared, rightfully so. But what he did wasn’t fair.

He also didn’t think it was fair that Felix could get the guy when Felix was transgender, which is absolutely wrong. Felix was true as he could be as himself, guy, trans, demiboy, whoever Felix wanted to be. He was true, he was real. And no one should never, never, never, never make other people feel invalidated for who they are because they choose to be someone else. NEVER. Because who are we to say who someone is?

“I’m not flaunting anything. I’m just existing. This is me. I can’t hide myself. I can’t disappear. Even if I could, I don’t f******** want to. I have the same right to be here. I have the same right to exist.”

(pg. 321)

YEAH YOU DO!!!! 🧡

Becomes Felix was every bit of real. Even more real because he was iving his truth. And he deserved to be there, to exist as he was. I loved this moment.

During this part, Felix also felt bad for Austin because he also knew where he was coming from. He knew Austin would never understand what it’s like to be who he was and to feel loved and supported. He knew that maybe Austin had all these questions and fears that he couldn’t get the answers too because he felt like he couldn’t live his truth. It’s hard. Not all parents are as supportive as Felix dad was.

I just want to pause and take a quote from Felix himself, when he said:

“Leah’s pretty effing cool.”

(pg. 315)

You got that darn right!!!!

I LOVED LEAH!!!! She is the definition of an ally! 😄 I loved her since the beginning because she had such an innocent, good-girl vibe to her and she seemed so nice and eager to help Felix find out who was trolling him. She seemed like a great person and no matter what people said, she stood up for Felix. The first time she swore, I was like, “OOOOH, she got some spunk.” But when you get a good girl angry, OH SHE GETS ANGRY! I WOULD KNOW. 😅

Leah POPPED OFF on Austin and it was the most beautiful moment. It was like hearing a chihuahua rage at a pit bull. It was iconic. She called out Austin’s privileged butt! 😂 LOVE HER!

Serves him right for all his homophobic remarks and his attacks on Felix. I swear one of the most painful part to read was when Felix got a text that said that he wasn’t real and then Felix threw his phone across the room. My heart shattered like Felix’s phone screen 😢. I just wanted to hug him. Because HOW DARE Austin make him feel invalid or like he wasn’t real. I’m sorry, how is he any less real than any other person? Just because a person transitions doesn’t invalidate who they are. It makes them more of who they are. I teared up. Again, I just don’t know why anyone would ever feel the need or take the time to be so hateful to others. It just breaks my heart.

You know what else broke my heart?

Whenever Felix would talk down to himself. He was very insecure in his art even if all those around him saw such potential and beauty with his work. It connects to the idea that we are our harshest critics. And we are. Whenever Felix would say things like I need to be good enough for Brown, I kept shaking my head. Honey, Brown needs to be good enough for YOU. Flip that mentality. Because honestly, colleges put SOOOOO MUCH pressure on the youth these days to be high succeeding or to be different or to be unique and I will fully say as someone who is in college, sure, some schools provide a better quality education, but truthfully, all schools provide good quality education and you can take away anything from any school you go to. It’s what you make of it and it’s what you gain. And sometimes, I hear that it’s harder to get into some ivy leagues, but when you get in and go to the classes, they’re not that hard compared to other schools. So my main message is, college is college. No one cares if you flex on what school you went to because it doesn’t matter that much depending on your profession, but getting into a top rated school just looks good. Doesn’t mean it does you any good. So I think we need to stop putting such schools on pedestals because one school is truly not all that. Brown wasn’t all that for Felix to get worked up about. Not saying ivy leagues or Brown are bad schools, no, I respect those schools and anyone who attends there because gosh knows it’s hard to get it, but I’m saying there needs to stop being pressure that our worth, our success is defined by whether or not we get into a good college or get a high paying job. The school doesn’t make the person, it’s the person. Felix was a good person and if Brown couldn’t see that, then that’s Brown’s loss.

But the biggest thing I hurt the most about was when Felix would talk about love.

Soooooo, let’s expose myself 🤪. I’m EXACTLY like Felix in the love department. I have never been romantically in love. Never been in a relationship. Never kissed a boy. Never hugged a boy. Never held hands with a boy. And it’s okay. But it made me understand Felix on a whole personal level because when you haven’t been romantically in love, you go through all the thoughts and eventually come to this one: what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me that no one loves me?

And for Felix it took on a whole other meaning because he had all these social identities that he felt might be the reason no one loved him. And it made him feel insecure and like he couldn’t be loved.

“It’s like every identity I have . . . the more different i am from everyone else. . . the less interested people are. The less . . . lovable I feel, I guess. . . It becomes a little hard, I guess, to convince myself I deserve the kind of love you see on movies screens.”

(pg. 219)

And I get it. It broke my heart he felt that way, but I get it.

Ezra asked him this once:

“Do you think you are worthy of respect and love?”

(pg. 122)

And when he said that, I had to step back 😯.

Because it took me back to those questions I asked myself. What’s wrong with me that someone doesn’t love me? The answer: nothing. Nothing is wrong with me that I have never been in love.

I am worthy of respect and love.

Felix was worthy of respect and love.

We all are worthy of respect and love. We are deserving of respect and love.

And it’s something we all have to remind ourselves because sometimes we do fall into the spiral of what we think is wrong with us that makes us unloveable, but we should all know our worth. We are all worthy.

“I mean, I WANT to be in love. That’s something I’ve always wanted to feel.”

(pg. 216)

Most of us do want to be in love. Like Felix, I’m a hopeless romantic and I want to be in love. I want to know the type of love that feels like more than a friendship. The type of love where someone looks at me in a certain way because they love me. The type of love that I can come home to and talk about my day. The type of love I can share with someone else who just allows me to be me.

Felix was so loved and he didn’t even know it.

So he ran to Declan who also wanted to be in love. And you know what they say: broken people connect with broken people. Not that Felix or Declan were broken, but their vibes were the same in the way they both wanted love and to fill this void where they felt sad and were figuring things out. They wanted love. When Declan wasn’t being a prick, he seemed like a really good person. He was just hurt by the world too and he projected his anger at Ezra and Felix.

The whole time when Felix kept talking about how Declan hated him, I WAS LIKE, FELIX, he texted you that he thinks you hate him. He doesn’t hate you. He just acts like you hate him because you hate him. In no way did he say he hated Felix 😅. It was a big miscommunication thing.

I liked how we saw a vulnerable and real side to Declan. My heart absolutely hurt for him when he opened up about how his dad disowned him when he came out as gay and that Declan now lived with his grandpa. It explained why Declan needed the Brown scholarship just as much as Felix because Felix didn’t know before he texted Declan as luckyliquid95 (which, by the way is the most NONDESCRIPT username. I mean, Felix, if you’re going for not shady, that’s a pretty shady name 😂) he thought Declan was all rich because of his family. And he was. But he was disowned and no one knew that. It’s why Declan broke up with Ezra when things seemed good because Declan was going through a lot of hardships and changes and didn’t want to bring Ezra down. So he gave up the love he felt in the moment for Ezra so he could focus on himself and maybe as a message to his dad to take him back because he broke things off with his boyfriend. Declan and Austin are a lot alike and a lot of people have similar stories and experiences as they do. It’s the brutal thing everyone fears will happen when coming out. It’s not something ANYONE should ever have to go through, feel, or experience. I genuinely want to give all of you a hug.

So I didn’t really buy into the whole Felix and Declan as a relationship because honestly they were both going through a lot and were just holding onto the first person that returned the affection. As someone who does this A LOT 😅, whenever someone shows the slightest bit of interest, I cling onto the idea and have all these thoughts of what if he likes me? Does he like me? What does his last name sound with mine? Is he the one? You know, all those crazy thoughts I get 😂. And it’s because when no one has shown an interest, when someone does, it feels exciting and you jump at the first chance you get at it because what if it doesn’t happen again? I felt like Felix was doing that here—-jumping at the first person and clinging on. So was Declan. It wasn’t healthy. I liked them as friends because they could talk to each other about anything and I liked that because they both needed someone they could be honest with. It’s hard to be fully honest with friends and family because they know you so well, so I understand why they opened up to each other so easily. It’s easier because they didn’t know each other and they couldn’t form all these ideas of who that person should or shouldn’t be already. A blank slate.

I thought for sure when Declan called Felix he was going to know it was him. I mean, has he not heard Felix talk? 🤔 I was surprised. But then FELIX, Felix, Felix, Felix, HAD TO POST ON THE WRONG ACCOUNT!!! 😆 I screamed for him!!! He posted a selfie on his lucky liquid95 account after he realized he was a demiboy and gosh was I hoping Declan didn’t see the photo. But you know kids these days 😂, they see EVERYTHING.

My gosh, when Declan walked into the classroom the next day and stood in front of Felix in tears, my heart just dropped. Declan!! 😢 He probably felt screwed over. And at first Felix was doing it out of revenge until he really got to know Declan and trusted he didn’t do it.

Then Declan gave Felix another chance by bringing him home to his grandpa’s farm place, which I thought was cute. I thought it was even more cute how the grandpa was the guy on the train Ezra and Felix saw in the beginning of the book who told them that they would like his grandson😆. The grandpa was such a good grandpa in how he took Declan in after he was disowned and never judged Declan for it. Like Felix’s dad, I think the grandpa did good in trying to understand where Declan was coming from and supporting him. We love the progressive mindset. I also loved how the grandpa went up to Felix afterwards and told him not to hurt Declan 😢. HOW CUTE! 🧡

Then like the young boys they were, they went up to the bedroom where things got hot and heavy and when Felix told Declan he wasn’t ready and Declan was like, “It’s not scary,” or something along the lines like that, I was shaking my head. No no no no no no. If someone says they’re not ready—-if someone says no—-there should be no ands, ifs, or buts, or guilt trips. HECK NO. Don’t make Felix feel bad that he wasn’t ready by pressuring him. It just gave me the wrong vibes in the moment because it truly felt like Declan was again, trying to fill a void, by pressuring Felix to come back to his grandpa’s house and have sex with him.

They were very mature in the moment to talk about how Declan was hoping to have sex with Felix to get him to love him instead of Ezra.

Because we ALL KNEW Ezra loved Felix.

The way Ezra looked at him? The way Ezra got angry when Felix mentioned Declan? Ezra wasn’t angry because Declan was his enemy, he was angry because Felix was talking to his ex/another boy and Ezra liked him. So Ezra went to Austin to try to displace the feelings he felt for Felix. But deep down, deeeppp down, we all knew they both liked each other and that wasn’t going to change. And I was like FINALLY when Felix realized it wasn’t Declan.

Because the minute that Felix chose to go with Declan instead of make things up with Ezra after they kissed and had this big fight, I knew.

It goes back to that conversation Felix had with his dad when the dad said he would always love the mom, but he had to let her go and move on. And something about running away.

Then when he and Ezra kissed, it scared both of them because they knew how much it was real and it was scary. Love can be scary and fearful.

“I’d make so much sense, if we fell in love and started going out, if we stayed together through college and then got married and had a cute story about how we were high school sweethearts. It’s so perfect that the fear of it all ending, of him realizing that he doesn’t love me anymore, of him leaving me the same way my mother left, fills the hollow in my chest.”

(pg. 258)

Because when love comes easy or when love just feels so right, we tend to run away because it’s scary and it seems too easy. I reread Summer Days and Summer Nights, which I have a whole book review for (I’ll link it below), and the novella called Sick Pleasure had this line:

“Love can be so strange and sad. It can be hard to understand why we run toward certain people and away from others at different times in our lives. Why we search so hard for that thing we are looking for, and then run so fast when we find it.”

(pg. 113-4)

And it fits this situation perfectly.

But this whole time Felix kept saying how he wanted to be in love because it was his namesake, and here was someone who loved him—-wanted to love him—-and Felix didn’t want to believe that it was true, so he went to Declan because he was running away from the truth.

“I’ve been too afraid to let myself love Ezra, but I was willing to put up with Marisol. I told myself I wanted her to realize that I’m worthy of love and respect, but I knew she would never understand that. I was willing to let myself love Declan, knowing that he only loved the idea of me—-loved Lucky. I knew our relationship wasn’t going to work, but I let myself fall for him anyway. I was willing to reach out to my mom, knowing that she wouldn’t reach back to me. She still hasn’t responded, and I know she never will. It’s almost like I was looking for the pain and the hurt, because it was easier to live with the idea of that, even though I want love, I’m not the kind of person who deserves to be loved.”

(pg. 326-7)

I just want to shout from the rafters that Felix Love is worthy and deserves respect and love!!! 😩

My heart !

The mom was a huge part of why Felix felt like he didn’t deserve love. His own mother left him and she never talked to him after he came out to her. I knew at one point Felix would have to send one email. I hoped beyond hope that she would reach out, but it broke my heart that she didn’t. But you know, what? Felix did. He tried. And that’s more than the mom was doing. So Felix should be proud of himself for doing that. And it’s her loss if she doesn’t want anything to do with the amazon person Felix is becoming. It absolutely made my heart happy when Felix deleted all the drafts to his mom because it felt like a weight was lifted off his chest. I could feel it. He wasn’t going to hold onto the past and the hurt and the pain he felt. He is not his past, he is not his pain. He is his future and every step and every person he includes in it.

I was proud of him.

I loved how he was going to put the focus on himself.

People always say that when you focus on yourself, that’s the moment love finds you, and it sure as heck did. Or Felix found love.

I love love 🧡

I loved the whole rushing to the parade and everyone cheering them on because how FREAKING COOL!!! And I loved how Felix shouted I love you to Ezra all the way across the street and then they found each other and held each other close.

“If I hadn’t been so afraid of letting myself feel a real love like this.”

(pg. 338)

If I was at the parade, I would be crying right now. Heck, I was crying when I read this part 😭.

One of the other things I liked about the story was the art. I loved how the teacher pushed Felix to be his best because she saw so much potential in him. That’s the best kind of teacher. She asked Felix why he never made self-portraits and when she said that part of me felt like it was because Felix might have been uncomfortable with doing so. I got it. So I liked when he did start to draw himself and how he did it with so much vibrancy, love, and truth.

I loved loved loved the end and how it paralleled so much with the beginning. I love how Felix created his own gallery with images of him and his deadname, but this time on his terms and from his eyes. The way it should have always been. It emphasized how much Felix had grown to be comfortable enough to share that part of his life. And I absolutely adored and teared up at his speech at the end. I loved how before he went on, he smiled and said he was worthy of love and respect. That’s what I’ve been saying! 🤪 But it just warmed my heart that he believed it and knew it.

I also enjoyed the parallel when Ezra and him are on the train again. Bummed Declan’s grandpa wasn’t there again, that would have been real fun 😅. Or really awkward. But I thought it was cute how different Felix’s mindset was when he saw the R + J. Because when he first saw it way back when, he had a negative, cynical perspective about why someone would feel the need to write their initials on a train for everyone to see. But where Felix was now, he understood it, and so he wrote Ezra and his initials. It was their form of happily ever after. 🧡

I mean, F + E = 4EVA, am I right?

Felix’s namesake was such a beautiful detail of this book. I bet a lot of time and effort went into finding the perfect name for him. It was soooo good! Felix means lucky and it also means happy. And right now, Felix was happy and that made me happy.

Because I love love, but I love a happily ever after even more 😊.

Or I hope they live happily ever after 😂.

I know they will. I hope Felix gets into Brown and that he remains friends with Leah because she’s such a good person. I wouldn’t be mad at a Declan spin off story or a Leah spin off story because that would be super fun! And Declan needs some love in his life too, or to have a happy ending 😢. Yea, let’s manifest that! I declare a Declan spin off!!! Declan Never After 😂. A better title though 🤪!

Anyway, I’m rambling. What was your favorite part of the book? Least favorite part? Anything I mentioned that you want to discuss more about? 

What are your favorite books that are representative? Let me know below in the comments as I love hearing from you all 💕

I hope you have a beautiful day whenever and wherever you might be reading this.

And as always, with love,

Rating

4.98 Full Bloom Flowers

Characters: Can Felix be my best friend? And Leah? 😂

Plot: We ABSOLUTELY NEED more stories with as much representation and authenticity like this one. Everyone has a story to tell and it’s about time we gave people a platform to tell them.

Writing: It takes a great level of strength to write with such vulnerability and authenticity. I highly thank Kacen Callender for writing something that has touched and will continue to touch many lives. And their writing was so well-thought out and the conversations beautiful as it was thought-provoking.

Romance: Everyone deserves love and respect 🧡