Favorite Lessons & Moments of 2021

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Dear 2021, you went by way to fast and I had no idea what happened for most of it, so cheers to that. No, really. I had no idea what happened in the beginning half of the year and the last half of the year flew by before I knew it. Last year felt like twenty years wrapped up in one with one devastation or palpitation after the next. Things have still been crazy because we very much live in a pandemic with various variants, one of which has caused a recent spike of cases. It has also spiked my worry and fear and sorrow because I thought and hoped things would get better. It’s weird because I thought this time last year, I could write this blog post and the pandemic would be not as existent, but knowing that it is—even more so—has been really tough.

In all honesty, I am tired of the pandemic and feeling this weight on my chest of worries and fears of going out, being with friends or family, or going to school. It’s hard not to think in the back of my mind that everything is a risk to others and my health. I know even before the pandemic, everything has a risk, but it feels amplified. And I feel that everyday. I know I shouldn’t live my life in fear and I don’t want to, but I have been scared this past few years because the world still feels scary. I go out here and there, and I go to school, but I still feel that fear and sometimes I wonder if it’ll ever go away even if this pandemic gets less prominent. It’s been hard.

But this year has also felt like somewhat as normal as it could be when trying to live in a pandemic—going out a bit more, eating at a restaurant for the first time in over a year, seeing friends and families for the first time, going to an actual school building in over a year. It felt like starting over or rekindling what we all used to take for granted. It’s surreal.

Things are still not “normal” and I don’t know if they will ever be or when they will be. I don’t know if this is the new normal and how we continue and it’s weird to feel like it will be because I have to find a way to be okay with that and still do things I thought I would always do in my 20s. It’s honesty tough to be in your 20s in a pandemic because you want to do all these things or have these experiences, but a pandemic puts a cork in it. Or that’s how I felt because I’ve been more nervous than most people.

Despite everything, we continued. There were good moments, hard moments, and a lot of moments that felt the same because I haven’t been doing much besides school, reading, blogging, exercising, and trying to find some sense of okay-ness in it all. There have been sad moments where I cried practically every day or moments I sat in my room, clutching a pillow and holding back tears. Other moments of solitude and silence of being alone. And new moments that brought unexpected joy and pride. All those moments and lessons that made up a few unusual year still.

Here are those lessons and moments:

✨Favorite Lessons ✨

Burnout’s a Bi***, Take Care of Yourself

it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.

This year, I have felt more burned out than I have ever felt in my life. I didn’t even realize how burnt out I was until I finally had a break. It made me sad to think of how depleted I felt after so many months because I didn’t recognize how much of myself I was giving to other things rather than my well-being.

The beginning of this year from January to May was my extreme burnout. It was also the toughest semester I have ever had in college to date, and I can’t even begin to describe what I did in those months. I really can’t. It all felt like a blur of so much sorrow, anger, pain, agony, and tears. I was sad all the time because I felt stuck in my school work and if I didn’t do my schoolwork then I would inevitably have to do it at some point because if not, I would fail. And I have come too far in my education to fail in this semester. I was crying practically everyday or weak—full body racking sobs—because of how overwhelmed I was with the amount of work I had. I didn’t have a social life, I was barely reading books, I wasn’t watching movies or shows—-I wasn’t doing things that made me happy. I pushed all those things aside because I had to finish school work. And yes, I don’t have the healthiest balance with school and it’s something I’ve been working on, albeit, I’ll admit, not the best. But I’m aware and I’m trying. But I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t doing things that made the humanity in me happy. I felt pain, anger, and agony because each day I felt trapped in school. I felt like I was in prison, doing schoolwork and not really having anything to look forward to. I felt stuck and the only way out was the light at the end of the tunnel—summer break. But summer break loomed so far ahead that I couldn’t see the light. So I would get angry and feel this agonizing weight on my chest that felt burdened with school and I couldn’t even ease that burden because I was stuck in the thick of it all and I had to wait until summer break for any sort of relief.

That’s not healthy—living your life on hold or on pause.

I read something on Instagram recently about how we shouldn’t stop doing what we love for a certain date or reason—that each day is a reason to do what we love. That resonated with me so much because I wasn’t doing what I loved and I knew that. I also heard on a podcast how sometimes we crave vacation, but when we crave a vacation from our life, that sucks because it’s our life and we shouldn’t feel like we need a vacation from it. We should do things each day that makes us happy. That also resonated with me.

When school was done for the summer, I felt it in ever bone of my body—the ashes of my burn out. I would lie around until lunch time and do absolutely nothing. It took me months to even feel like a full functioning person again. I was a shell of a person who was so tired of school. I was questioning if I even wanted to continue school or my path. Even when school started back in August, I spent the entirety of July feeling the weight return to my chest. I have never ever felt so scared and discouraged and unmotivated to want to go back to school. Before school starts, usually, I have the typical I-don’t-want-to-go-back-to-school blues, but when I tell you, I was DREADING going back to school, I was DREADING it. I absolutely did not want to go back to school. And this feeling made me think about how bad my burn out really was. I was so burnt out, I didn’t want to go back to school and put myself through more burn-out (because this is my last year in college) and feel as sad, depleted, and hopeless as I did earlier this year.

I didn’t want to feel that way when I just felt like I was starting to recover from my burn-out.

There’s only so much burn out a person can take.

So, taking care of myself was something I learned so much more this year. I also learned that burn out is real and it takes a toll on your physical and mental well-being, and that we shouldn’t let our burn out reach the point that we feel depleted or like we can’t breathe or live. We shouldn’t flame the fire so much, but take steps to diminish it. Do things that make you happy each day. Do something for you, even if it is only for five or ten minutes. Take time for yourself. You need it. You don’t deserve it or earned it because the time you spend or make for yourself shouldn’t be a reward, it’s a necessity.

Spend time with people who make you happy or who understand that you need time to be alone because you feel tired or burnt out. Create boundaries for yourself and protect your peace. Know when you are burnt out and take a day or so if you can to fully push away the work and focus on you. One thing I’ve been trying is to get most of my work done during the week so I can do what I want on the weekends. Some times, I can’t because school takes priority, but sometimes I can. Those weekends are my weekends, but I will say it’s hard to not think or want to do work. Set boundaries.

Burn out can take the life out of you as it did me, but don’t let it.

Take care of yourself.

No amount of work or school or assignment or reading or others expectation is worth losing yourself, your happiness, or your peace. This is your life, live it with kindness to yourself.

You Are More Capable than Anyone Gives Gave You Credit For

I don’t want to come across as conceited, but I want to shout myself out. You know, we should be proud of the things we never thought we could do. For me, I am so proud of myself for speaking up a bit more and teaching my first full day at an elementary school.

I should feel proud of myself. I am proud of myself.

I never thought at the beginning of the semester that I could teach a full day because for the past year, I’ve been doing virtual field work at a school. Teaching online with a microphone is vastly different than teaching in-person wearing a mask. Wearing a mask is a whole other battle to deal with when teaching because you have to speak up and sometimes you sound mumbled. As someone who has a softer voice and who has never been the loudest, adding a mask into the mix was hard. I was softer with projecting my voice at the beginning of the semester, which I expected because I have never taught before. But over the semester, my mentor teacher (MT) has told me that my projection has gotten better.

And you know what?

I’m proud of myself.

My whole life, people told me I was too quiet or too shy or too timid. I’ve been told way too many times to count that I could never be a teacher or how could I be a teacher when I was so quiet. It’s hard not to take those comments personally when it is personal—it attacked a disposition in myself I always knew myself to be. I’m shy and I’m quiet. For the longest time, I thought I was incapable because I was those things.

But, I’m not.

I’m so so much more than how other people made me feel.

I can speak up and teach. I can talk louder in front of a class.

Am I the loudest? NO. But am I working on it each day to become more comfortable and speak up more? Yes. And that’s what matters. Because I’m not going to be the loudest, most confident person in a room because that’s not who I am and I’m tired of people making me feel bad if I’m not loud or the most confident. Some people are, and some people aren’t and there’s nothing wrong with that; the biggest lie I’ve ever been told was that there is. There’s nothing wrong with being shy and quiet and still wanting to teach and speak up. It’s a learning process that I’ve battled my entire life. I couldn’t even do a presentation when I was younger without crying, and now I’m speaking up in front of students AND I taught a full day?

I am proud of myself.

I am proud of how much I learned about who I am and what I know I am capable of. No one knows what you are capable of as much as you do.

They think they know who you are because of what they see on the outside or what they judge at a first glance or whisper, but they don’t know. They don’t know what you’ve been through to be who you are or to be where you are today. They don’t know, so they can’t make any judgment or calls about what you are capable of. You are capable of everything and more—-you set your mind to it, and I guarantee you, you can do it.

Don’t do it for others, do it for yourself because you know you can.

I think of my younger self, my high school self, heck, myself a year ago, and I think all those version of me would be immensely proud of where I am today and how far I’ve come 💗

You Know Who You Are

This lesson goes with my last lesson, but you know yourself better than anyone else.

Don’t listen to others who think they know who you are and set limits on who you can be because they don’t know your heart or your experiences.

For me, many limited me as the shy, quiet girl. I was nothing more, nothing less. I was also really smart to others, but to be honest, I’m the smart that has worked immensely hard to be my best. I’m not naturally smart. But for twenty years, I partially internalized what others thought I could amount to because when you’re told something enough it’s hard not to believe it.

“Funny, how you can believe things about yourself if someone tells you enough.”

(pg. 230)

This quote is from Take Me With You When You Go by Jennifer Niven and David Levithan. I resonated with Bea the main character because people expected nothing from her, and set these limits on who she could be based on a few things they thought they knew. They don’t know the full story.

We know our full story.

When we forget our worth, we need to remember who we are.

The mountains we climbed. The pits we sat in. The rock bottoms we dwelled.

The tears we shed. The sweat we shined.

The aches and pains in our bones, minds, and heart.

We know every step of our journey and who we are.

So who are we to let anyone tell us who we are or what we are capable of? And why in the WORLD should we even listen?

I mean, right? We shouldn’t.

It’s hard not to, but remind ourselves that WE know who we are and no one can take that away from us or make us feel like we can’t live up to the potential we have inside.

You Aren’t Alone

The last year has been one of the loneliest years. I barely talked to anyone or had many friends because it’s hard to make friends in a pandemic.

The most I talked was to myself, and not in a weird way. More like in a, not-to-self way.

But I have never felt more alone than my years dorming or last year. I don’t know, last year was more mentally thinking I was alone and dorming was actually being alone. Mentally thinking your alone is just as melancholy as actually being alone because you convince yourself that you’ll never find friends or have people in your life there for you.

I went back to school in person for the first semester in my senior year, and I just have to say, I was reminded that I’m not alone.

You are never as alone as you feel in your environment or in your head.

You will always have people who are with you or who are thinking about you—people who care.

Especially with the pandemic, not socializing, and being around people, I forgot what it was like to be a human being and crave connection. I remember crying everyday in March 2020 because I missed how things were—I missed being around people and having human connection. That’s the one thing I missed so much with everything. But I grew comfortable, almost content and complacent in my silence and solitude, that when being with others for the first time in September 2021, it shook me.

I was unnerved.

I was uncomfortable.

I remember coming home at the end of that week, crying and not really understanding why until an epiphany hit my heart: I missed human connection so much that I didn’t realize how much I missed it until I had it again.

And that mad me sad.

The fact that I was crying because I didn’t know how much I missed being around people

. I missed it so much. I missed talking to others. I missed making jokes. I missed having actual conversation. I missed hearing the nuances in thought. I missed reading people’s body language. I missed bonding with someone.

That was also the moment I realized I wasn’t alone, I had people and I had spent so long without them.

You are never alone, even if the world feels lonely these days. I know it’s difficult to find people or to feel safe doing so, and it’s so tough because I’m in my twenties and I want to do all these things and meet new people and have new experiences, but the pandemic has made me question what I should do or what I can do. I get sad about it because I want to live my life, but I also want to be safe. It’s hard.

But what you feel today, isn’t how you’ll feel every day or forever.

There are better days.

Some Days Are Just Bad or Sad Days

Wow, what a good segue.

Another big thing I learned this year was that some days I’m just going to be sad or have a sad day and that’s okay.

It sounds unhealthy and morbid, but let me explain.

I had depression after my parents divorced and my ED, so sometimes I get in these moods where I’m naturally sad or something feels sad or weird and I don’t know what I feel because I just feel sad or down. On those days, I don’t know what’s wrong, but the more I fight the sad feeling, the sadder I feel because I know somethings wrong and I need to let it be and just process it.

So if a day feels sad to me, then it’s sad and I’m going to process it and understand why.

If I need to lie down and watch movies or read all day, then I’ll do that.

If I need to push myself away from others so I don’t snap at them or ruin their moods, I be quiet and sit to myself because I need that for me.

And I’m not saying everyday should be a sad day or you should always feel that way, but it’s okay if you do feel sad and you just need to feel that. It’s scary and it’s hard to think about your internal sadness and problems, but it helps when you begin to dive into that sadness and you realize that maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

I also learned the just because you have sad moments or bad moments in a day, does not mean it has to be a bad day. Do something to shift the day—take a walk, paint or color, read a book, call a friend, watch a comfort show—do something you know makes you happy and can uplift your mood. It can change your whole day. Some days are like that too—you have snappy or down moments, but that doesn’t mean you are a bad person or you have to let the day just be sad (unless you want to process how you feel). You can do things that make you happy.

Being an Adult, Doesn’t Mean Giving Up What You Love

The older I get, the more I realize how much we lose ourselves to the mundanity of adulthood. We also give up things we loved when we were younger because we think we have to be mature or responsible. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be responsible, but you don’t have to fall into the bore of adulthood to be an adult. You don’t have to give up things that made you happy as a kid because people might think it childish. If it makes you happy, it’s not childish.

If you like to draw with chalk on the sidewalk, take all the chalk outside and draw your heart out.

If you like to binge watch Disney TV shows and movies because they are your comfort shows, call me up because I would love to watch with you 😂.

If you like to draw and paint because it brings you peace and joy, buy all the canvases and paint you want.

If you like to build Leggos, go do it.

If you like to do puzzles or color by numbers, go do it.

If you like to bake, go do it.

Whatever you liked to do as a kid that made your heart fee light, sparkly, and free, GO DO IT.

Just because you’re an adult, doesn’t mean you instantly stop being who you are and stop loving what you love. Those things you did when you were younger are still things I bet you like to do now, or maybe your interests changed, I don’t know. It’s okay if your interests change, but do the childish thing (within reason) that makes you happy.

I loved drawing, painting, playing hopscotch, writing stories, baking, reading, crafting, and so much more growing up. But I’ve stopped doing all these things because of school and life. We all say we get busy or we don’t have the time, which I understand. Sometimes we don’t have all the time to do what we loved.

But find time to integrate one thing you loved from your childhood into what you want to do.

It’ll make you beyond happy. I promise.

It’s Okay To Not Have it All Figured Out or be What You Planned

The closer I get to graduating next year, the more I think about what I want to do after college.

The answer?

I have no freaking clue.

I can teach right after I graduate. But as someone who hasn’t seen the world or who hasn’t done anything besides school, I want to have more experiences before I settle down and work. But then my student loan debt and bills makes me think I should work.

There’s also a big part of me that wants to write.

I write manuscripts during the summer because that’s the only time I feel like I can fully devote the time and attention I want to a written project. There are manuscripts I am immensely proud of and would love to be represented one day, I’m just one sure who or when. I queried something my freshman year of college, and it didn’t work out. I’ve been holding out on querying a more recent project because I decided after freshman year that I wanted to finish school and focus on school. Then maybe during spring or summer break my senior year, I could query this project to see if an agent would represent me. It’s a heavy story, and I have gone through the spirals of wondering if anyone would read this story because it’s personal and not something you would read on a happy day. It’s a HEAVY book. But I also think it could be powerful and touch someone who also has gone through it.

I don’t know.

But I would like to try.

So, I’ve been debating if I work/teach or try make my dream of becoming a published author come true?

I don’t know.

It’s hard to know what you want to do after college, and it’s such a natural feeling. I never understood people when they said senior confusion or doubts, but now that I’m going through it, I know exactly what they mean.

But one thing I’ve been coming to terms with is being gentle with myself to know it’s okay to not know yet or have a plan. Take things day by day and see where they lead you. See what works our and what doesn’t—-what doors open and what doors shut. Follow your intuition and your heart and know that there is a plan for you that you might not see now. Don’t worry about it at the moment and figure it out as you go.

That’s the best we can do.

I also think what’s meant to be, will be. Or maybe if it’s a no at the time, to trust the timing because you can always try again. Maybe it’s just not the right time.

Life has an interesting way of working out and presenting things when we least expect it or know we need it. Trust that things will work out as they should.

It’s hopefully going to be okay.

You got this 🥰.

💕 Favorite Moments 💕

Going Into the Classroom

As I mentioned before, I did online field for the last year. This past semester was the first time in my college education program where I could go in-person for field. Was I freaking terrified out of my mind? Absolutely. Going into a school in a pandemic and where kids aren’t vaccinated, didn’t feel like the safest thing to me. Also, being home alone for the past year made me terrified to go out in the world again.

I was apprehensive to touch anything or anyone. I always wanted to wash or sanitize my hands. I felt compelled to double mask. I was so scared to be near any students because in the back of my mind, I didn’t know where they had been or where they came from. And it’s not like I wanted to think badly of the students and it’s not like I did because they are really, really amazing students, it’s just the whole health-risk of being in-person terrifies me beyond words.

I remember one of my first days, I was asked to carry a student’s bag to the health room because this student didn’t feel well. Of course, that made an already petrified me, feel shaken. But I had to do it because what else was I supposed to do. I grabbed the student’s bag with the tips of my finger and made little contact. Over the semester, I have learned to sharpen their pencils or pick up their papers and all these other things that still make me nervous and scared because of the germ-factor. But I think of those first few days and how far I’ve come, but still trying to find a place where I feel safe. I’m probably not going to feel completely comfortable touching students things, but I’m trying to find a balance between being safe but also helping out in the classroom. It’s such a difficult balance because I am scared. I feel like I will always have that fear now. But I’m trying to still be safe and keep to what is comfortable to me, and I think that’s all you can do right now.

Being in the field also has allowed me more connection with students, my MT, and the school. It’s more of a wholesome experience than the last year where I didn’t feel like I was doing much but watching students do the bare minimum online and teacher’s trying to navigate online leaning. I never wanted to impose on my MT’s because they looked like they were figuring out how to do online learning, so balancing mentoring was difficult so I didn’t know what I could do or if I could “over-step” in helping. I didn’t know. But I have been teaching more, slowly taking on more blocks. This helped me immensely with my first solo day. The more I taught, the less I sweated 😅.

Yikes.

I’m a sweater.

Not like the comfy sweater, but pools of water dripping down my back and forehead because I WAS NERVOUS to teach in front of the students. On my first solo day, I was dripping in sweat. It was not a pretty pictures. Teaching for the first time and having your instructor watch you and your MT and another peer, is OVERWHELMINGLY NERVE-WRACKING for a typically quiet person 😅. So, I sweated profusely. I felt soooo embarrassed when my MT told me afterwards that it went well and that I should chill because I guess she saw how nervous I was—maybe the sweat or something—but yea I was nervous and now embarrassed.

When you’re a sweater, always wear white or black because they can’t see your sweat stains for the most part if you’re wearing white or black. Good tip.

On my second formal, I didn’t sweat as much because I was less onerous with teaching more. Also, I told myself to chill because as long as I know I tried my best, then that’s all that matters because I’m not perfect and I’m not being judged for being perfect, but if my teaching works and how students respond. That’s something I’ve been trying to remember more. But gosh, that was funny. Not funny in the moment, but funny now. I hope I don’t sweat that much when I go back in person (hopefully) for spring semester.

I also really, really love the students. They are the most wholesome, kind, sweetest people ever. I love this one student and some others who compliment my MT and I on our outfits or that they think we’re great teachers. I also loved this one student who said he loved being in school because learning was fun and he loves being with his peers and he loves his teachers 🥺. I also loved when this one student who fell asleep during my first formal, told me he was going to try stay awake for my second formal, and he did! That made me sooo happy. I love an engaged student 😂. I also loved when students started coming up to me or asking me for things. The first couple of weeks, I could tell they didn’t trust me because they didn’t know me or think I knew what I was doing in the classroom. Granted, I didn’t, but it made me know I had to build their trust and respect. I tried to be cool and play at recess with them if someone didn’t have someone to play with. I also tried to make conversation and help different students. When a student came up to me for the first time to ask me a question, I felt so honored because he came up to me!!!! Not my MT, me!!! It meant a lot that he trusted me to ask me what to do. I love when students come up to me now and they talk to me about the cutest or randomest things like goblin sharks, gymnastics, sports, Pokemon, food, Spiderman. One student came up to me during the last week of school and showed me his writing because he wanted me to read it. That meant the absolute world to me 💗🥺. This student is so cute. *sigh* I love them. They are such good kids. Wild sometimes, but good kids.

I don’t know, I just really love kids.

Teaching My First Solo Day

I did my first solo day!!!!! CHEERS TO ME!

No, really. Who knew I could do it?

But it went so chill. Chiller than I thought it would go.

They listened to me. The lessons were not that hard to teach because it was a testing day and the other subjects, we just played games or did review lessons. The phonics went decent because it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I think it’s just about making sure they got the sounding out parts right.

But it went surprisingly not terrible. It wasn’t chaotic.

I’m supposed to do a full two weeks of solo teaching next semester and I’m nervous because I only a day, so I can’t imagine a week. But I’ve been teaching most of the two days I’m in field, so I don’t know.

Let’s hope that things go decently well for my solo weeks. It also felt so surreal to teach for a full day because I have always wanted to be a teacher. So to have full control over the classroom like I was the actual teacher was wild in the best way.

Painting Stairs

This one probably sounds ridiculous, but I painted some stairs 😂.

Our education group worked on a school project where we re-painted the stairs at one of our schools. We planned this project together for a semester before doing it. This was the first time I met my entire cohort in the year we have been together. That’s insane.

The first time I met them was in a year.

WILD.

I have met some of them in passing or in other classes when things were in-person, but it always surprises me now days when I see people with legs 😂 and to see how tall or short they are. It’s so weird because I think someone is tall and then they end up being not as tall as I thought. I don’t know. It’s so weird.

But it felt nice (and nerve-wracking) to meet them all (with health protocols) and paint stairs together. We split our cohort in two—where one did one set of stairs and the other group did the second. It was fun to get to know more about the people in my cohort and to work with them in person. We shared many laughs and team-building moments. We had Justin Bieber and Harry Styles music as we worked. We played ice breaker and getting to know you games while the paint dried. We problem solved together.

It was nice to interact with people. I haven’t interacted with people my age in what felt like forever. I accidentally went a bit too hard on painting the stairs and got some on the wall, and we all laughed about it because then everyone else started getting the paint on the wall. It was a good, but tiring day that lasted longer than we thought. But it was also very wholesome to see the people I’ve been working with. You know, they’re probably not reading this blog, but last year was isolating and there were many days I felt down and alone. But what got me through it was my cohort because I knew I would see them practically everyday online and we would go to break out rooms to talk. It’s not the same thing as talking in person, but it was the best thing given the circumstances. If it weren’t for the love, care, support, and love of these fifteen girls I’ve never-met-but-did, I wouldn’t have gotten through 2020 as well as I did. I would have fell into a depression and loneliness I felt earlier that March and Summer. I thank them for being the best fifteen gals I’ve worked with in-person and online. I always think about how if we had learned in-person with each other from the start, how much closer we could have been. But then I think how we survived and learned—and still are— through a pandemic together and how maybe that made us even closer because we had this shared wild, traumatic experience that bonded us.

I’m grateful for them each and every day and I am honored to hopefully graduate together 💗.

Forming Relationships

A big theme in this year’s favorite memories and lessons are relationships.

I don’t have a lot of friends.

I used to in high school when I saw more people everyday. .

In college, not so much because making friends as an adult is hard. Making friends in college as an adult in a pandemic is near non-existent.

Suffice to say, I haven’t been making a lot of friends the past few years and I don’t blame the state of the world because I could go out and find friends and meet people, but deep down I’m nervous to go out with everything. That’s just me.

I do hope to find more friends and meet people who genuinely care about me or who have the same interests. I’ve noticed that sometimes I can keep friends in my life because we have all this history, but maybe I’m holding onto these friendships because it’s the only friends I have; sometimes I don’t know if they want to be friends with me. But as I’ve said before, relationships take work and equal effort. I hope I find that. I really do. I thought I would with college, but things have shifted and so has my ideas.

But I have formed a few relationships with my cohort, my MT, and students. Those relationships mean the world to me because I value each and everyone of them and wish them nothing but love and good health.

I appreciate them so much.

Driving More

Going into field, I have been driving more.

I have driven more in the past year than I have in all the years I have had my license and that’s a fact 🤪.

You see, I’m not the best driver directionally. I’m a so-so driver; I drive like I just got my license. But do I know how to get places even though I lived in the same state all my life? No.

So I haven’t been driving. Also, it’s not like I had places to be or people to see last year.

I have a decently far drive to my school. It’s been a learning curve and terrifying because driving is a huge responsibility, but I’ve been learning. Also, driving with good music and podcasts is nice.

Got a New Car

I can’t believe I forgot to write this.

I just came back to type this, but here we are.

In October, during my fall break, someone crashed into my passed-down Toyota Corolla. It was a white car and it was parked on the street. Someone banged the back and busted it up pretty terribly. The thing is, I heard the crash outside my window early in the morning and I looked to see if anyone was hurt or something damaged. I saw nothing. I live by a Main Street, so I thought maybe the crash happened there. I went back to bed because I wasn’t going to walk down a main street early in the morning.

Then when I went downstairs to drink water that morning, I saw a note from my dad saying that it was my car they busted 🙃.

I learned how to drive in this car. My brother and sister learned to drive in this car. I drove to field in this car—the first car that felt like mine’s and felt like freedom. It was the car that I made my first grown-up move in—driving. I decorated this car. I drove to different field placements in this car. I cried when I saw the car all broken up because it held all these memories and firsts. It broke my heart.

It was only a car, but it was also memories.

I’m glad no one was hurt and I wasn’t in the car, but it still sucked to lose a car that held memories. The car couldn’t be fixed so we had to order a new one because all the new cars were on backorder. Also, no one found who hit the car. But shoutout to my amazing neighbors who literally walked down the street that morning and afternoon, trying to find any cars that might have crashed into my car. Also, I loved how some neighbors went to nearby stores and sought out cars that looked guilty. I loved the effort.

But we had to get a new car. So we did.

The car’s name is Jem Car-stairs.

You know, because it’s a white color and it’s a car 😂. TID fans know.

It feels weird because I miss the old car, but I also think how maybe this is a new start with new firsts? I don’t know. I don’t know cars, all I know is I hope everything will be safe, and that I’m thankful we could get a new car.

Writing Project Lilac

In the summer of 2021, I wrote Project Lilac on a whim. I started writing it on June 29 and finished the very rough draft on July 29. The rough draft is 99,435 words—-like I said, it is a ROUGH draft 😅. It has my word vomit all over it, and I’m going to edit it and take out a lot of words.

But with a first draft, I say just write it all out there and then go back and edit it because you can always take away or add more, but when writing something the first time around, I like to leave it all there because who knows if I’ll like it later on.

Project Lilac is a story that came to mind after a conversation with a professor in December 2020 that changed my perspective of how I saw myself my entire life. When she said certain words to me, it was like I needed to be told these words sooner so I never had to feel the way I did growing up. The idea fermented in my mind through December and spring semester, and in the summer, I started outlining and synopsising what I thought this idea of the book could be. I wanted to write something that others like me could relate to and should hear sooner because it wasn’t until I heard it from my professor that I felt like I would be okay. And I think people come into your life and they teach you things that you never knew you needed to hear. Sometimes people also come into your life to tell you things that you never knew you needed to hear.

I will always be grateful for how this professor made me feel with her kind words. I feel like Project Lilac is all over the place with its plot and intention and characters, so gosh knows I need to do some major re-wrties, but it could be a fun and good story. I hope it can be something that touches people like I felt after having this one inspiring conversation.

Falling in Love with Fantasy Books Again

I fell in love with fantasy book again 💗.

I wrote this whole spiel on my Top Ten Favorite Books of 2021 about how I fell in love with fantasy books again, so I don’t want to regale it over here too. But in short, I fell in love with reading through fantasy books because different worlds were an escape for me during difficult and despondent times in my life. I loved reading about interesting, chaotic, and fascinating worlds and characters who navigated them. I think it was seeing a world that was more complex than my own and characters battling the system or something that made me feel like my problems weren’t as hard as theirs, and if they could get through it, I could get though it too.

I haven’t read many new fantasy books over the years because I’ve been busy with school and haven’t had time to dedicate to fantasy books, but I miss the adventure and thrill of what a fantasy book gives.

My goal is to read new fantasy series next year because I love love love a world I can get lost in.

Working Towards Being Okay

For a long time, I haven’t been okay.

I remember as far back as fifth grade, people would always ask me “Are you okay?”

And I always wondered why they would ask me that because did I not look okay? I felt like I looked okay, but maybe they saw something that felt hollow and sad inside because on the inside, yea, I was not okay.

I was going through a lot of changes that I didn’t know how I should feel about. I was hurt, angry, tired, lost, and sad all the time. I felt alone because I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to who could understand the depths of my emotions or changes. I went through many hard moments in my life alone because I had no one to talk to. I battled things people had no idea about because I didn’t even know what I was going through until years later. It wasn’t even until maybe this year that I felt like maybe I was working towards being okay—-that this is my time to find peace towards being okay. Because all the years before this year, I felt like I was surviving some of the painfullest moments I felt—some of the most complex and saddest moments. And it was hard. I wasn’t okay for a long time, and when more things added to that not-okay pile, I continued to suffer under the weight of not being okay. Not being okay for a long time takes a toll on you and the relationships in your life and your mental health.

I pushed people away when I wasn’t okay because I didn’t know how to tell them I wasn’t okay—that I needed to figure out how to be okay or mend on my own. When I pushed them away, I realized now that I wasn’t being a good friend because maybe I wasn’t there for them when they needed a friend. Now, I don’t know how to get them back as friends because I want to make things okay because I feel like I am beginning to be in a better place or to talk about it. It’s hard.

But when all my friends were living it up—partying, drinking, making more friends, going on dates, dancing—I was struggling with harsh things. When I went through those harsh things, I wasn’t at peace or happy. But when my friends were living it up, they were at peace and happy. It always made me feel like I was battling things and they weren’t, and that made me kind of sad because they are the very people who are in relationships now or who have a lot of close friends or who can talk to people easily. They have all these happy memories because they didn’t survive their adolescents while I don’t have the happiest memories because I was surviving it.

So this past year, it felt like maybe this was my time where I could find peace and live it up as much as I could in a pandemic.

We all go through different phases in life or things when it’s the time. People have found peace and happiness earlier on than me because I was going through things, and maybe it’s my time to find that—to work towards being okay.

Some days I still find myself resorting to sadness because it’s easier. I remember I used to want to cry everyday or cry myself to sleep, but when I realized that I wasn’t crying every night, it made me feel weird. But then I realized, I shouldn’t be crying myself to sleep every night because people don’t cry themselves to sleep every night because they feel like they deserve it or want to. It was then that I knew how sad I was and how much sadness had become a comfort. It still is because it’s hard to break a habit that I grew up with. But I’m trying to recognize when I get sad and letting myself feel that way if I need to to move past that sadness. Sometimes I let myself cry until I’m okay, as the bros from the Bromance Bookclub would say. But other times, I ask myself “Why am I sad?” What makes this moment sad to me? I try to be aware of my emotions to talk myself out of things if I need to. Self-awareness is everything.

And you know, I will have sad or hard days, but that doesn’t make me a bad person or that I’m not continuously trying my best. Life had i’s ebbs and flows and I will go through it. But I’m still healing.

Healing doesn’t have to make you uncomfortable. Healing can be comfortable.

I’m probably always going to work towards being okay because that’s something that doesn’t come easy for me, but knowing the things I do now, it doesn’t feel as lonely or sorrowful as I thought healing could be. I used to think I didn’t deserve love or happiness because I tend to be sad—like how could someone love me if I was naturally sad—but we are all deserving of love regardless of who we are. If someone lives with anxiety, they are worthy of love. If someone lives with OCD, they are worthy of love. If someone lives with any form of trauma, they are worthy of love. Our worthiness of being loved isn’t and shouldn’t be tied to a condition—-love isn’t conditional. We can have OCD, anxiety, trauma, depression and all these things and still be loved and love others. I just wanted to mention that because it was something I never thought for myself in terms of being okay. But you deserve love and you deserve to be okay each day—whatever and however that means to you 💗.

Taylor Swift, Adele, Ed Sheeren

I added this in here because I love love love good music. If you ask me who my top artists are it’s: Taylor Swift, Adele, Shawn Mendes, Ed Sheeran, Sam Smith, and Dup Lipa. Alls such incredible song-writers and story-tellers. But GOSH, when Ed Sheeran released an album in October, followed by Red Taylor’s Version on November 12, and then Adele’s 30 on November 19!???!?!?!? I was living in the prime-time trifecta of PHENOMENAL MUSIC 👏🏼!!!!

I swooned over Shivers, Red (TV), and 30.

What masterpieces.

I felt spoiled and honored that my favorite artists released all this music so close together. What a treat for me 😩💗!!! How could that not be a highlight of my year!

My favorite songs from Shiver are Shiver, The Joker and the Queen, 2step, Love in Slow Motion, and Visiting Hours. from Red (TV), I loved Message in a Bottle, The Very First Night, All Too Well (10 minute version) Run, Nothing New, Red, Better Man and you know, the whole entire album. From 30, I loved Easy on Me, Oh My God, I Drink Wine, All Night Parking, Hold On, To Be Loved, and Love is a Game. Gosh, To Be Loved is Adele at her rawest, most powerful, honest, and bone-chilling best. I love her. I loved all the songs, but those were the ones I played the most.

Zendaya Slayed the Outfit Game

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This also might sound like the most random favorite moment, but I love Zendaya. I’m a big Zendaya stan. What a poise, beautiful, kind, funny, and phenomenal woman. Also, her fashion game is unbeatable. Her and Luxury Law? Unstoppable.

Maybe it’s because last year no one was going anywhere and there went’t any events, but she SLAYED ALL THE WAY THROUGH THIS YEAR 👏🏼💗!

There was not a look that didn’t have my mouth dropping in pure astonishment. She’s a visionary and a masterpiece and creative beauty.

Wow.

I love a strong and stylish woman.

Luxury Law is one of the BEST stylists out there and that’s no joke.

I mean, gosh, she never has a bad look. And she was the youngest person to win the Council of Fashion Designers of America Fashion (CDFA) Icon Award this year. As she should 👏🏼!

An icon indeed.

🎞 To All the Movies and Shows I’ve Never, Needed and Wanted to Watch Before 🎞

I guess you can say 2021 was filled of chapters closing, habits growing, and new things on the horizon. I didn’t realize how dark of a place I was in last year and this year until I slowly but surely found myself crawling out of the dark. I also realized how much we’re all still finding our way back to normalcy after such a wild and weird year. Honestly, 2020 felt like twenty years wrapped up in one never-ending year that felt so high stakes, terrifying, hopeless, and dark. With vaccinations, boosters, and possible medicines, things looked hopeful this year because more people were getting vaccinated, and less people were getting sick. But that also meant a lot of push back from people who didn’t want to get vaccinated. I don’t want to get into it that much because that might start some complex conversations, but I think that if you can, get vaccinated. It helps your community, your family, and yourself. If we’re going to move forward, more people need to get vaccinated because we can’t go out into this world with a bunch of people who are putting others or themselves at risk. I understand the fear, I get it, but there’s a bigger fear in not getting vaccinated. I’m no doctor, so take my advice as you will, but there’s been yet another divide on that matter.

I also knew that there would be a divide because a new vaccine that was created in a year is sure to bring controversy and push back. I get it. But I hope we can normalize vaccinations for the health and safety of others.

I really don’t know what 2022 is going to be like. You know when Taylor Swift sang “How can you know everything at 18 and nothing at 22?” I felt that soooooooo much 👏🏼! You don’t even know.

I thought I had this whole plan for what the next four years of my life would be after I graduated high school. At the time, there was no pandemic yet, so the plans I had didn’t seem lost on me at all. But then 2020 happened, and suddenly, I had no idea what my future looked like or what the future looked like in general. What was the future of the world in a pandemic? How were we going to get through it? I’ve just been trying to get by day to day at this point because it’s been a challenging couple of years and so many things are changing around us with vaccinations or variants or whatever the heck is going on, and it just feels never ending sometimes. I fell into a depression this December with the variants and rise of cases and not being around many people. I felt as lost and hopeless as I did back in March 2020 because I thought by this time next year, things would have been better or there wouldn’t’ be a pandemic. But that wasn’t the case. We are still very much living in a pandemic, so much with variants and a rise of cases. It sucks. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around that because I don’t want to feel this hopeless or sad with everything going on and all the things I had to grieve because the pandemic changed what I thought things would be. I don’t know.

And I still don’t know. I thought I knew it all at eighteen—-or at least what I would like to think I would have done—-but now I’m going to turn 22 this year, and it feels like I don’t know anything.

I don’t know what I’m going to do after I graduate college.

I don’t know if I want to work or take a year off.

I don’t know if or when I’ll ever make friends because of the isolation that’s still going on.

I don’t know when things will remotely feel better.

I don’t know when I’ll see family without being scared out my mind.

I don’t know when I’ll meet new people.

I don’t know when I’ll ever get to travel like I always thought I would do after I graduated.

I don’t know much.

I don’t know, and it’s been weighing on me.

I don’t need to know everything, but I just feel like the older I have gotten, the more I realize you just never know what happens and that plans always change. I also learned that you should take things day by day because things constantly change. Also, looking at things year by year or month to month can make something feel so daunting, but taking it day by day makes things feel doable—-like you can figure it out day by day or moment by moment. And that’s something I’m going to take with me in 2022. I don’t know what this year’s going to be like and I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I’m going to take things day by day and go with the flow. See where things take me after college or what I want to do. It’s scary to think I’m graduating college when it hasn’t felt like I’ve even been in college these last few years.

But I’m going to figure it out day by day, moment by moment.

And if you need to do that too, that’s okay.

One of my goals for 2022 is to be more present with myself, and by that I mean, enjoy my company. I need to stop vying for others to want to spend time with me if they don’t and be okay with my alone time because I love my alone time. But sometimes I know I get lonely and I ask people to talk or hang out and no one wants to, and then I get sad because I’m alone, but maybe I just need to be present with myself and be okay with that.

Another goal is to maintain relationships with people who want to be in my life. I don’t know, I feel like I put all my love and care into my relationships in my life because I don’t have many friends, so I try to make sure the friends or people in my life know how much I love and appreciate them. But sometimes I don’t know if I’m just holding onto friendships because we have all this history or because they want to be friends with me anymore. I’m just worried that I’m trying so hard to keep these relationships in my life because they’re the only relationships I have in this pandemic and I don’t know what I would do without them. I know what they say about clinging onto something too tightly . . . Maybe I need to recognize that I need to find new people in my life who would love the person I am today and not the person I was when I was younger but we just like each other now because we have so much history. I don’t know.

I want to be better about not buying as much. I will admit, I have grown a shopping addiction or overconsumption habit over the last few years. Not going out, but ordering things and having new clothes or things to unbox was the most excitement I would get. I would buy, buy, buy because it brought me dopamine and happiness when I was sad. And it hasn’t been healthy because now I have all these clothes and things I know I don’t need and want to get rid of but feel bad for doing so because I haven’t worn or used them yet. So I want to stop buying things I want and only things I need; also to use the things I have. I have had this goal for the past few years and I’ve never been good with it, but I would genuinely like to try this year because I know it’s an unhealthy rush of momentary happiness that I’m not proud of. I will still buy books, of course. That’s a need 😉.

For my writing goals, I want to edit Project Lilac and maybe draft or start a new book idea I have had for a while. I might also query Project Teal or maybe write the quires and synopsis and make sure it’s something I’m proud of before rushing in. The thing is Project Teal is a heavy book. It has romance, but it talks about a heavy topic and I’m not too sure what agent or audience there is for this book. I do think there are people who could relate to Project Teal so much and it’s a book I would have liked to read when I was younger and needed to feel less alone. Project Teal is from my heart and I wrote it during a vulnerable, depressed, and lost part of my life; this book was for me. And I am proud of what I created and I hope that I can share it with the world one day, but you know, the more I’ve thought about it over the two years I’ve had it in my files, is that it’s going to be okay because I know that this book was for me and what I needed to write when I needed to find peace. And to me that matters a whole lot more. Maybe it can find your eyes one day, but until then, it’ll always be the story that means the most to me.

Lastly, I guess a goal I have is to let go of the ideas I thought I would achieve or have by now. Like I said previously, I thought I would have done things differently and I had to grieve what could have been if we weren’t in a pandemic. But I think it’s time for me to let those thoughts go because we are and probably will always be battling what’s going on in the world and I don’t know when things will get better, but I don’t want to be sad anymore thinking about what could have been and being hard on myself for not doing those things because those things are out of my control. You know. Gosh, I’m tearing up.

But I thought I would make more friends in college, and in a lot of ways I did. But I’m ready to let that go because I can make new friends one day after college and throughout life.

I thought I would get to travel to Europe. I’m ready to let that idea go for now, but not forever because I will get to go to Europe one day and explore the beauty that Europe has. But with the health and safety of the world and traveling, it just doesn’t seem feasible right now, and I thought it would be something I could do soon. But it doesn’t. I have to say maybe not now, but one day.

I thought I would be in a relationship or find love. You know this is embarrassing to right as a reader and hopeless romantic, but yea, I would love to find love one day. Don’t we all? It’s so weird because I remember when I got to middle school, I thought, “Oh, now I can date.” Didn’t date. Then I got to high school and was like, “Oh, now maybe I’ll date.” Didn’t date. Mind you not because I didn’t want to, but because no guy really liked me. Then in college, I was like, “Oh, no, no no! Now, I can date!” Didn’t date. Pandemic. No social life. And it hurt a lot the past few years, but I’m at a place where it’s okay because I know I wasn’t ready to date any of those years before because I was surviving and wasn’t living for myself. These past few years, dark as they were, I felt like this was the most time I’ve spent with myself that I’m at a place where it’s okay if I haven’t dated. It’s okay if you haven’t dated. It’s okay if you’re 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 and so on and whatever if you haven’t dated anyone or aren’t in a relationship. You are not behind. You will find someone some day, but in the mean time, live for you. Find out what you like. Do things for you. Enjoy your you time. Live it up!!! Have fun (safely)!

Maybe it’s because I haven’t been near a male species in forever, but I just don’t mind it anymore because I’m using this time to heal and focus on myself after all the years I felt like I wasn’t taking care of me. I’m happy for my friends who are dating. Is it hard sometimes to see all these happy couples on social media? Sure. But that doesn’t mean they’re always happy or perfect, and it doesn’t mean I’m sad about it. It just means I hope to find the right person one day but my friends happiness doesn’t take away from my own. I’m moving on and letting go to all the crushes or ideas I had for romance because I really don’t know. I do know is that it’s going to work out as it should be and it’ll be okay.

Take it day by day.

And that’s not to say I’m letting go everything, some of these things are just things I’m putting a pause on for now, but will hopefully find again one day. Because sometimes we have all these expectations and it sucks the those expectations are never lived up to. I’m not saying don’t set expectations or have high hopes, but to know that it’s okay if your plans don’t work out because maybe things are going to work out in a way you never knew you needed. Maybe things will get better in a way you never thought possible, but was just as magical and beautiful as what you dreamed. Maybe. I don’t know. But I hope.

Here’s to 2022 and not really knowing and letting go of all these expectations I had at 18. The world, my life, and I was different then. I’m leaning it’s okay to still have hopes, but to have new hopes to.

Here’s to hoping for a better year and good health, love, and discovery.

Happy new year to you all 💗

And as always, with love,