February 2021 Quote: Out of Love

“Are you doing what you’re doing

out of love or to be loved?”

– Arch Hades

To the romantic at heart, so it’s February. The month of romance, red hearts filled with chocolate hearts, big fuzzy bears holding hearts, balloons shaped in hearts, candy shaped in red and pink hearts, flowers galore. The season of romance. And it may (not) surprise you that I have never had a Valentine before. Am I embarrassed about that? I used to be. But now? I’m not. I’m okay.

But I guess the reason I’m talking about love today is because of what we do our of love or to be loved. When I read the quote on Instagram—-you should follow Arch Hades on Instagram, I’m a big fan of her poetry ❣️, this quote really resonated with me.

You see, I lived my life feeling like I did everything to be loved by someone—-family, friends, hopefully a special someone I could share my life with. I did a lot of things to feel loved.

I lost a massive amount of weight to be someone I was not happy to be at the end of the day just because people in my life made me feel like I had to lose weight to be loved.

I constantly conformed and chameleoned myself into who my friends wanted me to be because I knew that would be the person they would love. If I hung out with more outgoing people, I would be a bit more honest, outgoing, and bold. If I hung out with people who were kinder, who had a more positive vibe around them, I would change my demeanor to be a bit more shy, a bit more like me. And when I was around people I was comfortable with, then did I feel like I could partially be myself. But no matter who I was with, I always changed to be the person they loved.

I tried to be louder and speak up more because I was always told I was wrong for being shy or “too quiet” or that I was “too timid.”

I tried to dress like other people when I felt the most insecure in my body, but I did it because I wanted to be loved by the other people.

I changed myself twice over for people to feel one ounce of the love I had for them, so I could be loved.

And it took me a long time to realize that people who love you, genuinely love you, would not ask you, want you, or make you feel like you are not just that—-loved.

They will accept you.

They will understand you.

They will cherish you.

They will respect you.

They will love you.

And if someone makes you feel unloved, that says more about them then it does about you.

“A person in two months can make you feel what a person in two year couldn’t. Time means nothing, character does.

@teendefinition on Instagram

I also read this on Instagram 😅 and I couldn’t agree more. I have known people my whole life, and sadly, I can say I have never felt loved by some. But I have met people recently or just people along the way who I haven’t known my entire life, and yet, they were able to believe the best in me, see the best in me, and make me feel loved? And why was that?

Character matters.

It was those people that had such beautiful, wholesome, pure, and accepting characters to make me feel loved.

Two of them are teachers I have met last year. One of them was a teacher I had in 2019 for the first time, and I knew from the second I had this teacher, she was special. She was wholly understanding and compassionate to all her students and she never made you feel unheard or forgotten. She is one of my main teachers this year. And when I say I had the best conversation with her that was only 30 or so minutes, and in those 30 or so minutes, I have felt more loved, appreciated, and cared for then I have in my 20 years from other people in my life. And I’ve known this teacher for about two years. Two years.

She told me something I will never forget. She told me something I always knew, but never heard. She told me what I needed and always wanted to hear. What she told me? That’s for a different blog post 😉. But I can’t thank her enough for seeing. me and validating who I was—who I am. She told me I was awesome and how she appreciated me, and sure, she might have told everyone that, but just the fact she went out of her way to tell me, meant a lot. It takes a lot to go out of one’s way to tell people you love them or appreciate them because we either think it’s 1) weird or 2) we make excuses not to. But she told me this. And she will never understand how grateful I am for her.

The other teacher I have met also saw me for me. Calling me sensitive, patient, kind, observant, caring, and other words I can’t remember. But I know it felt like she captured who I was. Because she saw me for me. And everyone in my life has always described me in what I am not.

I am not loud.

I am not outgoing.

I do not talk a lot.

I am not skinny.

I am not as beautiful.

I am not pretty.

I am not fun.

I am not funny.

I

always

am

not.

But for once, to one,

I was caring.

I was sensitive to others.

I was compassionate.

I was creative.

I was helpful.

I was dedicated.

I was.

And when someone makes you feel like being you is something to be proud of, it makes you feel like you finally got a drop of water on your dying petals.

But, I did everything I could to be loved by people and it wasn’t enough. If I asked myself sooner if I was doing the things I did out or love or to be loved, I would have saved myself a lot of pain and sorrow. But you know, I grew a lot from that pain and sorrow. So I do not regret it, but I do think that it’s sad how sometimes the people closest to you make you feel the worst.

It’s all about character.

Don’t be the person who tells other people to change because you’re jealous of them or you feel they don’t fit a mold. Let people be who they choose to be. Let people be who they want to be. Let people find themselves. Support them on that, don’t talk down to them. Make them feel seen. Make them feel heard. Make them feel appreciated. Make them feel loved.

Because as someone who has done things to be loved, it has never made me feel loved in the end, least of all by me.

No one wants to feel like who they are is wrong. They want to fit in. They want to live their truth, and if everyone around them makes them feel bad or wrong about it, it makes their journey that much more difficult because not only are they trying to please the whole world, they are trying to figure out who they are in the mix of that. That isn’t easy. If you really want to be there for someone, understand who they are. Accept who they are. That’s all they could ever ask for.

And if you really want to be there for someone—-to make them feel loved—-do things out of love.

Doing things out of the love you have for someone is so much more meaningful that doing something because you want to feel loved. With Valentines, we get lost in the empty, frivolous gifts when really a big teddy bear that says I love you is going to mean anything in a couple of years. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Don’t give a stuffed animal or random gifts to be loved by someone, thinking that a gift will make it all better. It has to be given out of pure love. It’s kind of crazy because I remember in high school, Valentines day was a big flex 😆. What I mean by that is that if you were in a relationship, every couple tried to one-up each other with what they got their partner. So everyone came with bouquets of balloons, bouquets. And a single rose? Forget that, people would buy the whole gosh darn vase and garden! And don’t even get me started on the stuffed animals. I saw Costco sized bears—you know the 50 feet one where you could fit a family of seven into the bear body 😂 or multiple teddy bears. Or people would do this whole dance on Valentines day’s to impress their partner. It was a whole ordeal. Now were people doing that out of love? Sure. But were they doing it to be loved—-to feel like their love was real?

It was probably to flex on people, but you know . . . 😂

Do things because you love someone.

Hold open the door because you love someone.

If you want to buy a gift for someone out of love, go ahead.

Cook or bake something for someone out of love.

Go out of your way to talk to someone out of love.

Listen to someone out of love.

Be honest with someone out of love.

When it comes out of love, love is true.

But when it comes out of wanting to be loved, love is fickle.

Because let’s say you had a friend and you did something out of love because you wanted to be liked by the friend. You buy the friend flowers. You spend all this time with the friend to get the friend to care. You listen to the friend and constantly agree with the friend. Maybe the friend loves you, but deep down, the friend might not care. You are chasing the friend’s happiness without the friend caring about yours. It hurts you in the end. But when you love the friend and buy the friend gift, listen to the friend, or spend time with the friend because you love them, it is more genuine. The friend can always choose not to love you back for the wya you love them, but at least you’re not vying for that friend to want to love you back because you already love them enough to know your worth and value with them.

Do things with a pure love in your heart for the people in your life.

And don’t waste time trying to be loved—-wanting to be loved—-by people who will not love you. People who will judge you, change you, and make you feel inadequate.

You are perfect the way you are and someone/the right people will make you feel loved like that. And you can easily recuperate that love because you love them for the way they make you feel.

So next time you think of your relationship with your partner, your friends, or your family, ask yourself are you doing it our of love or to be loved? I hope it’s the former ❣️.

As always, out of love,