The Geography of Lost Things By Jessica Brody Book Review

“But that’s the thing about roads. Sometimes we choose them, and sometimes they choose us. Sometimes they bring us to unexpected destinations. Sometimes they lead us straight toward heartbreak. Sometimes we turn around, hoping to follow that same road back in time, only to find that it’s gone. Swept away by the past. And we’re left stranded.

But every once in a while, if we’re really lucky, a road can lad us straight back to where we need to go.

Straight towards the things we lost.”

(pg. 454-5)

About

Author: Jessica Brody

Genre: Young Adult Contemporary

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Synopsis

A lot can happen on the road from lost to found…

Ali Collins doesn’t have room in her life for clutter or complications. So when her estranged father passes away and leaves her his only prized possession—a 1968 Firebird convertible—Ali knows she won’t keep it. Not when it reminds her too much of all her father’s unfulfilled promises. And especially not when a buyer three hundred miles up the Pacific coast is offering enough money for the car to save her childhood home from foreclosure. There’s only one problem, though. Ali has no idea how to drive a stick shift.

But her ex-boyfriend, Nico, does.

The road trip gets off to a horrible start, filled with unexpected detours, roadblocks, and all the uncomfortable tension that comes with being trapped in a car with your ex. But when Nico starts collecting items from the quirky strangers they meet along the way, Ali starts to sense that these objects aren’t random. Somehow they seem to be leading her to an unknown truth about her father. A truth that will finally prove to Ali that some things—even broken things—are worth saving.

Review

Spoilers Contained Below

To all those lost,

I’m a sucker for a good romance, road-trip book because there’s something so poignant about going on a road trip to discover something about oneself.

And that is exactly what Ali does.

Ali gives me the vibes of someone who’s been through the gutter and back and has way more maturity and responsibility than someone her age should have.

First, there’s the whole issue of her mom and her being evicted from their house because the bills were hard to pay. I mean, no teenager should have to be worried about a basic need such as the security of one’s own house. But sadly, in real life a lot of kids do face that insecurity because life is hard and times are tough. So I really felt for Ali because she had this whole weight on her chest from wanting to keep the house.

Second, the note comes in from her dad who passed away. I’m still not completely sure as to what she got with that envelope because I thought it would be a note saying to come find me, but it wasn’t.

Third, she got her dad’s most beloved possession: his 1968 Firebird. The car that he treated better than he ever did Ali and his mom. The car that he polished and pimped up to be in tip-top condition because that was the only thing he cared about. The car that he constantly left in whenever Ali thought he would stay.

The common screwed up factor that Ali is going through is her dad, Jackson.

Her dad is the omnipotent character that is impacting Ali in numerous ways long after he was gone. The thing was, I knew Ali had a lot of unsettled feelings surrounding her dad. Her dad was never around and she blamed him for never being the father she remembered or wanted. She had a lot of pent up anger and resentment too and it just exuded from every crevice of her.

A lot of her anger stemmed from her dad choosing to tour with Fear Epidemic, his favorite band. She was mad because he chose them over his own daughter, his own wife. As a kid, that hurts and it makes you wonder what you ever did wrong as to have your own dad leave. It also created this resentment for the Fear Epidemic because they took her dad from her

I also thought Ali was disappointed by her dad in the way that whenever her mom would cry or go through these hardships, he was never there for her the way she thought a father should be. I also think the disappointment came from him choosing a ridiculous band as opposed to his family because to her it seems like an immature thing to do.

When her dad passed away, but for her it didn’t mean much in comparison to other people who might have lost their dad because she had no connection with him whatsoever. I found that really sad because I could also tell as much as she was angry at Jackson for never being the strong father figure, she also wanted to love and forgive him. As people, I think it’s natural to be angry and hurt by the people you feel should have loved or cared for you the most. I know I relate to that a lot. And it hurts because, well, they were supposed to love and care for you, so when they didn’t, it felt like you were the thing that was wrong because they couldn’t love or care for you. For Ali, I also felt that sense of, “Why was I not good enough for him to be better?” But it was never her fault.

Parents are just grown-up kids. When they do something that takes away that romanticized, pedestal image of them, it’s honestly one of the saddest truths a person can discover. We think parents have it all figured out and that they know everything, but sometimes they don’t. They’re still trying to figure things out for themselves. They had a life before having kids. We just forget that because we see parents as authority figures. Jackson reminded me a lot of a man-child because he was so up and off with responsibilities. He was also very irresponsible in situations.

Ali had a lot of fond, good memories of who Jackson was and I liked that she held onto those memories because it gave her a reason to not truly hate him. I really enjoyed how Jessica Brody paralleled the story in this way with having flashback memories and current memories tied to what was going on. It really put things into context as to why Ali felt the way she did. The one story that stood out to me the most was when Jackson took Ali to the bar or the karaoke place where Fear Epidemic was playing.

The dad’s un-goshly obsession.

They were like the One Direction for the dad 😂

I can understand a good, healthy love for a band *cough cough One Direction cough* but taking a seven-year old to a bar to hear the screeching sounds was highly inappropriate. Jackson could have his love for Fear Epidemic because, hey, if that was his thing then that was his thing, but leave your daughter out of it. At that moment though, Ali knew how much the band meant to the dad and she knew if she didn’t react in the way Jackson wanted, it would hurt their relationship. I think that’s a lot of pressure to put on a seven-year old to love such a band. Or how Ali was so in-tune with her dad as to think this. She also saw these stolen moments with her dad as a good way to bond because he was so up-in-the-air. So she would try to enjoy these events as best as she could, but I knew she didn’t enjoy it—-just the company. That night, her dad was so drunk or something that even the waitress told her not to go home with him. Then the mom found out about Jackson taking Ali to the bar and the mom blew up at him, rightfully so. I mean, did Jackson really need to get drunk while he was at it? Yea, kind of irresponsible.

There were also the stolen moments she had where she remembered going out with him to get ice cream. I thought those moments were sweet because it linked her dad to something good. I loved the time when the dad taught Ali how to play “chess,” but really he created his own rules that were more fun. It was a cute way to bond with her and create something that was solely theirs. It was kind of sad though, when she actually tried to join the chess team and she looked like a weirdo for not knowing how to actually play chess. But Jackson and her version were much more fun.

But Ali also picked up on the more significant moments like when she found her dad’s getaway stash of money. I feel like her money insecurity issues started there because money was tight for her family growing up, but to know her dad had all this cash in his car for when he escaped, had to hit differently. As a kid, that had to suck to know your own dad had all this money to leave one day because that instigates that he would leave one day—–that he was prepared for it. All Ali wanted was for her dad to be better as to stay. But he never did.

Sometimes he would come back, sometimes he would go. Ali was bothered by her dad passing even if she didn’t show it.

She was more confused as to why she got his car. To her, I think it meant a lot that he would pass on something he loved to someone he loved, but she also saw the car as a burden because it was what literally drove her dad away all the time. So I could understand why she hated the car.

Thinking the car was an authentic 1968 Firebird, she thought she could sell it to save her house.

The thing was, I wondered why she wanted to save that old house of bad memories. Wouldn’t she have wanted to have moved to a better house to start fresh? But her saving the house was holding onto the last piece of her dad, no matter how much she claimed she didn’t like him. That house was also tied to big moments in her life and I feel like with so many things in her life already changing, she wanted one thing that was familiar. And I get that. That was her home and she wanted to save it. I respect that too.

Something about Ali that was also interesting was her need for pop quizzes. I’m a sucker for a Buzzfeed quiz! 😆 You can’t tell me that you aren’t! Another thing Jessica Brody did that I enjoyed was the use of the quiz bubbles with the multiple choice answers. It really gave you an inside look at what went on in Ali’s head. Her pop quizzes to me highlighted Ali’s need for order and to understand things simply. If she had options set out for her, it was easier than not having all this free-reign of things that were uncertain. If she was also put in a box to label who she was or who others were, it helped her understand the situation better to have more control. This goes back to that idea that I think Ali didn’t want things to be complicated in this way.

But back to the car. She was so quick to sell it without thought that it was really disheartening. When you have something from a loved one who passed away, oftentimes we keep those items for sentimental purposes. Not Ali, she wanted to say good riddance and hasta la vista. This is a common thing Ali does that emphasizes one of the main implications that Jackson had on her: her need to push everything and everyone she cared about away so they didn’t have the power to hurt her.

“I might have disappeared, but I came back. Don’t forget, you’re the one who left that night. You’re the one who threw us away. Just like you throw everything away. Because nothing is sacred to you. As soon as something lets you down, you simply write it off and toss it in the trash.”

. . . “I don’t throw everything away.”

“No,” he agrees. “Just the things that matter. Just the things that could possibly love you back.”

(pg. 386)

In the beginning of the book, Ali was with her friend and her friend gave her a scrapbook of all their high school memories and she told Ali not to throw it away. When Ali and Nico broke up, she threw away the bird house he made her.

The ones closest to Ali knew her better than she knew herself. Her best friend humorously told her not to throw away the scrapbook because she knew Ali would when she went on her “cleanses.” And Nico knew Ali threw away his bird house because that’s what Ali does. She gets rid of things from people who disappoint her, so it doesn’t remind her of that person and that bad memory. And when or if that person tries to come back into her life, she’s skeptical because she’s been hurt before by people like Jackson who was her greatest disappointment. From him she learned to be on guard with her heart because she felt like people would always leave her. I feel like Ali saw love as something to be earned and if you broke that, there was no forgiving that. I understand that sentiment because it’s hard to trust someone when they break that, so it’s easier to push them away and not get hurt again. But when a person pushes everything and everyone away because he/she is so scared of being hurt, that person isolates him/herself so much as to never be open to love. And I don’t think anyone should be so lonely as to never let love in that way.

But I don’t blame Jackson for making Ali who she was, I just think Ali had a lot to work through with this and that’s why this journey was so therapeutic and cathartic to her.

Naturally, Ali had to take Nico, her mysterious ex, on this road trip to sell the car because she didn’t know how to drive a stick shift. That had to suck. I wouldn’t have been able to last in a car ride with an ex 😅 I felt for her. But Nico wasn’t so bad, you know. He really had Ali’s best intentions at heart and I loved that he wanted to prove himself to her again—-earn that trust back.

Nico could have his whole other book and I would be here for it. There are so many things about Nico that can be explored from his backstory and his family. He has just as much a complicated family relationship/history as Ali. I kept wondering what his whole story was because Ali had no idea who he was. Nico was relatively new to town and all anyone knew about him was that he came from Reno and lived in a small house. When Ali and him dated, he never let Ali come to his house, always making excuses. Obviously, he was hiding something. My guess was that he secretly lived alone in that house because he either didn’t have a family and was roughing it up there and didn’t want her to know. Or that he was living there by himself because he was poor, but still trying to make ends meet for himself.

I don’t know, but to me it would explain why he knew about this whole Craigslist barter thing. It’s crazy the number of things people sell or do on Craigslist. Like my GOSH, I never knew people used Craigslist so much! I mean, in What If It’s Us by Becky Alberti and Adam Silvera Craigslist has a whole lost connections page so you can find someone you met and fell in love with. I know you can sell cars and beds on Craigslist. But bartering? Nope, never heard of her on Craigslist. It’s amazing. Books should just sponsor Craigslist 😂 Aside from my amazement at Craigslist, I thought it was interesting that this strategy actually worked with people trading different things. It’s also cool how a hairband translated into a phone, which eventually paved the way for other objects on their whole journey.

Their whole journey was actually very spontaneous and open-ended, which I LOVED. They literally went wherever Craigslist told them because Nico was trying to help generate enough money to help Ali pay back her rent. She was supposed to trade the car, but the car was a fake version of a 1968 Firebird, so Ali couldn’t get a lot of money for it. In that moment, my heart kind of ticked for Ali, because DARN! Her problems could have been resolved if her dad left her something authentic. Figures.

But even in that moment when Ali was going to sign away the car, she couldn’t do it. I knew she couldn’t. Because as much as she disliked her dad and the car, she still loved him in some ways. And that little bit of love that shone through stopped her because she knew in her heart it wasn’t right. I’m happy she kept the car and that Nico convinced her of this whole barter thing.

To me the barter also represents the lost things as indicated with the title because they’re going on this whole journey to trade things they found and others not necessarily lost, but don’t want anymore. And when doing so, they discover much more than they set out to find. It was also a journey of Ali coming to terms with herself, with Nico, and her dad.

We all knew as they started driving around, they would eventually end up in Washington State, the last place her dad lived. I felt the book would end or at least resolve there because it would be closure for Ali.

But she had to work her way up there.

The first thing they bartered was the hair band that became the flip phone. What kind of cell phone did you have as a kid? I had the iconic pink Motorola until I lost it 😅 If not, I would have kept it as a momento. But I was a kid who didn’t know her purse had a whole in it. Darn. Anyway, the phone becomes four Beatles CDs, which then becomes a Tomato and Vine gift card. How four iconic Beatle CDs became a gift card to the book equivalent of an Olive Garden? I DON’T KNOW. Aren’t the Beatles worth more than a gift card to an Italian restaurant?

Mack Polonsky wanted the gift card. Like really wanted it. Mack’s storyline was hilarious. I don’t know about you, but I thought Mack was a boy! Serves me right for being presumptuous! Did you think Mack was a boy too? Gosh, when Ali and Nico knocked on the door and asked for Mack Polonsky and the girl at the door was like, speaking, I was cracking up 😂 Mack Polonsky, keeping us on our toes.

And then when Mack showed Ali and Nico her chess collection, their eyes boggled! I thought Mack was also talking about some internet game, who knew she played chess! We love that. But what I really liked about Mack was how Ali was able to understand where she was coming from—-being young and in love, but also hurt from a past love. It’s something I really enjoyed with everyone Ali met on this road trip actually: the fact that she could connect with them in some way. Isn’t it amazing how sometimes you might not know someone, but something can bond you and it creates such a beautiful connection? Human connection 💞

“Because I get it. Mack and I are suddenly more alike than I realized. That chess set is her equivalent of everything I threw away that reminded me of Nico. Every item I packed up in a box and drove to the dump . . . You keep the things that give you good memories. You throw away the rest.”

(pg. 206)

A very Ali mindset if you ask me. I think Ali felt that if she was taking the pirates chess set, it would be like saving Mack from that heartache she knew all too well too.

Then they met Howie and Blanche. I LOVE Blanche! Such a fun older woman. She hates that Rip Advisor 😂. Her husband is so cute to try to correct her and her old speech. Isn’t it cute when older people use old speech like “the internet” or “Fancy snaps?” Blanche owned a bed and breakfast hotel with different themed rooms and thought the pirate chess set was just perfect, so she took it off their hands. Blanche was such a sweet woman too as to offer a free stay for Ali and Nico at their bed and breakfast. Hospitality lives!

In return, Ali and Nico chose this guitar. The guitar triggered a moment for Ali when she found Jackson’s escape stash and how he used to pawn things, refurbish it, and sell it for a lot more. Actually a pretty smart idea, but keeping his seven-year old in the loop about that, not the smartest. But it’s interesting how things went full circle with her younger self figuring out that practice and to see that guitar again and what it meant on this journey where she was doing the same thing in trading.

Besides trading, the whole journey itself was such a fun ride full of angst, laughter, and definitely some tense moments.

I loved how Nico would tease Ali for her “dentist” music because it was so sweet that it would cause the teeth to fall off 😂. Better elevator music over dentist music. So they listened to a podcast the whole time. It was called Everything About Everything, and if you know me, I LIVE for podcasts. Naturally, I searched for this podcast and to save you the heartache, it’s not a podcast 🤧. It should be because the topics of conversations they would have would be super interesting. I mean, I would love to know everything about everything. Who doesn’t want to know the history of fonts or the root of swear words? I also thought it was super funny how Ali picked the most ridiculously sweet froo-froo drink for Nico because he detested those types of drinks. The first time was hilarious when he drank it and grimaced. Then it turned into a reciprocal thing where he chose Ali’s drinks. I’m not a froo-froo drinker myself, but a unicorn drink with extra sugar and sprinkles sounds a bit excessive.

The more tense moments were when Nico would get those mysterious texts from a certain girl. By no means did I ever think Nico was secretly dating someone or talking to someone. Why would a boy go on a road trip with a girl if he didn’t care or love her? He wasn’t doing it for the money and no matter how many times Ali said that to herself, I think she even knew that wasn’t true. She just didn’t want to think about the other reason because she didn’t want to love him.

They also talked about the personality quizzes and how he faked his answers with her when they first met because he wanted to impress her. He was deemed the “Fixer” and that’s how Ali always viewed Nico because he was there to fix every situation for her. Sometimes when Ali would think about Nico and say Fixer, she sounded a bit angry about it because she didn’t want him to be so “perfect” as to fix her or the situation. But the whole backstory with the original personality quiz was an Ali that was so open to love because she actually liked him. I really liked Ali because, yes, she was scared, but she wanted to take that chance with him even if their two personality types weren’t compatible. So there was a part of Ali who was spontaneous in that way.

There were also the conversations they would have about Ali getting into college, but her not sending in her application because she knew how much of a financial burden it would be for her mom based on the situation. I get it, but I still didn’t think it was right for her to give up on her dream just because she was concerned with her mom and the house. That’s not her whole issue she should be focused on, but her dreams. Heck, she even got a full scholarship, so I don’t know why she wouldn’t be open to that. What I really enjoyed though was how supportive Nico was of her dream of being a vet. It was cute how he would shout her out to different people how she was going to be a vet like he was proud of her. Ali literally saw a dog having heat stroke and she went to help the dog. Not just anyone could have seen the signs on the dog as to recognize that. At that moment, I was with Nico and wanted her to pursue her dreams because I could tell how much it meant to her.

While they were also on their journey, one of the moments I enjoyed was when they went to a public library where Ali saw this samurai sword. A man named Mr. Fujita bombed the United States and he came back with the sword as a peace offering. The reason I felt Ali was drawn to the sword was because it paralleled her dad. Mr. Fujita was Jackson who dropped a hypothetical bomb on Ali’s world and destroyed a lot of things that she should have felt—–happiness, peace, trust. The fact that Mr. Fujita tried to make things right made Ali feel like even though he did something completely terrible, he was still able to rectify that past. If Mr. Fujita could make amends and be forgiven, maybe her dad could be too. In this moment, I felt Ali’s heart sort of open up to the idea of maybe forgiving Jackson for everything he did.

“‘You’re not the first one to become emotional over Mr. Fujita’s gift. It’s definitely a true testament to the forgiving nature of the human spirit, isn’t it?'”

(pg. 271)

Such a profound thing to say. Because throughout this whole journey, you feel Ali warring with herself—–hate or love Jackson or resent or forgive him. If she had never seen that sword, she wouldn’t have thought about allowing that forgiveness to occur. And sometimes people do the most horrific, terrible thing to you and it sucks, it hurts, but people are people—–bound to screw up, make mistakes, and disappoint. Sometimes, yes, it’s not fair to forgive them for all the pain they caused, but at the same time, you have to learn to forgive if you want to move on. There’s a difference between forgiving and moving on and forgiving and accepting what happened. Accepting what happens means you allow for the same situation to occur because the person thinks it’s okay, but moving on signifies how you deserve better for yourself.

Ali needed to move on.

There was also that moment she went to the antique store and was gifted the butterfly statue made out There was also that moment when she went to the antique store and was given the butterfly statue made out of lost keys. I imagined the store as a less creepy version of the store from Toy Story 4, if you know what I mean. But I thought it was very fitting how Ali was drawn to Kunjee (the statue). Ali being drawn to the keys symbolized to me how she was on this journey to unlock something within herself and her being drawn to the statue this time around was also part of figuring out what this adventure was about.

“One of these keys will unlock what you’re looking for.”

. . . I turned back to Wes. “I’m not looking for anything.” But the words came out cracked and broken.

Once again, Wes flashes that twinkly smile of his. “Well, I know that can’t be true.” . . . “You must be looking for something,” he explains. “Or you wouldn’t be here.”

(pg. 288-9)

And it goes back to that whole idea that there was more to Ali being lost than she even knew.

“Maybe I am looking for something. Maybe I’ve been looking for something my whole life. But I’m now more certain than ever that it’s not something that can be found.”

(pg. 294)

But she knew deep down, something she was looking for was inner peace with her dad. She just never wanted to admit it to herself because that would mean actually giving Jackson the satisfaction of her love.

The typewriter they got was traded for a new tablet to this crazy author lady. At any point, I thought their Craigslist adventure would be sketchy, and maybe this lady was it, but I didn’t think so. To me, it was obvious she was a writer! Complaining about the internet and needing a typewriter? disheveled papers around her? Writing random notes on the top of her head? All checks off only writers intuition 😅

What was meaningful about the conversation with the author was her talking about starting over. The author was inquiring about Nico traveling with her and how the author felt that it was about more than just money and maybe she should give him another chance—rewrite the story.

The whole Goonies drive-in movie pit stop was a cute way to start fresh. But what I was living more for was the couple who acted like proud parents, watching Nico and Ali like they were the movie itself 😂 I would have felt highly uncomfortable though if I knew I was being watched in that way or had to act. But Ali wasn’t acting because we all knew she liked Nico deep down. I also enjoyed how they saw Blanche again when they went to go stay at her Bed and Breakfast. We love her!

But my gosh, I did not like the con artist Gabe and his mom. Who would have thought it would be the kid and the sob story to get them?! It’s always the least unexpected people. I would have been a sucker for their story too: innocent boy swindles young “couple” for game tickets in trade for his “Grandpa’s” watch he gave him before he passed away. Then the mom comes and scolds him to get the watch back, all the while the little sucker switches the tickets in the envelope and takes it. So then the mom and him get the tickets, the watch, and the RV.

WHAT SCHEMERS! My gosh! I would have ran after them or something. I felt absolutely TERRIBLE for Ali and Nico. Here they were thriving off of their trades and a pair of con artists took their last means of surviving. They have absolutely no shame. I expect better from people.

Things were at an all time low, so I expected no less when Ali and Nico had a big blowout fight where they yelled at each other saying the most vulnerable things about how they really feel. It’s always the case with these types of fights, am I right?

But I am here for a big blow up confrontation because something needed to be said.

The thing with Ali and Nico was that they had such a cute relationship from the glimpses we saw. The whole time, Ali alludes to this big moment where Nico did something terrible, but we don’t really know what exactly he did. So everything seemed good between them. The way they met was very innocent and simple with him seeing her in her car and then them talking to each other on the road. They took personality quizzes together and he flirted like no other. I thought it was really cute the way he was there for her during a storm and they slept with all the dogs at the dog hotel she worked out. Now a guy doesn’t just stay overnight with a dozen dogs just because he wants to get into your pants. No, he liked her for waaaaay more than that. He had some class. But the real cute moment was when he gave her the bird house and he said he loved her. At that moment I thought Ali was scared because she never had a man love her in such a way or she never saw that modeled. So she was very reluctant to be told those three words because she knew that they didn’t mean anything—–not when her dad would say the same thing and just leave. She was an action person and needed to see a person show their love rather than say it. I understand this sentiment, more so coming from her, but I do think actions speak louder than words because a person can say all the things they want, but if they never act on it (good actions, though) it makes their words very empty.

What made Ali so distrustful of Nico was that Nico was supposed to pick her up, but he never came. So Ali went all over town to look for him and then she eventually found him back at her house. First, I thought he was pretty dumb to lie to her about being at the coffee shop when he wasn’t because she checked there. I mean, if you’re going to lie, don’t say you were at the one place that someone could easily go to to see that you were actually there. Second, she saw the bundle of cash in his car. What and I-D-I-O-T!

There’s so many things wrong with this situation.

Growing up, Ali knew first hand the implications of a dad who always left, so she didn’t want to be put in the same situation her mom was ever in in having the same sort of toxic relationship where she would let a man into her life, lie, and leave her. She wanted to be better than her mom and the situation she knew all too well. I don’t blame Ali for reading the red flags and getting the heck out of there because she didn’t want to be put through the hardships her mom went through. Heck, I respect Ali for doing so.

I also thought that for Ali, she believed Nico to be Jackson. I mean, the money was staring right back in her face and the lies were spewing right out of his mouth. And Ali had been disappointed by Jackson too many times and she knew eventually if she kept things up with Nico, one day he would leave her like Jackson left her and her mom. One day Nico would not choose her. And it’s hard because that made her close off to him and to love. But I also get it because if she grew up seeing that with her own parent’s, of course, she wouldn’t want that for herself. She knew better. The whole road trip though, I felt Nico was trying to earn back Ali’s trust and if I was Ali, he would have. He always tried to make things better and prove to her that he cared, but once he broke that trust, I felt like Ali didn’t want to ever forgive because of Jackson who constantly did the same thing to her.

“Why not, Ali? Why can’t I make it right? Because I’ll leave again? Because eventually I’ll walk out on you, just like Jackson did? . . . You know, when we were together, sometimes I felt like you were just waiting for me to screw up. Every day, I felt like I was on trial, but I didn’t know what the crime was. And then when I did screw up—-when I let you down once—-that was it. You jumped ship. You walked out on us. You left me out there in the rain. And I could never figure out why. But now I know. It was never because of me. It was because of him. . . Don’t forget you’re the one who left that night. You’re the one who threw us away.”

(pg. 386)

I MEAN POP OFF NICO!!! 👏🏼👏🏼

He’s absolutely not wrong. He’s such an intuitive guy to pick up on these things though, because gosh gracious there are some guys who literally can’t take a hint, but here we have psychologist Dr.Nico psychoanalyzing Ali and her actions 😅 But she left him that night of the comet that they were going to watch. He did one thing and I get how one thing can be just enough to the right person, but she never gave him a chance to explain himself. It was because Ali was scared and angry. She did not want to date her father. And when Nico said it was never because of him, but of Jackson, I completely felt that. Everything in Ali’s life has been about Jackson and his impact on her. And as much as she never wanted to say it, she cared because a person doesn’t just think about a person for nothing.

But when Nico screamed, “I AM NOT JACKSON!” I wanted him to go to the top of the Empire State Building and scream it to the world! 😆

My gosh, but when Ali took off in the Firebird, I was shaking my head. Ali left him that night in the rain and left him again in the middle of nowhere because she wanted to run from the truth of her feelings and her past.

There’s this saying that you should be 100% you before being in a relationship because you can’t take from someone else’s glass, or something like that. I felt like Ali wasn’t a 100% her and that’s why the relationship also didn’t last. They were both going through things, but Ali was at a solid 44% and I think Nico would be at a 63%. I don’t know why I think that, but it feels right 😆 And until she forgave her dad, I don’t think Ali would be whole.

This brings me to the cassette tape.

The darn mysterious cassette tape that I just wanted Ali to put on her big girl pants and PLAY the DARN thing. When she first found it, my mind was like it’s the last message he left for her. It’s an apology. It’s an explanation. It’s SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT!

When she first played it and she heard Jackson in an authoritative role, she was very shocked. I think it was interesting to see her reaction because it kind of goes to show how much she never really knew her dad or how she built him down in her head. But Jackson sounded like he kept Fear Epidemic together—-like he was responsible.

Then when she listened to the tape again more towards the end and Jackson said he wrote a song about “her,” my mind SHOUTED it’s about ALI!!!! You best bet your Popeye’s fried chicken that it was about Ali! Then Jessica Brody had to throw me through a loop because the darn tape ended and I literally threw my book down 😰. DO NOT TEASE ME LIKE THAT! That couldn’t have been the end of the tape. I would not expect it.

Before the tape ended there was the flashback parallel to the exact moment when Ali matured enough to make a decision for her mom.

“Please, say yes, Mom.

Please, say no, Mom.

Please, let him stay.

Please, let him go.

And I knew whichever side I picked, I would have to leap. And I would have to stay. IT was now or never. There was no going back. There was no time. The crack was too wide. The chasm is too deep.

“Jackson,” Mom began, and I heard the brokenness in her voice. I heard the sounds of walls crumbling. Her heart is caving yet again. Her last ounce of forgiveness bubbling up.

And I leaped.

“No,” I told him. The authority in my voice was too old for a thirteen-year-old. Too resolved. Which, I guess, made sense. I didn’t feel thirteen in that moment. I felt infinite..”You can’t stay, Dad.”

(pg 420).

If I could just give young Ali a hug.

The absolute maturity for her age was insane. She knew her mom had enough of this come and go and that it was affecting everything, but yet the mom constantly forgave Jackson because that’s what a person does for family and what a person does for love. But Ali knew that what Jackson and the mom had wasn’t love and this wasn’t a family and she was tired of Jackson always leaving and taking so much energy, money, and respect from her mom. So to step up as a thirteen-year-old to lay down the law to her dad like that, that had to be beyond difficult. She was a kid.

But she was also tired of this love-hate with her dad, so she wanted the pain to end too. And that meant leaving. Looking back on this moment, I also think this was the last time that Ali truly called him her dad. I never picked up on that, and maybe I’m wrong, but I think it was. It’s purposeful how Jessica Brody calls Ali’s dad Jackson throughout the book. I can relate to this as well. When a parental figure doesn’t feel like a mom or a dad, they lose that title in the child’s eyes—-they lose that respect. So by stripping down to just calling the parent by his/her name humanizes them as just an average person. That’s what Jackson was to Ali. Not a dad, not someone who took care of her or she thought loved her enough to stay, but just a man named Jackson. It breaks my heart that Ali ever had to make that shift.

Thank the goshes for Nico who looks more into that old photograph that they found in the back of the Firebird. It was a picture of Jackson with Nolan Cook, one of the singers in Fear Epidemic. It had his address on the back of the photo, in guess where?

FREAKING WASHINGTON!

Called it!😉

When Nolan saw Ali, my heart kind of melted because he knew who she was. It was sad that he had to hear from Ali that Jackson passed away, but I think that was also for the best. But then they get to talking about if he had the song that Jackson wrote, and he did!

My man!

The song was called When She Sleeps.

My HEART 💚

But when Nolan said the song was about the night Ali almost died, I pulled back. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

UGHHHH, so when Nolan just spewed forth everything, my heart just PLUMMETED IN MY CHEST!

If yours didn’t, I would like to thoroughly pull it down with mines that is splattered on the floor in sobs 😭

It was that ninth birthday where Jackson was drunk. But Ali mis-remembered the situation because Jackson blacked out behind the wheel and that’s why she had those choppy memories of being at the park and the strange man who picked her up.

Jackson left because he regretted that night and never wanted to put Ali in danger again.

Knowing his side of the story, broke my heart. Jackson was just a man who made a mistake and he lived with that constant guilt. In a way he punished himself to stay away from Ali because he didn’t want her in harms way. He even tried to come back after leaving sometimes, but he felt bad and scared, so that’s why he would run away again. And that night that they got ice cream when he said:

“I just wanted you to know I will never do that to you again. I promise.”

(pg. 141)

He wasn’t promising to stay, but to leave to protect her! 😰

And only a father who cares would do such a thing. A father with so much love in his heart that it physically hurt to be around his daughter when he knew he almost harmed her. Oftentimes when her dad left, he would leave a Post-It that always said, “I’m sorry, I have to do this.” It all made sense. Because he was sorry for what he did and was going to do, but needed to leave to protect her. It wasn’t because he needed to be on the road because he chose Fear Epidemic over Ali and the mom or he needed to leave because he didn’t love her. He needed to distance himself from her for himself.

When Ali started to cry, I cried even more because all this time she wanted to hate her dad—-she was so angry—-but to process how everything he did was out of love for her. Her frozen eyes and heart were finally thawing in understanding.

But gosh, when the song lyrics came, someone HOLD MY TISSUE BOX! 🤧

“I hope she never wakes to see

The man that I’ve turned out to be.

The demos that I fight.

Are better fought at night.

And I’m a better man by far

When she can’t see the scars.

So the last time that I leave,

I’ll do it while she sleeps.”

(pg. 445-6)

Excuse me while I go sob in a corner with my Costco-sized tissues and my hail-sized tears.

I mean, there are no words to describe how BEAUTIFULLY that was written or how much emotion I felt from those lyrics. The pain, the agony, the regret, the sorrow, the disappointment, the anguish—–I could go on and on.

Speechless.

I hope someone makes that a hit song one day.

Ali left Nolan’s house that day with the song lyrics and when Nico’s driving to who knows where, I love the thoughts that run through Ali’s head. If she was never given the envelope, she wouldn’t have been on this whole journey from the hair band, to the cell phone, the Beatles CDs, the Tomato and Vine gift card, the chess set, the guitar, the typewriter, the Seahawks tickets and all these things in-between. She wouldn’t have found herself on this journey she needed to finally understand the truth to heal. Hearing that song and that story was also the closure she needed to forgive her dad. He wasn’t a menace or a selfish father anymore, but someone who loved her so much. Deep down she always knew that.

I’m happy she was sure of it.

In the end, I loved how Ali took the step to mail her acceptance letter to college because it showed how she was finally allowing herself to move on and chase after what she wanted. I also liked how she wasn’t so worried about the future of her house or the possibility of moving. Keeping the house was her way to tie herself to her dad, but now she had his car and the lyrics about her. That’s more than enough. I can’t help but think that if Jackson were alive they would have made up. My gosh, if only he were because how beautiful would that have been if they reconciled that relationship.

I think Jackson should have at least told her the truth at one point. She was older and I think she deserved to know and, yes, Ali might have been beyond angry at him for being the “irresponsible” parent she always painted him as, but it would have also given her perspective early on to understand why he distanced himself. But from Jackson’s perspective I could understand the hesitancy to tell her because it might have created an even wider gap in their fractured relationship and maybe to him it was easier to have Ali dislike him so that it didn’t hurt when he left all the time. As a dad, it couldn’t have been an easy choice to leave all the time, knowing your own kids will resent you for it. I still think they should have had that conversation sooner because life is soooo delicate and fragile that we can’t hold it all in sometimes even if it hurts. We have to be open and honest before it’s too late. We also can’t hold grudges too long because we never know when. So make amends now.

We still never got an exact reason as to why Jackson passed away so suddenly, and maybe now, I believe Ali and the mom should look into finding out why or at least caring about him. He’s still a person and, yes, he made mistakes, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be remembered or honored respectfully.

One thing I’m also curious about is Nico. Again, he could have his own story, which would be interesting. His mother had a gambling addiction and that’s why he would trade things on Craigslist. Nico’s dad bounced out of the situation, knowing the mom’s addiction. And that’s why they moved because the Mom wanted to be better and thought being out of Reno would solve her issue, but it didn’t. I just think there’s a lot to be explored with Nico and his upbringing and possibly dealing with his parental issues because gosh knows he also has them.

Once he figures out his parental issues, I think he and Ali would work well together because obviously they love each other and I love them together. But they need to be the best version of themselves before committing to a relationship. I liked how the book had their couple status up in the air because the book was never really about Nico and Ali falling in love or getting back together, but forgiveness, truth, and discovery.

It was about learning to forgive even the hardest people.

It was about knowing that there is so much more to the story than what we see. Sometimes people have a son behind what they do, and sometimes they don’t, but we should never be quick to judge someone as the villain because they do one thing wrong.

But most importantly, it was a discovery.

I absolutely loved how Jessica Brody ended the book with Nico and Ali having this wide road ahead of them. I also LOVED the quote she ended with because it was such a wholesome thing to say: that sometimes we choose our own path, and sometimes they chose us. Sometimes those paths aren’t easy, sometimes we get lost. But sometimes we find the path that will lead us right to where we need to go/be.

The path of where we lost—-ourselves, others, hopes, dreams, happiness.

We fall off of those paths sometimes, but we eventually find our way and life is crazy in that way. We can feel like we don’t know where we’re going or who we are, but things have it’s way of working out and things have it’s way of finding us when we need it most to teach us hard lessons. Like with Ali, she met all these people on her journey who taught her to think differently and if she never met them, she wouldn’t have been thawed out enough to forgive Jackson.

Life can be uncertain—-we can all be lost—-but we can all be found.

So keep going.

Make mistakes.

Learn from people.

Open up to others.

Forgive.

And

trust in the process.

Life’s a journey, not a destination and we all are traveling in it together.

Absolutely one of my favorite books this year based on how heart-felt everything was and how it emphasized on a variety of topics.

If you fell in love with this book the way I did (if you didn’t), what were your favorite moments? Favorite quotes? Least favorite moment? What’s something you’ve lost (sock, a friend, yourself, your passion, etc.), but found or are still finding? Let me know below in the comments as I love hearing from you all 💕

I hope you have a beautiful day whenever and wherever you might be reading this.

And as always, with love,

Rating

5 Full Bloom Flowers

Characters: Ali is such a complex character who has been through a lot of things, but on this journey you really see her breaking down her walls as to understand the truth and forgive. Jackson was also the omnipotent character in this book that weighed heavily on Ali even if he wasn’t necessarily around. Such a unique concept. I also think Nico needs his time to shine because he has his own issues too 😅

Plot: I loved how this book wasn’t about romance, but focused on deeper topics that everyone can find something to relate to with.

Writing: Jessica Brody’s writing genuinely touches your heart and wraps you in a warm hug

Romance: Some romance between Nico and Ali that worked well in paralleling with Jackson and the backstories. So it served as good content, but don’t get me wrong, they are also very good for each other.