August 2019 Quote: Feeling Worth It

I never realized my worth

Until I stepped back from people who made me feel worth

less.

– floweringpages

To all you beautiful souls,

I am lucky that I have people in my life who care about me and no matter how alone you feel in this world, I hope you know someone out there cares about you too. I care about you.

But here’s the thing, sometimes in life people grow, they change, and become a completely different person from the person you knew. I had a person in my life like that and when that friendship fell out, I always thought to myself: what went wrong? What happened?

It made me feel like how did she go from this to that and how did we go from close to distant?

Change happened.

And I never fully comprehended how change not only altered the people I knew, but the situation I was in. But I learned that the hard way.

I had this one friend who I’ll forever be thankful for meeting as an awkward middle schooler who had no idea the complications of life, but who knew all too well the stress that family could have. I was a middle schooler who was ridiculed in insecurities and wrapped around a depressing home life that I really saw no happiness for a long time. Until I met such a wonderful, golden soul in 6th grade on the first day of school when she asked me, “Is this your first day?” I said no like a idiot because of course it was my first day, it was the first day for everyone.

But we became best friends after that. We were inseparable and went and did everything together. We drew, we painted, we took silly pictures (and coming from a girl who doesn’t like having her picture taken, that spoke volumes), we grew up together. She was my best friend and I’ll always cherish the memories we had together because when I felt like life completely and utterly sucked, she showed me that I wasn’t alone.

I was lucky to have her. Sorry if I’m speaking as if she passed away (she didn’t), I’m just talking in past tense because everything we have is just that: history now.

In high school we were still friends and very close. We shared laughs and never really fought. I loved her like family. Then in junior year I went through something in my life that dampened and numbed a lot of who I was. It changed who I was. During that same year, she also went through something that changed who she was. As I was getting number, sadder, and tired, she was getting exuberant, happier, and wild. There’s nothing wrong with her being happy—I want her to be happy—it was just that at that point in time, we were at two different chapters. She was out hanging with boys and kissing and doing all these things regular high schoolers should do. I was figuring out who I was and recovering from a chapter in my life that I didn’t know how to move forward from. Because I was so distant and reserved at times, she started to drift towards my other friends.

Throw in the last year of it all where we had no classes together, there was a complete ocean between us. She was closer to this other girl now more than ever because they shared their special bond of being “off-period” people (not like period period, but no class for one period), while I had a full schedule. So I barely saw them and whenever I did, I would always feel left out because I had no idea what they were talking about, what was so funny, how their lives were going. I constantly felt like I was a shadow that walked beside them out of convenience or pity because we had all that history together. There were moments that I didn’t even feel like I was there friend because they just seemed so close and did all these things together and it just really brought me down to see how they were lightyears ahead of me on the social scale, while I was tripping and stumbling behind them because they knew who they were, but I didn’t.

I didn’t know who I was.

But I know I wasn’t happy with how I felt.

I felt like I was cast away. The whole year. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like I was tossed out the ship left to suffocate in space by myself. Even on my birthday, I felt like if they truly cared about me, they would make the effort. They did, but they had to go the extra mile to do so. And I will forever appreciate that. But no matter how cordial or nice they were to me for projects or conversation, there was always this part of me that felt, they just pity me. They just are nice to me because I “was” a friend. They didn’t actually care.

And I believed that whole-heartedly. Usually after every class, it was a tacit that we waited for each other to go to lunch or walk together, but I was forgotten even if I had the same class as them. I felt like no one cared. So what was the point if I called them to ask where they were because if they didn’t care enough to wait for me being in the same class or if they didn’t care enough to call me or tell me where they were, then why should I give two hoots as well? It took me a long time to not care because at first, I felt like a locked out puppy. Like I was sitting at the fence waiting for my owners to let me in, to talk to me, to make me feel loved and wanted, only to see that they couldn’t care less if I was left out in the rain. For so long I felt like a puppy and I didn’t want to feel like a puppy anymore. I didn’t want to be left behind, tagging along because they were the only two people who “cared” for me. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone or a responsibility. I didn’t want to be an obligation of history.

So I did what I did and I faded away from them as they did from me.

Because there comes a point in time in your life when you have to step away from people who make you feel worthless. I never did for my entire last year of high school because I didn’t know who else would want to be my friend or who cared for me. I didn’t want to be the loner in the library even though somedays I was. But to me, I’d rather have been a loner in the library than a person that hung around people who didn’t want me there; I’d rather be unloved then tolerated.

So I stepped back. I retreated. I stayed in my classroom with academy people in my school because those were the people who I loved talking to and who made me feel respected and heard. I stayed upstairs in the art room with a group of underclassmen who made me feel like I could just talk about the most randomest things because they wouldn’t judge me for it. And I loved who I was when I was with people who wanted me there and who made me feel like I mattered. I enjoyed doing the market day with them and I loved spending time with these people. I miss them everyday.

I didn’t miss how I felt with my other friends. I just didn’t feel like I mattered to my best friend from sixth grade and her other best friend.

For the longest time, I had a lot of hurt in my heart and maybe a little bit of jealously because of the way they treated me. I was jealous because they had a friendship with each other that I never had and maybe I did it to myself because I stepped back from them. At the same time I kind of also felt like since I was so close to this one person, like this other person stole my best friend from me. I wasn’t hurt because of that, but I was more sad because of what used to be.

And for the longest time I would see them post on social media how great their lives were with each other and all that. I would see the places they would go and the laughter they would have, the inside jokes I never got, and the way they always went everywhere with each other. Which I get. I just never experienced that because, again, I was at a point in my life where I just couldn’t focus on those “typical” fun things when I was at rock bottom.

So I never really got closure from this time in my life from these people. I still don’t. But it took me a while to realize that as much as I was hurt and angry at them, I also understood it. I understood that my sixth grade friend and I are at different places in life and that our values, our morals, and our personalities changed so much that we are different people. We are people that are more jaded by the world and more closed off to things. But we are people that have a shared history that we both needed at the time.

I truly believe that people come into your life for a season for a reason. She came into my life when I needed someone to show me the light. I will forever be thankful for all the memories we shared and laughter we had and for treating me with kindness even though sometimes she wouldn’t. I’m thankful that she was a part of my life and taught me that sometimes people grow a part and aren’t meant to be in each other’s lives anymore.

I used to just want the last year of high school to be over so I would never have to see both of them again. But now, I just want the best for them. No matter where they are in life and who they are, I would love to see them again. I would be nice to them and we can talk, but I don’t think we can be what we used to be. And that’s fine because we definitely aren’t.

I think that when you carry so much hurt and resentment for a long time and you make peace with it enough to just want the best for a person, that’s when you start to move on. And when I did make peace with it, I did move on. Slowly. There were some days where I would catch myself thinking about my friend and how she was doing and how she recently went through a break up. Everything in me wanted to text her to ask her if she was okay, but I didn’t feel like it was my place to when I wanted to distance myself and move on. But every part of me still cared for her and loved her. And I will still care for her and love her no matter what. So no matter how bad I felt like I was treated, I did want nothing but the best for her and for her to find love.

I just think that I’m not a part of her journey anymore. And I had to learn to be okay with that.

It’s okay to not feel okay with that. Trust me. Moving on from a friendship that wasn’t working for the best of you is okay.

I wasn’t okay for a while. But now I am and I can look back on all the laughter and happy memories we shared in middle school up until the point where we both started to change. I have the good, and I have the bad.

But I ultimately know that everything happens for a reason. And who knows, maybe we’ll be friends again one day? I don’t know.

But what I do know is that no amount of pinning for a friendship or a relationship is worth it if that person doesn’t make you feel worth it. As much as I look back on things now and have come to terms with it, in the moment I wasn’t happy and felt bad about myself constantly and it ruined my happiness for a long time. It ruined a lot of things for me mentally, physically, and emotionally. And if that friendship or relationship does that for you, maybe it’s best for you to take a step back and find a different path, one that enlightens you from the inside out and makes you feel like you are worth every piece of your fragile soul. Because trust me, you don’t deserve to be treated like a kicked out puppy or a pity person, you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and care. If someone doesn’t give you that, then you have to be the one to know when to say you’ve had enough of that.

It’s going to hurt walking away, but it’s going to help with your growth. Maybe it will also help with theirs. Maybe you two had each other for a season and for a reason. Sometimes you can make a friendship or relationship work and that’s wonderful and I encourage communication and talking through things before giving up. I think I would have communicated how I felt to my friends if I wasn’t someone who’s afraid of confrontation. I just guess I never talked to my friends because I was scared of losing them or hurting them or creating unnecessary drama. But guess what? I did lose them. And I will never know what if.

So don’t be like me and just walk away first. With anything, talk to your friends or partner about how you feel and try to make it work. And if it doesn’t and it’s still putting you in a bad place, then walking away is not the worst thing you can do. Give yourself space and give yourself time. It’s going to be okay.

If you’re meant to be together again, things will work itself out and they will come back into your life by fate and faith. So trust in it. And if not, trust in your instincts to know your worth.

You are worth diamonds, the sun, the moon, the stars, the rings on Saturn—you are worth everything and then some. Never let anyone treat you like you’re a pack of gum at 7-11, the pencil marks on a desk, ready to be whisked away, the cat on the road, or the trash in alleyway. You are not less than anything. You are worth everything.

Find people who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and communicate, then distance yourself from those who don’t treat you the best.

No more. No less.

Not for you. Because you deserve nothing but the best.

Here’s to you talking to mend things or to you walking away to find something better. Whatever it is, I hope you find the happiness and love you deserve to feel.

And as always, with love,