Take Me With You When You Go by David Levithan and Jennifer Niven Book Review

“‘You don’t need to apologize.

You were nine, Ez. Nine.

What were you supposed to do?

This is one of the things Mom and Darren have always excelled at—putting us in impossible situations. Situations that no one should ever have to be in, especially children.'”

(pg. 127)

About

Authors: David Levithan and Jennifer Niven

Genre: Young Adult Contemporary

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Synopsis

Subject: You. Missing. 

Ezra Ahern wakes up one day to find his older sister, Bea, gone. No note, no sign, nothing but an email address hidden somewhere only he would find it. Ezra never expected to be left behind with their abusive stepfather and their neglectful mother – how is he supposed to navigate life without Bea?

Bea Ahern already knew she needed to get as far away from home as possible. But a message in her inbox changes everything, and she finds herself alone in a new city – without Ez, without a real plan – chasing someone who might not even want to be found.

As things unravel at home for Ezra, Bea confronts secrets about their past that will forever change the way they think about their family. Together and apart, broken by abuse but connected by love, this brother and sister must learn to trust themselves before they can find a way back to each other.

Review

Spoilers Contained Below

To all those who had to grow up to quickly just to survive, and to all those who experienced what no one should have to,

I don’t even know where to properly start. I literally just finished the book ten minutes ago and I’m still processing what I just read. I process better when I blog/write about it. So here I am.

My gosh.

I didn’t expect Take Me With You When You Go to hit me like a truck. I bought TMWYWYG when I saw it at Target because I was like, “Oh, I like Jennifer Niven and David Levithan. Why not?” I didn’t know what the book was going to be about, and I think that’s why the book was even more meaningful and beautiful to me. There really are no words to describe the heart-wrenching, sorrowful, painful, and raw story Jennifer Niven and David Levithan crafted.

I guess, first, I would like to say how much I loved the structure of the book with the emails. I don’t think I have read a book that was written fully through email correspondences, so it was such a pleasant change of perspective. But it was a nice change because I felt like we got to know each and every character through a fourth wall where we weren’t seeing what happened to them in real time or with people in that moment, but through the past. I also don’t know how to describe this fourth wall feeling because I know the story was written from multiple perspectives and in first-person, but there was just this other feeling to the perspective like the characters were toeing this line of present and past; the story felt like journal or diary pages, and that felt more intimate and otherly. I don’t know. It’s kind of like when you reflect on your day by writing about what happened in a journal or diary, and you interweave moments of your day, emotions, other people, but you also put your current thoughts and wonderings in there, so it feels like a mix of the two. My ramble probably doesn’t make sense, but that’s how I felt the book’s perspective was. Suffice to say, it was different and I truly enjoyed it.

What I enjoyed most about TMWYWYG was the relationships.

If anything, this book is about the close and unexpected relationships we form with people. We’re human and it’s natural for us to connect.

Let’s talk about Bea. Bea left home. She left with few belongings and no phone. The only thing she left behind was an email address for her brother, Ezra, to contact her. I liked that out of everything she left, she knew she had to keep her brother around because Ezra and her were all each other had. I could tell from the very beginning that Bea and Ezra had this special, unbreakable bond no matter if she left of not. I guess, enduring hardships together does that to people. If I was Ezra, I would have felt abandoned because not only was he now stuck in a shizzy home with even shizzy parents, he now didn’t even have the safety or comfort that his sister would be there to endure the shizzyness together. Not that Ezra and Bea should ever had to endure what they did, at ALL, but they knowing that Ezra had Bea in this atrociousness of a house, made the situation a smidge (like a tinnnnnnny bit) less worse than it was.

But Bea was gone.

The first, and most obvious reason she left was because her parents SUCKED.

They SUCKED and they were abusive, manipulative, and to the highest degree, TOXIC mother truckers.

They were bad vibes all around.

If I said it a million times, I will continue to scream it from the rafters, but when teens or children go through hardships in fantasy or YA contemporary books, a big chunk of it is because of sucky parenting. And I mean that. It did not surprise me that the Mom and Darren were sucky. I just didn’t want them to be sucky because Ezra and Bea deserved sooo much better. I can get more into that later. But the thing I really couldn’t stand was how the mom went along with whatever Darren said or did. I just could not. I understand that the mom had her own hurt and trauma to process. The Mom also probably felt insecure and hurt after her last husband (Bea and Ezra’s dad) cheated on her. After the Mom was cheated on, she took Bea and Ezra and left the husband and kept them from him. So, there was a part of her that wanted her kids, but the fact that she now didn’t properly care about them now that this douche canoe Darren was in her life, was beyond me—-completely and utterly beyond me. There is no excuse for the way the mom sat idly by and allowed Darren to beat, hit, throw, tackle, and bring a FREAKING GUN to a theater because he was “provoked.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH, don’t even get me started on the mom’s whole SPIEL at the end because her spell was a load of Bull and shiz—-BS at it’s finest 👏🏼. *Sigh* Yes, yes, I know, she’s just a hurt woman who found “comfort” and “stability” with a trash guy. But gosh, I feel for the Mom because if she had dated someone better, I genuinely think she wouldn’t accept anything Darren told her. Darren’s a manipulative troll who gaslights her to think that her children are “ungrateful” or “wrong” because they don’t worship the ground Darren and the Mom walk on. That’s absolute GARBAGE. I also feel like the mom fears Darren and his wraith and that’s why she goes along with what he says. There’s also a big part of me that knows the mom just stays with Darren because he’s the first guy to stay with her and “treat her with kindness;” that she found comfort in him and is willing to put up with his BS. I’m not saying the Mom’s a bad person or that she’s weak, I think she was in a bad situation with a toxic partner who made her the villain in her children’s eyes. I absolutely don’t fault Ezra or Bea for hating the passiveness of the Mom. The Mom should have stood up for them or did something, anything to protect them rather than watch her children run away or get beat up right in front of her.

It was truly the moment that Ezra got tackled by Darren in the neighbor’s yard after Darren found him at church with Terrance. When Darren tackled him from the ground, I was like, “YOU bet a neighbor is watching.” I was sooo ready for someone to go to Ezra’s rescue and call the gosh darn police because he just jumped Ezra for nothing. Darren is an unhinged, violent, manipulative, toxic, trash human being and he can suck my big toe 😡. I wanted to thoroughly beat him up for Ezra!! You know what I loved about this scene, though? I LOVED that Terrance tried to stand up for Ezra 👏🏼. That’s what you call true love.

I love Terrance 💛.

I also loved how Terrance felt Ezra’s pain throughout this whole book like his own. That’s another reason why their relationship felt like true love. When Ezra was hurt, Terrance felt hurt and he wanted to take away Ezra’s hurt. But Terrance couldn’t and wouldn’t ever understand Ezra’s pain because he grew up in a relatively nice and stable home. But I just appreciated his unwavering support and love of Ezra this entire time. He deserves kudos for being raised like a good human being unlike Darren 🙃.

“I think he might be the best part of me. I think it’s probably not healthy for the best part of me to be someone else.”

(pg. 88)

You know what Ezra? You had a lot of shizzy things in your life, and if Terrance is the best part of you and your life, then I say BE IT!!! You deserve something that is good in your life. Not me talking to a fictional character like he’s real. But seriously, I loved loved their relationship. I also liked how their relationship wasn’t built in the book, but we saw how much they loved each other from where their relationship was and how much stronger it grew with what they faced together.

Going back to the Mom, when Ezra practically beat up, this woman just sat in the passenger seat and watched. She FREAKING watched her son get beat up. I’m SORRY, WHO THE FREAK DOES THAT????!?!??! There had to be some sort of sick metaphor with how the Mom was in the passenger seat—-you know, she doesn’t really control her life and Darren controls everything. I truly wanted to shake the Mom and scream, “Can’t you see something wrong?!?” Darren had no valid reason to attack Ezra the way he did. The dude got so heated that Ezra didn’t get in the stinking car with him. Get over yourself, Darren! But I know, Darren was probably more mad at Ezra’s disobedience because he’s not used to people not listening to him.

“‘How did I raise two such unforgiving children?’

And this time I’m the one who laughs. Especially since she genuinely doesn’t seem to know.

‘I think it’s something we learned at home,’ I say.”

(pg. 292)

This made me think about how abuse truly is a cycle.

I believe that sometimes when someone grows up in a difficult home or situation, they learn early on what it means to hate and be angry. They only know what it’s like to hurt others rather than love because they have never experienced/known love itself. It’s such a brutal and sucky thought to think about because it is a reality many people go through. Not everyone lives in a picturesque home with rainbows and sparkles. Many people live in homes where parents argue and fight all the time, whether it’s heated arguments or silent warfare. Many people live in homes that have tense sibling relationships. Many people live in homes where there aren’t a lot of resources and they have to make ends meet. No one lives in a perfect home like in the movies or shows—-not like everyone has disillusioned us to believe.

“How do you lie to so many people at once? You do it because you don’t have a choice and because it’s all you know and because all you’ve done is lie your whole entire life. . . Why a family of five? Because we thought that sounded nice. A mom, a dad, three kids. Everything normal and easy, except for the fire.”

(pg. 67-8)

I think it needs to be more normalized that not all families are perfect or “normal.”

I do agree that so many times, people lie or create happy narratives of families, when all families have their issues. All families, not a single one, is perfect.

When my parents divorced, I remember feeling so embarrassed by it that I didn’t even tell my friends. It just felt so weird to tell them my parents were divorced when none of my friends had divorced parents. I felt alone in what I was going through and like they wouldn’t understand the pain and sorrow I felt knowing everything that led to my parent’s divorce. But I was also mostly embarrassed that our family wouldn’t be “perfect” or “normal” like there’s—a mom, dad, siblings, and a dog. I felt like we somehow were not a family any more and I didn’t want to divulge that to my friends. So when I was in middle school and I was going through the gutter, my friends had no idea that the reason I said no to all their hangouts or whatevers was because my parents were getting divorced and I was processing a lot.

But if divorce had been more normalized at the time, maybe I would have felt less embarrassed to open up about what my family and I were going through. Maybe I would have felt less misunderstood and alone. I will never know because I didn’t tell anyone at the time. Representation and open conversations about difficult truths is needed so people feel like they have a safe space to talk about the things they have been or are going through.

“Events from the future can change events from the past.”

(pg. 106)

I have never heard of this quote before. I thought it was highly interesting because it goes on the idea that what we do tomorrow affects what happened yesterday or in the past; that if we make changes to move forward and be the change we want to see , maybe the past can change from being in a bad place to a better one.

That’s such an interesting concept. But also a very heavy one because it puts a lot of pressure on what we do tomorrow and what we decide to do forward. I do believe that the decisions we make each second, minute, hour, day, or week affects our future, but it can affect how we felt or how we saw our past. It’s also interesting how what we do next can bring us farther from our past to some place we didn’t know where we could be, yet alone needed to be.

For Bea and Ezra, this quote meant them moving forwards and taking action to have a better life and to outrun or leave their past behind. I thought that was interesting.

“The past can’t help us now. What ifs aren’t going to help us forward; they’re only going to drag us back.”

(pg. 265)

But I also do believe that sometimes we can’t dwell on the what-ifs because we would make ourselves sad or hurt by thinking of the possibilities that could have happened when they didn’t. We need to move forward knowing that things happened in the past, yes, for better or for worse, and we can’t change that. The only thing we can do is learn and grow from what happened and figure out how we are going to go from there. As Lewis Robinson from Meet the Robinsons would say:

Suffice to say, everyone has different home situations, and home is such a subjective term. It sucks sometimes because so many people grow up in uncaring, hateful, sad, abusive, and toxic homes and it’s difficult to know where to go or escape from that reality when there are not many options of where they can go. Or it might feel like there aren’t many options they can’t go. TMWYWYG really delves deeper into this concept, but going back to Darren, I felt like he had to grow up in an abusive home to be who he was today. He had to have been hit and yelled at as a kid to make him feel like it is acceptable behavior to treat someone the way he does.

Abuse can be a cycle. It doesn’t have to be, but it can be.

And I don’t think anyone wants to be abusive, mean, hateful, or hurtful. It’s just they don’t know what else to be.

The idea of people and who we become connects to nature versus nurture/ genes versus environment talk. I loved how Jennifer Niven and David Levithan explored this psychological concept because it went well with the storyline. Nature versus nurture is a concept I often ponder because genetics and the environment play significant roles in who we become. In a psychology course I took in college, my professor said it’s not so much nature versus nurture, but nature and nurture because genetics and the environment both influence who we become. I think nature influences so much with how we look, our physical and mental health, and maybe our tendencies. But the environment, personally, is a HUGE part of who we are. The environment is where we grew up, who we grew up with/friends/people, when we grew up, and how we grew up. If I grew up in London, I wouldn’t be the Americanized person I am today. If I grew up with no friends, I wouldn’t be where I am today. If my parents didn’t divorce, I wouldn’t have moved as often as I did or would have grown as much to be where I am. What happens in our life and our environment influences us in little and impactful ways. If someone grew up in a hateful environment, that’s all they will know versus someone who grew up in a loving home. We are shaped by our experiences and influences.

Darren, Bea, Ezra, Terrance, Patch, and Joe are testaments to that.

And I would just like to note, it’s not even just the environment of when, where, how we grew up, but even our current environment. We are constantly being shaped and learning from our surroundings.

As we covered, Bea grew up in a landfill of an environment 🙃.

There were multiple times I wanted to reach through the pages and hug Bea and give her the love and care she deserved. I truly felt for her because I understood her emotions all too well.

The first thing that I related to with Bea was how she felt like she wasn’t enough or like she didn’t matter to the people in her life. Bea was the type of person everyone had expectations for—-low expectations that is. They didn’t think she would go to college, they expected her to not graduate or amount to anything, and no one was surprised she ran away. They didn’t believe the most in her. There was that scene when Bea went to the Criminal Psychology class with Patch and the Professor said something so powerful:

“‘Good work today,’ Dr. Naomi says to me on our way out. You can tell she’s searching for my name.

‘Martha,’ I say.

‘Martha,’ she repeats. I look forward to more from you.'”

(pg. 231)

Teachers truly say the things we need to hear most. I’ve had many teachers who said the right things to me when I needed it most—-when I began to give up on myself.

But, the Professor just saying that, no matter how offhand it was, meant the world to Bea. I could feel it. No one, absolutely no one, ever made her feel like she was good enough or important, yet, here was someone who believed in her. I loved that for her 💛.

But back to her doubt, I was beyond hurt that no one cared that Bea left. Her parents’ reaction? Underwhelming, but expected. And don’t even get me started on the Principal. OOOOOOH, that guy deserves to get F-I-R-E-D 😡!!!

My education major is about to pop off on this Principal Southerly. Bro, if this guy suspected that things weren’t good at the Ahern house, he should have done more to reach out to Ezra or Bea or at least created a safe environment for them to speak rather than accuse Bea of being a lazy runaway drop out. I also couldn’t believe the Principal did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING when he got a call from the MOM to tell Ezra to return the Mom’s purse. Then the fact that Ezra talked back about how the Mom and him weren’t speaking and yada yada yada, and the Principal still did nothing, was beyond me. I mean, the signs were there, the commentary was there, the neglect was there. There was obviously something wrong. Teachers are mandatory reporters and the bro should have been dialing that CPS or filling out some sort of paperwork or SOMETHING. He should have scheduled an at home interview with the family or whatever. He did nothing and that boiled my lobster 😡!!!! WhAT A ClueLEsss IDioT!!!!!!!

Who gave this guy a degree?

I’d like to take his resignation now 👏🏼.

“Funny, how you can believe things about yourself if someone tells you enough.”

(pg. 230)

Because no one believed in her for the majority of her life, it’s not surprising she didn’t believe in herself. I know this feeling to a t.

“There’s more to life, you know, but it’s like you tell yourself you don’t deserve it. Why do you do that?”

(pg. 102)

When Bea asked this of herself, I felt attacked because I have felt like Bea probably an unhealthy amount of times in my life. I think Bea’s negative self-perception, again, started at home with the ideas that her parents imparted on her—-making her feel unloved, unwanted, and never good enough. When you get so used to people not loving you, it can be extremely difficult to accept when people do.

“I guess that’s one of the side effects of growing up in a home that hates you—-you have no idea how to act around love.”

(pg. 80)

This is also a sentiment I understood well. I would not say I grew up around an unloving family, but I would say I grew up around a family that wasn’t open about loving each other. We did not tell each other we loved each other every day or every year. We did not hug one another often unless we had to. We barely talked to each other whenever we were home or sitting around the dinner table. We all did our own thing, stuck to our own corners, and assumed we loved each other because we were “family” and supposedly knew we loved each other. Honestly, I feel like you have to tell people you love them even if it’s a tacit that you do love each other. Love deserves to be proclaimed and not assumed or taken for granted. Suffice to say, I did not grow up knowing what it was like to be all mushy with family, and this translated with not knowing how to accept love and affection from others. It wasn’t until I was older that I even realized how uncomfortable I was being hugged by friends or people I knew or even being told “I love you,” by friends that I realized how vastly uncomfortable I was about it. Heck, I still find myself uncomfortable with being hugged or being told someone loves me/ It’s sad that many people grow up not knowing love that they don’t know how to accept it easily. Love should be the most welcoming, wholesome emotion that people just feel. No one should be made to feel like they do not understand how to feel love because they never knew it.

I just find it utterly sad for people who have felt like Bea and I because it’s not easy.

It feels weird that other people—-normal human beings—-can love so easily and it makes us sometimes feel like there’s something wrong with us that we don’t always process love first, but hate.

And that’s why Bea said to herself that, “you act like you don’t deserve love. Why do you do that?” meant so much. It’s because she’s not used to love and when you’re not used to something, you’re uncomfortable with it. And when you are uncomfortable with something new, you feel like it’s wrong and you don’t deserve it or that it can go to ruin too soon or that you don’t belong in that situation. It feels wrong because you’ve only known wrong your whole life. It’s a difficult headspace to heal from.

I don’t know, I recently started watching the Baby Sitters-Club season two episode one. The episode was about Kristy moving in with Watson, and how she was adjusting to this new life. Kristy had this whole internal monologue that I found fascinating because she did not feel like she belonged in this new life, like the ground was going to slip under her and everything she had was going to go away. She felt like she didn’t deserve this new life because she didn’t belong. Everyone belongs to love—–everyone deserves to be loved. But sometimes we don’t believe we do because we grew up in situations where we felt like love was never a factor. In terms of Kristy’s situation, she grew up in a loving home for sure, but her situation was different because she didn’t believe she deserved good in her life when she only knew hardship and struggle, which I guess could also relate to Bea.

“If you’re used to people being [shizzy], it’s hard to accept niceness. Your instinct is to f*** it up. And fun the he** away.”

(pg. 247)

Naturally, a person’s response to not understanding how to process love is to run away from love or push it away. It’s sort of like a defense or comfort mechanism. And no, I am no psychologist, but I have read a lot of books and books feel like therapy 🤪. When Patch was treating Bea with the utmost kindness, she didn’t know how to trust in it. She didn’t know how to react around someone, yet alone a male figure, who was nice. That’s so sad.

I also absolutely loved Franco and Irene. They were such a loving and kind couple to take Bea in with no questions asked. They showed her more love, affection, and kindness in a few weeks more than her parents have ever shown her her whole life. I think it’s hopeful and amazing to know that there are people like Franco and Maria in the real-world who would do such a thing. Human kindness is always more powerful than human hurt. I just loved how they gave her a place to sleep, eat, and work. I also loved how they never judged her or asked her what she was doing because, obviously, they knew she had run away from home. But what I loved most about Bea’s relationship with Franco and Maria, was how Bea could have run away from them and left no trace in the end. But after being on this journey with Ezra and Patch, and figuring out herself, she reached out to Franco. She wanted to keep the connection she had with them alive. That’s such a stark contrast to the girl who left no trace because she believed no one loved or cared for her. But her emailing Franco and Maria to thank them for their hospitality and to tell them she was okay, meant the world. I also felt like it was a huge step for Bea to let people in when she never had trusting relationships with adults.

Relationships are everything.

“Well, that’s how I was feeling back home—like Gregor Samsa, the giant, monstrous bug that no one wanted. But now, out here, away from it all, it’s like I’ve transformed into the Me I’m meant to be.

A Me who apparently likes to write Ezra-length letters, but at least you know why I’ve run away. Only I like to think it’s not so much running away as running to . . . I am running toward life and freedom and me.”

(pg. 56)

One of the other things I admired about Bea was her contemplativeness. We love a character who digs trench deep metaphors 👏🏼.

The thing was, I vividly understood Bea’s big bug metaphor. I’m not the biggest fan of bugs, but I could understand what it feels like to feel like no one wants you.

It’s so weird because as a kid, I remember wanting to run-away. I don’t even know if that’s a natural thing all kids feel at one point, but I know I felt that way many times because I didn’t feel like anyone would miss me at home if I ran away. I can still remember the moment I truly felt like I could run-away and get away with it. It was the day I watched Ramona and Beezees, you know, the adaptation with Selena Gomez and Joey King. I remember Joey King as Ramona, took her little red wagon and stuffed it with all these things and she just set off. She ran away from home. I felt like as a kid I could understand Ramona’s frustration, loneliness, and hurt that drove her to actually run away. It breaks my heart to think that my younger self felt so low and hopeless at home that I truly thought of pulling a Ramona (I didn’t). But I thought about it. And it’s the thought that counts, right 🙃? I don’t know, I think there just comes a point where someone thinks about running away because they feel like they won’t be missed or they never mattered so they do everyone a favor by leaving because they think everyone would be better off without them. But in all seriousness, I believe it says a lot when a person even thinks about running away from home because home is supposed to be a safe haven or the place you run to. But what happens when home isn’t safe? What happens when you don’t feel like you belong anywhere, let alone the one place you’re supposed to belong?

“I guess that’s the risk of going home—you find all this pain, with all this guilt mixed in.”

(pg. 122)

That’s what the whole book explored.

But what I loved most about Bea’s contemplation was the ideas of running towards something. When people always say the phrase “running away” it’s always about running from something that’s hurting them or chasing them—something they are escaping. But I never thought about how when you run, you have to go somewhere. So I loved loved loved the note of hope that Bea was running toward something—-toward better days, a better future, a safer future, to healing. Running forward and moving on. I love that 💛

“‘The thing is, I’d rather run toward something than run from something. Does that make sense?'”

(pg. 205)

I want to briefly talk about Patch because he was a minimal character, but an interesting character. Bea needed to meet Patch to see someone in a different family situation who was running away when he could confront his situation easily. Patch’s dad was controlling of Patch’s future in wanting him to take over the family business, but Patch wanted to do something else with his life. First of all, I just want to say that placing all these expectations and obligations on kids to be who the parents want them to be is not it. Let kids figure out what they want to do and let them do something for themselves. I am absolutely exhausted by the obsolete idea of parents forcing or ingraining in their children that they need to be what they want them to be. It’s freaking exhausting because kids are their own person and they grow up with their own dreams, hopes, and futures. Parents shouldn’t force kids to be what they don’t want to be and then get mad at the kid’s for being who they are. Parents should encourage kids to explore what they want to do and be happy for whatever they choose, even if it is not the traditional route. I understand though, that a child not taking the traditional route is terrifying because there is not a lot of stability in a nontraditional job. But I feel like that is for someone to live and learn and figure out, and the parent should just be there to support the child through the things that do not work out. To me, that is kinder than forcing someone to do something they do not want to do because you fear their stability. It’s okay to be scared for someone you love, but the best you can do is be there for them when things don’t work out. I think Patch and Bea’s relationship was interesting in this way because here she was with absolute SHIZ parents and Patch’s dad wasn’t all that bad. They could still mend that relationship through communication and understanding.

“And you rather hurt someone else than have them hurt you, but then you’re only hurting yourself.”

(pg. 277)

One of my favorite moments with Patches was when they were in the car and he said the quote written above. Gosh, did his words just punch my heart. Patch’s words go back to that idea that when you are around shizzy people and you start to believe the worst in yourself, you feel like you don’t deserve kindness. So you push away every good thing in your life, you run from it, you deny it because accepting that good can enter your life is an impossible bout of fiction. That makes my heart so sad because everyone deserves good and happy moments in their life. They don’t deserve to feel that they are the worst people in the world because others have wrongfully hurt them, so they believe they only deserve pain and hurt. We hurt ourselves a lot of the time without really thinking about why we might do so. We deserve to treat ourselves better than others treat us. That’s something I know I need to work on because I am hard on myself because I felt like I couldn’t be happy.

“Sometimes people, even the smart ones, even the good ones, just can’t see themselves.”

(pg. 214)

Because those people have been broken down too much by what others see 👌🏼.

I read a quote on Instagram about how sometimes people who live with trauma feel like their identity is their trauma and they do not know how to be or who they are outside of their trauma. I felt that. I have been through many things and there was a point where I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy so I would make myself sad. Why would I do such a thing? Because I felt like I deserved the pain and sorrow. I didn’t. You don’t.

I would have liked more scenes with Patch to understand him as a person. But this book wasn’t about his journey, but I’m glad Bea crossed paths with him and that he wasn’t some creepy dude hitchhiking women on the side of the road 🙃. He was just another wayward son, running toward something.

But I think being in that young adult, but not really an adult stage is one of the hardest transitions a person can go through. You don’t really know who you are or where you’re going, but society says you should. Sometimes you just need to escape reality—-take a back seat—to process what could be.

“It’s amazing what you can learn about yourself when you get away from the doubters.”

(pg. 52)

I really appreciated this quote.

There’s just something too good to be said about how you do learn a lot when you distance yourself from everyone who ever made you feel unappreciated or unloved.

When you distance yourself from toxic or negative people, you realize you were never in an environment that allowed you to grow.

This is a sentient I learned who I dormed for my first two years at college and quarantined for the last two. Especially during quartile, I realized how practically my whole life I have been surrounded by people who made me feel insignificant, small, and alone. I grew up with people who made me feel unloved, unappreciated, and unaccepted. When you’re around people who bring so much negativity in your life, it’s hard not to believe them after a while, especially if it’s the only environment you ever know. You start to internalize all these things and that that’s all you’ll ever amount to. And I felt like Bea and I could relate a lot to feeling like we were never enough or loved by the people who should love us. I also felt like we related to knowing what it’s like to not be believed in. Sort of like a Tinkerbell moment of unappreciation. It sucks.

“‘Because if they speak loud enough, that’s the only voice you’re able to hear.”

(pg. 52)

For the longest time, I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. In high school, I still wanted to study education In college, but I remember feeling so embarrassed telling people I wanted to be a teacher. You want to know why? Even if you don’t, I’m going to type it 😅. I’m a quieter person. Never been the loudest in the room (depending on the people). I’ve always been told I was soft-spoken, shy, timid, and too quiet. So everyone, and I mean, EVERYONE in my life felt the need to always tell me, “How could you be a teacher? You are too quiet.” You know, it sucks. I felt hurt and pained and angry and tired and defeated. But mostly I felt discouraged. I felt ashamed for having this dream since I was a kid and feeling like no one believed I could achieve my dream because I was “too quiet.” Just because a person is “quiet” doesn’t mean they can’t speak loudly. Honestly, I do talk loudly around the right people—people who made me feel like my voice was heard or who made me feel comfortable. But over the years, I’ve grown quiet because there just comes a point where it’s tiring to talk when people already set these expectations for you and you just don’t want to prove something anymore. I know myself and that’s all there is to it. Also, shyness isn’t something people are born with, it’s something they are made to feel. I was made to be shy by the people who tore me down. That’s the truth. But to hear people not believe in you freaking sucks. When I dormed and got away from family and others who made me feel bad for my dreams, I realized how free I was.

I realized that I wasn’t who they made me to be in their mind, and no, I wasn’t going to do everything I could to prove myself to them. But I was going to achieve my dream for me. So, it really is amazing what you learn about yourself when you get away from the wrong environment. Also, dorming, taught me so much about myself that I didn’t even realize at the time. I learned how I like being by myself and doing my own thing. I like having a routine, listening to music or podcasts while I workout or stretch, I study better alone, I feed off the sunshine, I need to exercise or move my body each day because sitting down all day feels overwhelming to me, I need a bright space to think. I need people in my life who genuinely care for me and believe in me. I also learned how I could do things on my own. Like Bea, it was the first time I left home and I didn’t know what to do, but I found my way. I never thought I would. But I needed time and space to live by myself to grow. I am entirely thankful for dorming, even if at the moment, I couldn’t see it.

I also loved how Bea had all these revelations and found out more about herself after running away. Like how she was smart as mentioned earlier. I also loved how she realized she was cared about by Patch and Franco’s kindness. But she also found someone she never knew was out there—-London aka Mystery Guy.

Part of the reason Bea ran away (besides feeling unloved, unwanted, and tired of her home life), was to chase this Mystery Guy or MG. Bea left without anything except an email she gave Ezra because she couldn’t fully leave her brother behind her. Also, that would have been messed up considering how close Bea and Ezra’s relationship was, which I will get into more later. Bea was convinced that MG was their biological dad. The possibility of the biological dad being out there hurt a lot for Bea and Ezra. They had a shizzy home life, so to think their biological dad was out there, living the good life with his new family, sucked for them because here they were in an awful situation with a passive mother and an abusive step-dad. They wanted hope that things could be better. To be really honest, if the dad really wanted to have a relationship with Bea and Ezra, he would have reached out sooner or tried harder after the mom took Bea and Ezra away from him. Honestly, I want to know more about what happened between the mom and the dad that led to their split, and ultimately the mom taking Bea and Ezra away. Isn’t there some legality in this—-she couldn’t’ just take Bea and Ezra,, right? 🤔 I don’t know. But if the dad wanted his children, he would have fought for them or found a way to find them rather than not try or give up. It’s like the saying, if he wanted to, he would. The dad’s lack of trying is a response within itself. And that freaking sucks as well. First, a mom who is passive aggressive and abusive and a dad who didn’t even want a relationship with his kids. THAT SUCKS. I am so sorry.

“Which means this [shizzy] life we’ve been living? It was never supposed to be ours. We were supposed to have a good life with a dad who loves us, here in St. Louis, Missouri. . . . We were supposed to be loved.”

(pg. 128)

That last part about how they were supposed to be loved had me sobbing internally 😭. I mean, THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE LOVED!!!!! Everyone is supposed to feel loved. SUPPOSED TO. They weren’t!

But as much as I had hope for Bea and Ezra that there was this “good” father out there with the “good” life, something rubbed me the wrong way about how the dad didn’t do anything to find them until now. Like, why right now? Out of all the years he let Bea go and didn’t know about Ezra’s existence, why now? Something was up. Also, if he was a father, he had to earn being a father to them because he left them too or he decided to let them leave. So I also couldn’t trust the dad yet because he didn’t try hard enough and for some reason he wanted a relationship with his two kids via a weird mysterious name on the internet. That’s not messed up 🙃. But I understood Bea and Ezra’s hope because when you’re in such a sucky situation, anything that is hopeful is something you cling to.

But MG dad didn’t turn out to be dad . . . the dad had passed away. WHICH SUCKS. Darn, everything just sucked for them in this book. Jennifer Niven and David Leviathen, give them a BREAK 😩.MG dad’s baby-child, London. London’s a pretty name; reminded me of London Tipton. I wasn’t being sarcastic, legit, London’s a pretty name. But London was like an eager puppy once he found Bea and Ezra, which I could understand how excited he was because he was an only child and wanted more family. That’s something to be cited about. He also seems like a nice boy with good intentions, but I think he came off a bit too strong because Bea and Ezra aren’t used to anyone besides each other—-they were all each other had, so adding a new brother to the mix, felt weird. Also, I felt like it was surreal for Bea to walk into London’s home and see how well off he was. He had a nice couch, a big living room, and a grand kitchen. London also had a stellar and cool mom who wasn’t a piece of shiz. That probably hurt Bea a lot because they had a loving home and family—-all things she didn’t have, but wished she could have had. It felt unfair because that could have been her life—a better life. Bea also lost her dad. That had to hurt even if she didn’t know him that well. She had hopes for who he was and could have been.

Ezra’s reaction to knowing London and the dad were out there was something else. It tore my heart out for him because he knew he had a biological dad, DUH, but he also had to come to terms with how the supposedly “good” dad had another family and life that wasn’t theirs—Bea and Ezra. He felt cheated. When Ezra wrote the letter to Bea about trying, I cried.

“I cried because you don’t understand how deep the deep end goes until you’re actually drowning.”

(pg. 188).

“Talk about being in the deep end. I never knew they made water that deep.”

(pg. 200)

That quote really hit another tear duct. I could just feel the sorrow and exhaustion in Ezra. No kid, no one, should have to cry so hard or so much they are drowning 😞.

“I felt the loss most of all. The loss of the home I never had. The loss of so much of my life until now. Loss should be numbness. An emptiness. But it’s not. It is the most painful part.

I wondered: Did Mom and Darren hurt us more by what they did or by what they didn’t do? Which wounds us more–the hostile presence or the absent kindness?”

(pg. 189)

There’s this other quote I have seen around social media: how grief isn’t just mourning a loss, but an idea.

” . . . losing illusions can hurt almost as much as losing people.”

(pg. 266)

But it’s so true. Grief is not just about people, it’s about everything that we mourn that could have, should have, or would have been. It’s grieving the idea of not getting the new job, going through a friendship break-up, not having the experiences or life we thought we would have. That sort of grief is entirely valid and difficult. We don’t talk about mourning the loss of an idea because somehow the idea not being real, makes the pain any less real. But it doesn’t. We can grieve ideas we had. When the pandemic started, I cried nearly everyday over how I wouldn’t see my friends or make friendships in college after finally feeling like maybe I was in a good place about it. I grieved the loss of not being able to go into the field to be in the classroom. Ever since I knew in freshman year that in my junior year I would be in the field/classroom, I was excited—hopeful for something. But then that was taken from me because everything was virtual and I lost out on a year and a half of doing virtual field work. I had to mourn that. We mourn in different ways. Bea and Ezra had every right to mourn the loss of a dad they didn’t know, but ultimately I felt like they were mourning the hope of what could have been—-an escape from their situation.

It sucked.

Bea’s reaction to discovering the dad was also heartbreaking.

Bea already ran away with the hope of finding the dad—-their only hope. And that hope . . . well, you know.

She felt betrayed by this image she had of the dad who left them and I could feel like she wanted to be mad at the dad and hate him, but to know that he wasn’t a bad person, made it even more difficult for her to process losing him. She lost her dad and the knowledge that her and Ezra could have had a good dad. I also felt like the dad could have definitely tried harder to find Bea and Ezra and that his excuses meant nothing. I also really wanted to read more of the letters the dad wrote to her because I’m a sucker for a good letter. I blame Jenny Han 🤪. I’m joking, I love Jenny Han! Anyways, I teared up when she found out that the dad was like the Bruce Banner she always imagined her to be . . . illusions are hard. I also was kind of mind-f***** over how Bea wasn’t even her real name. I was so confused about how her name was Madelyn Ahren, and Ahren wasn’t even her last name, so I was confused for her. So not only her whole life her parents and living situation sucked, her dad passed away and now she could never meet him, but now she wasn’t even really who she was??????? Way to screw up your kids, idiot parents 🙃!!!!! I DETESTTTT.

There was also that moment that Bea went to Walmart and saw the missing child’s posters. I remember exactly what she was talking about because I used to see the same thing in my Walmarts growing up as well. And I remember it always banged at my heart because it made me heartbroken to think about all these kids and what they have been through or what they are going through. I always wondered where they were or who would find them. I was worried, mostly. But Bea looking at the posters made me think about how she felt like one of those missing children because she never really felt like she had a home. She felt like she was missing herself and a place to land.

Ezra and Bea is the best sibling relationship I ever read. I loved how much they supported each other and were there for each other even if they were the exact opposites in personality.

I loved all the interactions and moments of love you could feel between Ezra and Bea. I especially loved the backstories we got of the sacred moments Bea and Ezra shared. One of my favorite moments was Ezra’s coming out story to Bea. It was just so sweet. Ezra had a first kiss with his best friend (at the time), Johnny. They had an experimental sort of kiss and then that was when Ezra realized he was gay. I loved how after Ezra had that kiss, he went straight to Bea’s room and asked if he could hang out in her room. Instead of being a typical big sister and kicking Ezra out, she let him stay. I loved that she let him stay because she could see that her little brother needed her or needed a safe place to land after having his first kiss and figuring out his sexuality. There was this other brother sister moment that stuck with me after I finished TMWYWYG. It was when Ezra talked about the piggy bank. It was when Darren broke Bea’s piggy bank in a bout of anger and he had her pick up all the pieces. It was some sort of sick, twisted cruelty to both of them because he broke something that Bea had all her life and Darren made Ezra watch his sister pick up broken pieces in pain. I don’t know why Darren was so ticked off at two little kids that he would do such a thing. He was just the worst person ever. But I remember reading this backstory and feeling hurt for Ezra and Bea because they battled all these pains and cruelties at such a young age. I wanted to just take them out of this house and put them somewhere loving and warm. Honestly, if you’re that young, couldn’t you call CPS? I’m pretty sure you can be any age to call CPS, but I’m not sure. I don’t know, maybe they didn’t want to call CPS because they would get separated, which would have been worse for them. But gosh, they deserved better.

Now, now, let’s talk about our mature, wise, and extremely funny Ezra. Gosh, did I love Ezra 💛. He just seemed like a legit good brother, boyfriend, and person. He was vastly mature for his age, which I want to talk a little bit about. I’m a very big quote girl, and I saw somewhere that sometimes when we call someone mature for their age, it’s not always meant in the most positive light because it means that that person had to go through a lot of things to grow up very quickly. It means that that person had to mature and be mature for his/her age when they should have not had to grow up quickly. I felt that. Bea and Ezra were both wise beyond their years because they had to grow up so quickly to survive.

“You were nine, Ez. Nine. What were you supposed to do.? This is one of the things Mom and Darren have always excelled at—putting us in impossible situations. Situations that no one should ever have to be in, especially children.”

(pg. 127)

Well you got that darn right 👏🏼!

They were just freaking kids.

I think it’s so hard to be a human-being when you’re just focused on the bare necessity of survival.

“‘You guys are so good at that,’ he said. ‘I hope you get some satisfaction out of fooling the rest of us.’

‘It’s not like that,’ I told him.

‘Then what’s it like?’

‘It’s like survival,’ I said. ‘It’s exactly like survival.'”

(pg. 116)

Exactly, like the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The Hierarchy of Needs is this pyramid that says people’s basic needs need to be fulfilled to move on to the next tier. The most basic tier is a safe home/shelter, food, and water. But Ezra and Bea didn’t even have that first hierarchy satisfied, so it made sense that they were on survival mode—-pure mature mode.

“Why doesn’t your mother love you? . . . .’She does love me. She just doesn’t love me enough.'”

(pg. 63)

When Ezra said this, I was like DARN. He hits hard with these quotes. I just wanted to hug him because it sucks to feel like the people who should love you don’t love you. Let alone love you enough to actually want to be better for you. It was such a difficult situation because I think (or I like to believe) the Mom had some goodness left in her, but it just felt like she didn’t care enough to actually be there for her kids. Again, I don’t know if it was because she was too gaslighted by Darren or she was genuinely fearful of Darren that she was completely passive towards her kids. No matter the reason, it was absolutely no excuse to not care for her kids. I couldn’t even believe her reaction to Bea leaving—-just searching through her room like a mad woman. Or even that time Ezra moved out the house and all she cared about was getting her purse back?! Like, I’m sorry??????? She cares more about her ratty a** purse than her son who nearly burned their house down and her daughter that ran away??????? Like, if that’s not a tell tale sign that her kids were unhappy and needed love in their life, I don’t know what was.

“I needed to tell her children worry too. Especially when their parents don’t love them.”

(pg. 80)

This was said when Ezra was staying at Joe’s house, and I have to completely agree—-children do worry because if it feels like their parents don’t love them—-the people who should—-it starts to feel like something is wrong with the and no one will love them because not even their parents would. I understand how worrisome it feels because, again, there’s that sense of insecurity and instability in their life. I felt worried a lot as a kid because I felt like Bea and Ezra a lot. It’s tiring. You just want to know that you belong somewhere or someone wants you.

With Bea gone, Ezra had to endure a lot of chaos.

Honestly, I loved when he almost burned the house down. Good for him 😂.

Ezra said, I don’t want to live here anymore, so I’mma burn this sucker DOWN.

I also CACKLED with how Ezra was super casual about going to the movies when his house was burning. Also, I loved it when Darren called him in the middle of the movie and Ezra was like, “I can’t talk.” 😂

Ezra was low-key a savage and I LOVED it. I love the sass.

With Bea gone, I felt like Ezra was angry—-hence the burning house. But I also felt like he felt abandoned by the only person who he loved or who helped him survive all these years. Because now he was stuck in this house with two toxic people who were itching to crumble his spirit to pieces. He couldn’t live with his parents alone, and I’m glad he had Joe and Terrance’s families who opened up their homes to him. Honestly, couldn’t they have called CPS or something to report the parents at this point? I don’t know. Someone just needed to call a higher authority because the parents legit sucked and shouldn’t be trusted with kids. Also, it boggled my mind how everyone was kind of aware of Bea missing and Ezra burning his parent’s house down and no one thought something was OBVIOUSLY wrong at home. Again, the school was failing Bea and Ezra. Mandatory reporters my butt.

But there was one girl who seemed to have an idea to what Ezra was going through: Jessica Wei. Jessica wasn’t a huge character, but I loved how her character added a layer of understanding and relatability. Jessica had a hunch that things weren’t good at home for Ezra, which was something she could understand. Jessica wasn’t close with Ezra, but she was the type of person that Ezra knew his whole life, but never really talked to. You know, those people you grow up with but never really talked to. I appreciated Jessica because she was one of the only gosh darn people in this whole entire school to ask Ezra how he was doing. I loved that she hugged him afterward and said things would be okay even though she couldn’t know that for sure. IN this sort of situation, I think it’s best to tell people, “Yea, that sucks.” Because their situation does suck and sometimes they don’t want to hear it will be okay because it sounds like false hope.

“We thought there was a wall around our story. But what if there were windows?”

(pg. 61)

But here Ezra and Bea were, thinking that they kept their abuse a secret when other people could see it. That’s the thing, most people keep the abuse a secret because they don’t want CPS to get involved to split up the family or they don’t want to complicate things. Or sometimes people feel like they have to keep parental abuse a secret because they don’t know what else to do, which is extremely tough. It kind of goes back to that idea of how sometimes we don’t talk about the things that we should talk about.

“For the past, I don’t know, life, I’ve been so focused on building these walls around myself so that Mom and Darren can’t get in, but the thing I didn’t realize until right now . . . is that I’ve been keeping everyone else out too.”

(pg. 149)

Abuse is something that we shouldn’t build doors or walls around because we feel it’s wrong to speak out about it. We need to speak out about it. I liked how Jessica was a window for Ezra. Most people in Ezra’s life were also walls and doors because I felt Ezra and Bea wanted to keep people out of their life or keep them out from finding out the complete truth. It’s easy to shut people out because we feel the need to hide our truth or something big in our life because we feel like others can’t understand what we feel or what we’re going through. Ezra had this epiphany moment where he realized that in the process of building these walls, he shut everyone out because they had no way to get in. Ezra didn’t have a lot of friends beyond Terrance, Joe, and Bea. I mean, it wasn’t wrong that Ezra didn’t have a lot of friends because he was going through his own things, but again, it was the survival instinct that pushed others away from getting too close to Ezra. And maybe deep down, Ezra kept other people at hands-length because he didn’t believe he deserved friends either.

“It makes me realize how much of my life I’ve spent hunched over, rushing by something I’m trying to avoid—Mom in the kitchen, Darren in the den, them both in their bedroom. Duck and cover. Don’t make any noise. If that’s your mindset at home, it can become your mindset for life. Rush by all the other houses. Rush through the halls of school. if you don’t pay attention to anyone else, they won’t pay any attention to you.”

(pg. 158-9)

Gosh, did I understand this sentiment well. When we learn how to retreat or make ourselves invisible, it’s easy to translate that habit to other areas of our life. Ezra was so used to diminishing himself or making himself small based on his home life, that when he was at school, he didn’t even realize how he had the same survival tactic. That sucks. No one should ever have to feel so small, yet alone, so invisible. I also agree that if you don’t pay attention to others, they won’t pay attention to you because how can they notice you if you are making yourself too small to be seen? This sentiment also goes along with why Ezra probably didn’t have a lot of friends. Not many people noticed him because he didn’t notice those around him.

For Bea, she realized that too many people in their lives just left them alone because maybe they put up these doors and windows. I know when I was going through a really rough time in high school, I put up walls and doors and after a while, people stopped coming around. There was no one knocking at my door to invite me to places, they just left me alone. It was oddly what I wanted, but it finally felt like people gave up on me. But I think we all need moments in our life where we retreat to figure things out for ourselves, and when we’re ready we can break down those walls or open those doors. But the tough part about that is that sometimes, there is no one on the other side of the wall or door when we have pushed them aside for so long

” . . . But who the heck really wants to be left entirely alone?”

(pg. 163)

I thought it was also interesting when Jessica Wei and Ezra had this one conversation where Ezra realized how bad his situation really was.

” . . . homeless is an old man who hasn’t showered in weeks, pushing a shopping cart full of bottles. Homeless is a family whose house has been ripped apart by a tornado. Homeless is a queer teen kicked of their house because of who they are, and forced to live in a shelter or under a bridge, or in the back of a car.

I am not homeless, I say to myself.

But then I ask myself back, So, what are you, then? Where is your home?

Which makes me realize: I am homeless.”

(pg. 174)

I think this was the part when Ezra wasn’t staying with Joe anymore and he wasn’t sure if he could stay with Terrance because he didn’t know if Terrence’s parents would be down for that. But when I read this part, my heart dropped because there are different versions of being homeless—-not having a home to go to, or a safe home/place. I do think when people think of homeless, they think of the person pushing the stolen grocery cart with layers upon layers of clothes. But that’s only one type of homelessness and it’s not like anyone wants to be homeless, but life gets complicated and challenging and sometimes people find themselves on the streets because of money issues, bad families, nowhere to go, natural disasters, and so many other factors in life that we don’t know. And Ezra being fully aware of his homelessness made my heart hurt because I just feel sad that many people in real life do go through what Ezra went through. It sucks. I don’t know how many times I can say that.

I also think about how much it sucks that Bea and Ezra’s experiences influenced their mindsets.

“F***, Bea—-what if we really are our parent’s bad qualities rearranged into new people?”

(pg. 115)

I just wanted to tell Ezra that he was not his parents nor would he ever be his parents, and to get that thought out of his mind. You are not your parents. Bea and Ezra were a thousand times over better people than their mom and the dad who left them. Gosh knows, Darren wasn’t a real dad to them.

But I also think about how much more united Bea and Ezra were because of their situation. I’m not saying that they should have gone through what they did to be united or that they were stronger because no one should have to experience what they did, but they had power together because they had each other. We should hold onto relationships that have been a positive constant in our life.

One of my absolute favorite moments was when Ezra POPPED off at the mom!!!! I wanted to scream with him. DANG, when Ezra swore at his mom and said, “Are you F******* kidding me?” I WAS GOBSMACKED!!!! Yea, you 👏🏼!!!! The mom had the utter AUDACITY TO GASLIGHT EZRA and make him feel like he was an “ungrateful, deplorable wild child ever since his sister left.” Shove those lies back up your butt, Mom!!!! No one wants to hear it. I could not with her. Like does she even hear herself?????? “You’re awful and you provoke us.” I’m sorry, is the Mom and Darren not two grown A** ADULTS?????? How the heck are they being “provoked” by two children who they are obviously abusing?!?!?! I mean, they are the ADULTS in this situation and they are letting two kids “provoke” them? Grow some tough skin and get over it, kids are irritating sometimes, doesn’t mean you abuse them. Kids are kids, they are going to mess up, they are going to scream, they are going to say things they don’t mean, but that’s everybody. The Mom and Darren’s actions are inexcusable! And don’t even give me that, “they were being ungrateful spiel.” The mom needed to get out of here, I was about to pop off with Ezra because how dare she play the victim when her kids were the real victim.

And yea, yea, I get the Mom was hurt from the ex-husband. I get it, the hurt and pain got to her, but it’s no excuse to abuse and gaslight her kids. It’s also no excuse to treat them like shiz and let your new husband beat the daylight out of them in broad daylight 🙃.

But what I loved most about Ezra popping off on the Mom? I LOVED it when he put up his BOUNDARIES 👏🏼😆!!!! We stan a boundaries king!!!! If the relationship isn’t healthy and it’s not working for you, put up them BOUNDARIES. It was Ezra and Bea and making their family stronger without Darren or it was Darren. Honestly, the Mom was kind of dumb to pick Darren because he doesn’t really care about her, he only likes that he can control and manipulate her. Honestly, I feel for the Mom because she deserves so much better and to know that a guy can actually treat her right and that the way Darren treats her and her kids, isn’t right at all. I want to know more about the Mom’s parents because abuse is a cycle and I want to know what she has been through to feel like she has to stay with Darren. Also, I want to know if Oscar the Grouch raised Darren, this piece of trash 🤪. I’m joking, Oscar the Grouch has more manors and a better personality in one fur than Darren has in his whole being.

“‘Because this is what I’m saying: You’re not my family anymore. I have Bea. I have Terrence and his family. I have other friends, and I will find other family. . . Right now, I hate you both. I don’t want to. I don’t want to live like that. . . What I do know is that your position of mom is no longer an automatic right. It is something that you need to earn. Starting now.’

Her voice is calm. Certain. ‘I’m your mother. I’ll always be your mother.’

‘Yes,’ I concede, ‘you control that fact. But I get to control what it means.'”

(pg. 292)

Does someone have a mic I can drop?

Because DANG. Ezra really got his words right. I liked the idea of found family and how family is not blood. I also agree that just because someone is biologically your mom or your dad, it doesn’t mean that they ever acted like your mom or dad. You have to earn those titles through care, effort, and love. None of which the Mom, Darren, and biological dad ever had for the kids. I do think kids have the power over what to call their parents because those relationships are so sacred. I know when my parents divorced, I started calling my mom mother because it felt like she wasn’t my mom anymore. It wasn’t even a conscious switch, but I realized I did call her mother because I was angry at her. I think people forget that parents and children are a relationship and relationships are two-ways. If there isn’t mutual respect or love, either or has the power to choose what that relationship means to them.

“‘How did I raise two such unforgiving children?’

And this time I’m the one who laughs. Especially since she genuinely doesn’t seem to know.

‘I think it’s something we learned at home,’ I say.”

(pg. 292)

Don’t worry Ezra, I’m laughing with you 😂. He’s right.

We pick up who we are from our home life—-it starts at home.

DANG, when Ezra walked away, I WAS LIKE, “EZRA, YOU WALK OUT OF THERE AND DON’T LOOK BACK!”

It was painful to read Ezra and Joe going back to Ezra’s house to clean it out one last time. It was his official moment of leaving the house, and gosh did I feel really sad for him. This was his childhood house, and even if it didn’t hold many good memories, it was still someplace he could go when he had nowhere else to. It was also where Bea and him grew up. I could just feel the despondence, exhaustion, and confusion of Ezra as he packed up every last thing in garbage bags. I also teared up as he packed up Bea’s things too because he knew she wasn’t going back as well. They really didn’t have a home. But I loved how at the end of the email chapter, Ezra said how Bea was the only family he had left, and then Bea emailed back saying how much she loved Ezra. I could just feel that love and their shared grief for all the pain they felt and closed doors they had to have. I felt it. I would just like to state I was balling my eyes out because they were all each other had in the first place and all each other had in the end . . . but in a lot of ways they gained a bigger family with people around them who did care. But you get the point—-it was always their relationship that was the strongest.

“Your heart is stronger than any of the hurts inflicted. Even the ones that were self-inflicted.”

(pg. 279)

I really enjoyed how Bea and Ezra had their separate journeys that intertwined through these vast collection emails. I especially liked how Ezra battled what was going on at home with the Mom, so he was the one to confront that parent. Bea battled the outside forces of what could have been—the Dad—-so her confrontation was with the dad. I thought bridging the storyline like that was very smart because it showed both sides of the kids figuring out what went wrong in the family situation and trying to find solace in whatever happened next.

I liked how Bea brought peace by reaching out to different people in her life like Joe, Solane (her best friend), and her Mom. Freaking Anne. When I read the email to Anne, I felt angry and relieved because the Mom needed to hear Bea’s part. I was also angry for Bea because the Mom didn’t deserve anything from Bea for all she put Bea and Ezra through. Also, she wasn’t a very good mom for her lack of care. Bea brought out a good point though, was how some people aren’t meant to be mothers or parents. I do think some people might not be the best parents to take care of kids, and if they treat their kids like an obligation or a burden, then they obviously shouldn’t have had kids. Kids are a gift and they burst your buttons sometimes, but they bring more love and joy than you can ever impinge. I’m not a mother, but I work with a lot of kids in the classroom, and they bring more love and joy. That’s the reason. And I feel like if a person doesn’t appreciate or value that, then they should find a situation or a home for kids where they are valued and appreciated. I don’t know if I’m making sense. But the Mom wasn’t the best mom. 

I also liked how Bea reached out to Patch.

“Life is short. It’s too short to try to make other people happy by living their dreams. . . . Here’s the thing about trying to make them happy—the people who want you to make them happy usually aren’t happy people to begin with. If they’re asking you to do something you don’t want to do, something that’s not really you, they’re only going to be happy for like a minute before they find something else they need you to do for them.”

(pg. 304)

I felt personally attacked 🤪.

I mentioned my story before about people doubting me as a teacher, I also should say I am a people pleaser. Or I was a big people pleaser because I used to be like Patch in trying to keep the peace and make people happy with what they wanted or expected for me because I felt that was the only way they would ever love me. When I made all these changes, one of the hardest lessons I did learn was that people are never satisfied. If you change, you’re not good enough. If you stay the same, you’re not good enough. Everyone wants something from you and they will never be satiated and will find something to nit-pick, so at the end of the day, just do what makes you happy. Do what you want to do because who cares what other people want from you when they are not you. I think it’s also very powerful to say that people who ask others to make them happy, are not happy people themselves. I never thought of it that way, but I think that that’s true because hurt people hurt people even if the words don’t sound hurtful, but the intention does.

Oh, and I just loved the big F and U email Bea sent to her trash principal 😂. I CACKLED. What a LOSER. Good for Bea for basically telling the principal, “hey thanks for doubting me, but I know my worth and I’m going to do great things.” Good for her for also deciding she wanted to go to college to study something and find out what she was passionate about.

“All my life I’ve been told I’d never amount to anything. Almost everyone I know has written me off. That’s not an excuse, but it’s the truth. And I think I wrote myself off too. But I’m not doing that anymore.

(pg. 309)

I loved that for her 💛.

I hope the principal feels like a piece of sh** 🙃. As he should 👏🏼.

I brought out the tissues again when I read Bea’s letter to her dad 😢. It was the closure she needed. But most importantly, I loved loved loved her past and present self. She needed to write that for her; sometimes we write things for others and some things we write for us.

“And maybe I wouldn’t have gotten here if all these things hadn’t happened, if I hadn’t been lost and then found, lost and then found.”

(pg. 313)

Sounded pretty darn poetic to me 😭.

I really don’t wish the things her and Ezra had been through, but I think sometimes we do go through things and we realize how we wouldn’t be the people we are without those experiences. We wouldn’t have met the people in our life or been to the places we have been. And sure, the journey there sucked, but we are our experiences and sometimes we come out with more than we lost.

“Oh, and one more thing.

It’s wonderful when someone else sees you, the real you, but–and this may be the most profound thing I’ve ever thought or said—maybe the most important thing is seeing yourself.”

(pg. 316)

I also loved how Bea finally loved and appreciated herself. She reclaimed that power when so many people made her feel invisible, unwarned, insignificant, and unloved. She had herself, she had her brother, and the knowledge that other people saw something more in her 💛. But notably, she saw something in herself that was worth loving, fighting for, and holding onto. I agree that it’s important that we see our true self because we might get lost in what others paint of us, but we know who we are to our core. And I’m glad Bee finally saw that.

The last scene with Ezra also felt very wholesome. He had coffee with Jessica Wei. I would just like to say, she quickly became one of my favorite underappreciated characters with how understanding and comfortable she made Ezra feel. She also quickly became such a constant friend figure for Ezra who understood him when others didn’t.

“There’s no point hiding what’s happened to you, because other people’s mistreatment of you is their shame, not yours.”

(pg. 321)

Jessica Wei hit me with wisdom.

Going back to my parent’s divorce, I felt embarrassed to tell people when, really, it wasn’t something I did. It was my parent’s divorce, so it wasn’t, nor should it have been my shame. I had nothing to be ashamed about. But it’s funny how difficult topics can feel shameful, especially if those things happened to you. Why is that?

I don’t know when I started crying, but I felt the tears dripping down my face when I read:

“The past tense. . . All the things that happened to us—they are no longer happening. They happened. And that doesn’t guarantee anything, and it doesn’t erase all the pain our lives have had, but it also feels like we’ve proven that stories can change. The story we’re telling now isn’t the story we were forced to have. We’ve reached the better page.”

(pg. 322)

They got through it. They were on the other side of the tunnel or the darkness, or whatever sad metaphor. They made it through. And that really got to me because I was rooting for them to escape this heck hole they were in, and I’m glad they did. The uncertainty of where they would stay or go was still there, but at least they had the freedom and environment to heal or move forward. Gosh only knows healing from that or of pain is not easy, but I know Bea and Ezra will be okay because they have such a great support system. And they also have each other. They were each other’s family and I loved that 💛. Family is what we make of it.

“I’m hopeful. Not happy. Not yet. But hopeful.”

(pg. 70)

This was exactly how I felt after reading TMWYWYG 😭. Just a lot of emotions going on, but I was hopeful for Bea and Ezra’s future because it sounded like finally something good was going to happen in their life. And gosh darn knows they deserve it.

I genuinely never expected what their book would bring me—-tears, heartache, and healing. What a beautiful story that will stick with me for years 💛. Also, what hot-fire quotes, too. This was some next level writing for sure 👌🏼.

Some things I would have liked to read more about were London and Amelia. I wondered if Bea and Ezra were ever going to see them again or if they wanted to? Did they want to build a family with London and Amelia? I’m not sure, they seem like good people who would take Bea and Ezra in. I also got good vibes from Amelia. I think it would be good if they reached out to them. I also wondered if Ezra and London would get along.I also wondered more about Terrence’s family and their beliefs because it sounded like they didn’t really approve of Ezra and Terrence, but they went along with it. I want to know the story behind that and why the parents feel the way they do, but still go along with their relationship. I also wanted to know the real reason Bea didn’t talk to Salone all this time because in the beginning, I felt like the story alluded to a fight or some sort of tension between the two best friends that led to them not talking. So I wondered what it was or if I was just reading too much into the situation. But I think more could have been said for Salone’s arc. I also really wanted to know more about Patch—his home life, his upbringing, or if he ever sees Bea again. I think we touch and goes with Patch’s character and there wasn’t anything romantic about it, which was fine.

I would have also liked to have seen when Ezra and Bea finally got together because the whole book they were apart, which is bonkers to me because it felt like they were together the whole time. But it shows how their love spanned and grew in the distance. But I think a reunion moment would have really struck my tear ducts. Gosh, Imagine if both Bea and Ezra popped off on Darren and the Mom. That would have been iconic. Honestly, someone arrest Darren already 😂. Yea, that’s something I definitely want to see. Trash.

Anyway, what was your favorite part of the book? Least favorite part? 

What did you think of the book? Let me know below in the comments as I love hearing from you all 💕

If you could runaway to any city, which city or place would you go to?

I hope you have a beautiful day whenever and wherever you might be reading this 😊.

And as always, with love,

Rating

5 Full Bloom Flowers

Characters: I just wanted to hug Bea and Ezra the entire time . . . or adopt them 🙈

Writing: Story-telling through emails was such a creative idea that was done magnificently well.

Plot: I think when you look at the cover and you read the blurb, you kind of get a sense for the vibe of the book. But once you really read the story, it just surprises you in the best way. There’s something compelling about the storyline that many people can relate to on some level.

Romance: There wasn’t a lot of romance, bu there sure were powerful relationships. I absolutely loved Bea and Ezra 💛