December 2020 Quote: Everything I Have
“I thought 2020 would be the year I got everything I wanted. Now I know 2020 is the year I appreciate everything I have.”
– Anonymous
Dear 2020,
Boy were you a mess. You caused a lot of heartache. You caused a lot of pain. You caused a lot of sickness. You caused a lot of insecurity. You caused a lot of challenges. You caused a lot of stress. You caused a lot of strife. You caused a lot of mental spirals. You caused a lot of things we never knew were going to happen.
And it has been insightful, but it has also been painful.
At the very end of last year, I distinctly remember I stood outside my window as the clock hit 12:00 and the date on my home screen changed from December 31, 2019 to January 1, 2019. Fireworks bursted in the black sky in showers of green, blue, red, and yellow. The remains of light cascaded down like diaphanous jewels from a chandelier. I rested both my hands on my white windowsill, eyes reflecting the shimmers, chanting into the night sky, “This is going to be the best year yet.” (Heck, I have a whole January 2020 blog post called that too 😂). But I remember being very sentimental about a new year, a new decade, and I was so sure in my heart that this was going to be a better year.
I was so sure this was going to be the year where I liked dorming at my university. This was going to be the year I put myself out there and made real relationships with friends who cared about me. This was going to be the year where I checked in on my longtime friends and made time for them. This was the year I was going to grow my blog and finish my book draft. This was the year I was going to get into the college of education to further my studies to become an elementary teacher. This was the year I was going to be happy and love who I was.
I was soooo ready to thrive and do it all—-to have it all.
And in the back of my mind I knew in China people were starting to get sick. There was a virus. But I didn’t think anything of it because you know as people if it doesn’t affect us, we tend to not care. And that’s wrong of us, and wrong of me to do. But I worried about it because of how fast the virus was spreading.
Then came January, I went back to my dorms—-an empty room with my pink filly bed spread, fake flowers hanging on the wall amid the rows of photos of home. My wooden desk sat by the window with my pencil bucket and my golden lamp in each corner. My three desk drawers for notebooks, supplies, and chargers. And my side of the room had more drawers where I stored food. I had a closet with a curtain rod and a white shower curtain with gold triangles I got from Target and inside was my pink closet organizer cubes, my cat laundry basket, my purple Shark vacuum, my pink shower lady, my orange bag I always brought with me to the bathroom filled with soap, lotion, and toilet paper. Everything was the same. But everything was different.
I remember the first day of going back from Winter break. That literally feels like a different lifetime rather than this year. But it was this year. I was so nervous because this was the first semester I did not have classes with any of the fiends I made in other semesters. It was the first semester I had to make friends on my own—-to start all over again. I went to my American Studies class, which was a gray room on the third floor. The floors were a nasty gray color and it had those singular wooden desks every old school college movie showed. Students were packed to the brim because all college students show up on the first day and slowly trickle out after they realize they do not need to be there. I remember walking down that crowded hallway and saw a girl with black glasses and fluffy black hair. She looked like me—-someone nice and maybe a bit shy. I didn’t know. But I asked her, “Are you here for American Studies?” And she said yes. We sat next to each other that day, and my heart lifted, thinking I had made a new friend—that I had set out what I hoped to do. I do not recall her name now, which is a real bummer because she was so nice. And we never sat next each other after that because you know, she stopped going to class, or at least coming early for that part. But I always sat in the same row towards the middle and the back, so not too up close, but not too far either, hoping she would sit next to me, but she never did. But I met other people who sat next to me. There was this girl with her VSCO girl backpack, her Starbucks cup, her black and blond ombre hair and her little notebook she would take notes in. And then one day I sat down next to this boy. He was reading anime on his laptop in a red rain jacket, jeans, and black shirt. I thought to myself, “He reminds me of every guy I met in high school.” So I didn’t talk to him.
I didn’t want to talk to him. Rude of me, I know. 😅
But of course, this was the day, the teacher wanted us to discuss with each other, and so we had to turn to the person next to us, and the girl with the ombre hair was already talking to someone else, so I had to talk to him. And I realized, he wasn’t that bad of a person. He was actually very nice and we had a lot in common in how he lived in the town I was from, and he actually knew people I knew because he was also in the band. I think he played the trombone or the drums, gosh knows I can’t remember because it’s been a hectic year. But he said he went to school at the elementary school near our university and not from where we’re from, so that’s why I didn’t know him because gosh darn I would have if he went to my high school. But everyday after that day, he sat next to me. And everyday he said hi when he sat down and tried to chat to me about the weather or if I did an assignment—you know the casual conversations. I remember vividly there was one day it was pouring rain outside and I wanted to be the brightest little ball of sunshine, so I wore navy blue paperbag pants, a yellow tank top with blue floral accents, a yellow raincoat so bright it matches the guy on the fish stick bag, and bright yellow rainbows to match my coat. And I STRUTTED to class, feeling like a confident queen. And then I sat down and this boy wanted to ask me about the weather 😂. I’m sorry, was it not raining! 😆 And truthfully I was SOOOOOOOO tired of talking about the weather at this point, I was kind of snappy and closed off that day. YIKES! Truthfully, I didn’t know, but I was getting my period, and he did not deserve my stand offishness that day. And then after that he kind of backed off from trying to strike up conversations with me even though he would say bye to me each class, which was nice. But he really did not need to and I don’t know why he did. But I also remember the day I walked out of class, and someone’s papers were flying all over the courtyard and I bent down in my skirt and helped the girl pick up her papers and hand them to her. And this boy did the same thing. I don’t know if he was being genuine or he was copying me, but gosh knows that was an interesting dynamic that I really do not know what that would have turned into if the rest of the semester stayed in person.
I hope he’s doing well.
But on my first day of school, I had one class I went to, and I sat across from someone who looked like the doppelgänger of this really nice girl I went to school with—this girl had massive positive energy. So I couldn’t help but STARE at this girl, and I swear she thought I was weird. But I sat diagonal from her because I was like, she looks nice (aka she looks like someone I know) 😂. It wasn’t the person I knew. Then the teacher told us to talk to each other because the room was so gosh darn quiet, so we did. And when we were talking to each other, the guy behind me starts moaning. He starts making this loud moaning noises as the teacher was turning on the projector and the room started to get loud. I’m an education major, so I learned that sometimes people on the spectrum who live with autism they may make sounds when they feel overwhelmed in a situation or there are too many stimulus. Some people are sensitive to sound or light. So we all thought the moaning was because of the noise or the light in the room, but then the guy started to foam at the mouth, and he started to shake. His head started to lean backward.
I got up. Everyone got up. The teacher started to head towards him as the guy hit the ground. Blood gushed from his forehead as his eyes sort of rolled back, but I wouldn’t know because I couldn’t’ look. I was focused on my shaking, white fingers and my cold, racing heart. People were saying to move the desks and the chairs so he wouldn’t get hurt. People were taking off their jackets to give the guy a cushion for his head. Someone called 911 and campus security. Another person kept time. And I had to get out of the room because I could feel myself shaking in cold and I could not feel anything by my heart feeling trapped and helpless to helping someone. I went outside with the girl who called 911 until campus security or a medic came.
And we were all shaken up by the situation, but class went on. But we couldn’t’ focus. I am glad that guy was okay and I hope he too is doing okay. But that was the first time I witnessed a situation like that, and there is no way to say how that experience feels like. And during this time, Lauradiy’s anxiety video came out and I remember thinking after the situation was how she felt and how I could understand what she felt in some way.
It was definitely a first day.
After class that day, I walked back to my dorm with that girl who looked like my friend, but wasn’t my friend and we talked about how crazy our day had been. We talked about what we were studying, what classes we were taking, where we were dorming, and how old we were. She was older than me, but she didn’t look like she was, so I was surprised. When we got to my dorm, I remember she hugged me and waved goodbye. As I walked up the doors to my dorm, I remember smiling to myself thinking I made a friend.
In that class, I made a whole group of friends with a girl named Kylie, Jessica, and Jayven. Such great people.
I also had ballet again that day and because I took ballet the last semester, I felt confident as a dancer this semester. I was used as a helper on the barre where I was placed in the front of the bar for people to watch. And I felt comfortable doing the motions because I knew what they were compared to everyone else. Not to say I liked having an advantage in already having taken the class, but I don’t know there was just something about practicing ballet the second time around that made me feel more assured. And I loved it. I miss being able to dance with other students and gosh knows I fell out of practice since March, but I miss dance and I miss ballet.
I also took a fashion class—-culture and appearance—–where we would talk about fashion trends, controversies, and styles with the different time periods. Honestly, one of my favorite classes because it was so interesting to learn more about different fashion trends across the world and how trends come back around. I also like learning about the meaning behind clothes and fashion and what it expresses. I would definitely want to take another fashion class and I highly recommend it if you like fashion! 💕
So there I was thriving in school—in person. Each day more news about the virus came out. First it hit the mainland and then hit other parts of the U.S. and then it made its way over to where I lived. And before spring break, I remember all my professors saying how we might not come back after spring break and how we were not sure how long this would last. So I cherished my last day in fashion class where we had a discussion with each other, but only like ten or so people showed up to class. I cherished my last education class where we took a test, but I did not even think at the moment that that would be our last in-person class. I valued my last ballet class that wasn’t even with our real instructor because they were testing other instructors for the position next year. And I appreciated my absolute last class in person—-my American Studies discussion class. It was on March 13, 2020 and hardly anyone showed up but I remember that was the last time I was actually in a room with people other than my family. I remember we had a nice discussion from one of the presentations a group did. Our group was called Mainlanders plus two because two of us were from where we live and others were from the Mainland 😂. Our group hadn’t done our presentation yet, so I went up to one of my group members and asked her for her number just in case we didn’t see each other again by the time we had our presentation due. And that was the last interaction I remember I had with a friend.
Then everything switched online.
I had to learn by myself.
I couldn’t see my teachers.
I couldn’t’ see my friends.
I only had one online class for my educational psychology class where I formed more relationships with my peers than we did in the classroom, but I missed being in the classroom with my friends. It was then I realized that I didn’t hate school, I didn’t like dorming. I liked school. I liked being in a classroom and learning with others. I never had a problem with that.
And I missed it.
Each day I couldn’t help but think of what it would have been like to learn about fashion in person with my teacher, the discussions we would have had. I couldn’t help but wonder if the boy I sat next to and I would ever had been friends again. I constantly thought about how I missed moving in real dance studio with my ballet teacher and peers. I missed . . . dare I say it . . . dorming. Yes. I missed forming because when I was home all the time I suddenly had to readjust to what it meant to live with people and to lose some of that independence.
I spent TWO YEARS practically alone. Talking to no one in the dorms. Doing homework all the time. Always working out or going to the gym. I had a schedule. And now I had a full house and absoulety no idea what I was doing anymore.
I was angry.
I was frustrated.
I was depressed.
I cried week after week, wondering when things would get better, wondering when things would be normal. I constantly checked news outlet after news outlet as if I refreshed the screen, suddenly a vaccine would appear. I checked numbers each day. A steady increase.
I cried more.
I got irritated easily if people were up in my space or kept talking to me. I was so angry at everyone because I felt angry at the world. I didn’t like people talking reassurances when it didn’t feel like it. I didn’t like feeling I had no independence or freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted as I wanted and who I wanted to with. I felt like I was back to being 16, at home, always depending on others to make me happy or to be my source of comfort. But it took me TWO YEARS to finally feel comfortable with dorming, and somewhat happy with. It was this year (earlier this year) I finally started to accept it. And then it was taken away from me and I had to adjust to a whole new normal.
We all had.
May came around and I had to move out my dorm. I hadn’t been back to my dorm since March. That was the first time I left my house since March. That was the first time I had to wear a mask.
It was uncomfortable. I walked down from my dad’s car with garnering gloves, GARDENING GLOVES on my hands because I was terrified to touch anything. When I got to the step of the dorm building, it felt eerie. It was so quiet. It was so barren. All you could hear was the wind and the trees shake. I opened the door, and all you could hear was the echo of the door creaking open. The common door was shut tight and dark. There was no furniture in the main entryway, only a hand sanitizing station. The walls were lifeless. My feet rang as I walked up the stairs. It felt abandoned. I walked to my floor and what used to be so colorful with posters and a huge flower and welcoming sign, was a white wall. A white wall with posters saying to wash your hands and social distance. There was no couch in the living area. No cubbies. It was just white dirty tiles. The hallway felt stripped too. Signs on doors were gone. The Christmas decorations were gone.
And soon too I would leave the dorms. When I entered my room, everything was the same as I left it two months ago.
But everything was different.
It’s crazy how somethings take you back in time to a place when everything around it seem so different.
I moved out the dorms that day. It was not the way I thought I would be leaving the dorms. It was bittersweet to take down my pictures, my curtains, my flowers, and clean out my drawers. It was bittersweet to see the room so empty when all my things were packed away, ready to be taken back home with me.
It was not the way I thought my school year would go.
Not at all.
Because I thought I had more time to enjoy being independent and to feel comfortable as my own.
That last day I cleaned up my dorm, I visited a friend and gave her cookies because I knew she was in the dorms all by herself and how sad was it that she couldn’t go home to be with her family just yet. That was a good day because it made her day. That was the last time I saw the friend I made this very year.
Then came summer and all I did was stay home as I should. I read, I watched some movies, not a lot, I ate, and I exercised. And if I’m being honest, I can’t really tell you what I did exactly from May to August because it was a blur of the same thing I think. I had a messed up sleep schedule where I couldn’t sleep until really late. I woke up later. I did not read as much as I think I could have because I woke up later. I did not watch as much movies or shows as I would have liked because there was no time. I wrote a lot—edited a book draft. But other than that, I did nothing.
In June, that was the first time I left my house and went to Target. I needed pads so don’t come for me 😂. And it was the most bizarre, uncomfortable, surreal feeling. It had been the first time I had been in a car in months. I walked down with my mask on to Target and when I stepped through those sliding doors and the AC rushed to greet me, I was still. I looked around me at how there was tape on the ground. Everyone wearing masks like this was a crazy pandemic movie. Everyone was spread so far a part from each other and no one dared look at each other. It was eerily quiet, and no sound came from overhead. All you could hear was the rolling squeak of the carts and the shuffle of feet. I was so nervous to touch anything that I just stared at pretty much everything until I told myself, “No, I need to touch something to grab it and put it in the cart.” But even then, my thoughts spiraled in thinking, “Does this have germs?” or “What if this has germs?” I could not stop my thoughts.
Everything looked the same. But everything was different.
Everything felt different.
I have never been to a restaurant since March.
I have seen friends sporadically, but never enough to say we hung out.
I have been doing virtual schooling online since August and this week is my last week of school (December 10, 2020), and I cannot express how LONG this semester has felt. August feels like ten years ago. I have cried more tears of stress and heartache and loneliness in that time. I have had sorrowful thoughts of not getting the same experience of field in the classroom that I looked forward to ever since I was a freshman in college back in 2018. Now I do virtual field where I observe a class. I have been observing a kindergarten class ever since September.
The essence of school was the same. But everything was different.
So this long recount of my year, has a point. Yes, it does.
Everything looked the same on the outside, but it changed on the inside to what it meant.
And I thought this year was going to be “the best year yet,” or “our year” to set out and do all these things and to thrive. Gosh knows, that’s not what happened.
What happened is we lived through a pandemic. As of today, 271 days we have been quarantining or living with this virus. Each day things escalated and changed with losing a beloved basketball player and his beautiful daughter, the pandemic, the bee/hornet scare, the Black Lives Matter movement coming to greater light, losing an amazing actress and mother and compassionate and inspirational actor, losing a woman who fought for other woman, and the election. This year has changed everything.
And I never thought it would.
This year wasn’t what I thought it would be and it wasn’t exactly what we wanted, but as I talked about it a previous poetry quote, maybe this year was a year so uncomfortable it forced us to grow. It forced us to slow down and appreciate what matters and what will matter.
It made me realize how I am thankful to just have a house to feel safe in and a bed to sleep in. It made me grateful I have people in my life who will support me and who will be by my side. I had people reach out to me during this time when our family lost my grandma this year, friends I didn’t realize who still cared about me given things we’ve been through, but those friends, those friends are the ones I feel are real. Those are the friends I want to invest my time and care in because they care about me and we should not be exerting all this effort and care trying to get others to like us or care for us when they don’t. We have to let them go because that’s not healthy for us.
It made me realize iI am grateful for the food on my table. I know this year has challenged people financially and this isn’t me trying to brag I have food on the table, but I think as someone who is privileged to have a roof over my head and food on the table, I always said I was grateful for those things, but this year I genuinely mean that. I am grateful to be home with my family even thought they will annoy me at some points 😅. Because those are the people I see and talk to everyday, and sometimes we run out of things to say to each other, but we still love each other and still find dumb things to talk about like why did the chicken cross the road or the cow say moo 😂. But I have a family, and not everyone has that, or not everyone has a supportive family. And if you do not, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. But I want you to know family is not the people you are born in and have to love, it’s the people you chose to love. I am lucky I could easily chose to love my family, but I encourage you to find people who support you, who show up for you, and who listen to you, and chose them. They are your family. I guarantee you are not alone 💕.
I am grateful for my education. It was not what I hoped for, it was not what I wanted, but I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful I do not have to drive here and there to get to classes or that I can wake up a little bit before class and then log on. I am thankful for my peers who have been such a light to me during this time. I see the same group of 15 amazing, wonderful, kind-hearted gals and I haven’t met the majority of them, but it’s weird that I feel such a special appreciation and connection with them. I am grateful for my co-teacher friend who I don’t know who I would be without when it comes to planning lessons or talking about our art teacher on the side 😂. I can’t express how appreciative I am for my mentor teachers in how they taught me to teach with your heart and to make learning fun. This year has undoubtedly caused teachers PRIME TIME stress, exhaustion, defeat, and burn-out. And my mentor teacher has felt the same. But I say, this year has made teachers stronger, unbreakable, resilient, persistent, creative, and adaptable. I mean, they took a whole school year of teaching online in such a short amount of time! And some teachers did not even know how to use technology and had to learn. No teachers were trained for this situation and I just do not like it when parents or others rage on teachers because you know what? TEACHERS ARE DOING THE FREAKING BEST THEY CAN AND I AM SOOOOOOO SORRY THAT YOU FEEL THE NEED TO RAGE ON THEM BECAUSE YOUR CHILD IS NOT GETTING THE EDUCATION YOU THINK HE/SHE DESERVES WHEN TEACHERS HAD TO FIGURE IT OUT FROM SCRATCH. SO UNLESS YOU WANT TO TRY, DO NOT COMPLAIN. Sorry for the yelling, but DO NOT rage on your teachers. They are doing the best they can. They work longer hours than you think. They work from when the sun starts to rise to the 12:00 am stamp of the next day. They have to spend countless hours planning lessons, how to engage students to learn, how to manage the classroom, how to foster discussions, create their PowerPoint slides, create their lesson worksheets, and all these other clerical duties that people do not understand. They have to go to IEP meetings, they have to go to school meetings, now more than ever they are talking to parents more often. They are having more student conferences than often. They are working their butts off more than usual to help students. So show them love. Show them grace. Show them kindness. And show them gratitude. Because if you work a corporate job or any other job, I can tell you, your work has not changed as much as teacher’s work has changed. You probably just had to adjust to working from home, or at most wearing a mask or gloves at work or standing on the other side of a plexiglass wall. But you did not have to switch to teaching 30 to 100+ students—-students who are going to be the future—-online. You did not (unless you are an educator, of course). You did not stress over how to use technology to teach or reach students.
So next time you think, “Man, my child’s education sucks,” or “My teacher’s suck,” think about all they are doing behind the scenes each and every waking minute for you and your child. They are people. They have lives . . . well they try to. But teaching becomes a lifestyle. And they need breaks as much as the next person, but sometimes they do not allow themselves the because they want to work to be the best they can be for their students—your students.
So I say all of this as someone who has interviewed and been around (not physically) many teachers. They are EXHAUSTED. They are BURNT OUT. Just be appreciative for all they have been doing.
But one thing I realized I’m also appreciative of is learning how to teach in class and virtually. I do not know when we will be able to teach in person. I used to think that was what education was—–standing in from of the classroom, with a pointer stick and my Expo markers, teaching. But it changed overnight. It is now teaching online and using Seesaw, Epic books, Flipgrid, Loom, and all these other things I had no idea existed. I am amazed at how teachers did this and learned all of it just this year, and how they continue to learn. They are truly spectacular 💕. Because of this, I have also been learning how to use these platforms, and this will benefit me in the future if we ever have to do virtual learning again (which I hope it does not) or if it continues. Not a lot of teachers were trained for virtual learning or even knew it would become a full thing, so as someone working towards becoming a teacher, I am lucky to be in a time and space where I am learning the best of both worlds.
I have also learned to be more appreciative of the little things that mean everything. I recently had my power go out and it taught me to never take electricity for granted. Everyday I drink water, I brush my teeth, and I shower. Water does no just magically come out of the tap. People clean that water, water has to be filtered, it has to rain for water to reach the aquifer and for it to be pumped. I try my best not to waste water and to never take it for granted that water will just flow from my tap. I am appreciative that I can take walks outside and that it is sunny and nice and I have people who say hi to me. I have never seen so many people outside than I have this year, and I always see the same people and they know me. It’s nice to feel connected with people even if we do not completely know each other. I am grateful for all the health care workers, grocers, and other store workers in all they do as well because gosh only knows they put they life at risk each day.
I look back at the beginning of this year as well and think how lucky am I to have met friends and to have put myself out there to try make friends. Because I am always scared to talk to people, but hey, I made friends. I am proud of myself for that. I am proud of myself for doing presentations in person when did. I am proud of myself for learning how to do Zoom University 😂. I am proud of myself for accepting online university because it was a hard pill to swallow. I am proud of myself for finding the positives with my field placement online and to have met so many lifelong friends, I hope. I am proud with how far I’ve come since March. There are still days where an ache in my chest comes and I miss my friends beyond words. I miss going to the mall and just seeing people, aimlessly walking around Target and touching things (because who knew touching things would be this scary these days), going to the gym to run on the treadmill or sit on the bike to read, walking on a physical school campus and sitting on a desk, talking to new people everyday, putting myself out there. I miss all of it and more. I haven’t been doing most of these things this year and it sucks, but I keep my head up knowing that one day, I truly hope one day we will.
And when we do, I am not going to take those moments for granted. Because life is unpredictable end dit changes. No matter how much you plan or look ahead, there will always be something that makes that plan go awry from what you thought. And it sucks because as people we like to know and we like to plan because it feels like we can control something in our lives. I like to control what I can, and I cannot contort the pandemic. I cannot control the actions of others. But I can control my reactions and what I do with those reactions. I fell hard to those reactions, but given the latter half of the year, I am finally picking myself up and moving forward. Because life goes on as much as we would like to redo 2020, but we have to make the best of it with the time we have, the situation we’re in, and the people in our lives.
Because you never know what changes.
2020 changed. And it changed me—-and hopefully us—-for the better, the stronger, and the kinder.
So I do not really have a goal or a plan for 2021. I don’t even have a planner 😂. But I do have a mindset.
Gratitude and growth
for everything you have and everything you make for yourself and others.
May you have that mindset as well.
As always, with love,
