October 2019 Quote: Love Forever and Always

“The last time I saw her was in a restaurant surrounded by her native food.

I never knew that would be the last hug.

The last smile.

The last kiss on the forehead.

I never knew.

No one ever does.

But I wished

I said it more:

I love you.

I always will.

– floweringpages

To those who have loved and lost,

In the picture above is my Grandma. I didn’t want to put her face all over the internet, so I cropped her head out, but let me paint you a picture of the top half of this photo. Imagine a dark skinned Filipino women with black short pixie cut hair that hugged her ears and nipped her neck. Think about a woman with her eyes closed shut in laughter with her mouth and teeth open in a smile. Imagine a wrinkled nose as she starts to laugh at something funny being said off camera. She held her favorite thing in the world: an orchid. She loved gardening. She loved orchids.

She was so loved.

The last time I saw my Grandma was August 2018 before I went to college, which started for me about August 7, 2018. We were at a Filipino restaurant celebrating my Uncle who was going to teach somewhere new so he got the whole family together to eat. It was a fun time because anytime with family is a good time, especially if it involved food. She sat on my table and we ate. We never really talked because the place was loud and our mouths were full from eating. I don’t clearly remembered what happened that day, but I know that I probably hugged her and kissed her goodbye along with my Uncle who was moving and my Grandpa that was with her. I probably hugged and kissed all my relatives goodbye. But I thought nothing of it.

I should have.

Her birthday was August 27 and because I was in college, I didn’t get to celebrate her birthday with her. My rest of the family did. They got to go over to her house and enjoy her beef skewers, her coconut mochi, her panic that could feed a tribe, her adobo, maybe her bamboo shoot, and hot dogs. She always made hot dogs for me. I always went to her birthday parties at her house so it kind of made me sad that I wasn’t there for this one. It was weird too because this was the first time I remembered I didn’t go and it was the first time my brother and sister were back from college so they went instead of me always going. So it was just weird. I didn’t think anything of it.

I should have.

Because October 2018, my Grandma joined the angels in heaven.

It was such a normal day and everything was fine to me. I was in school, I was going to have a test and all these things. And I just get a call that my Grandma was taken to the hospital and then the whole day I worried. Then we visited her that entire week and it’s so different to see your loved one like that. To see them hooked up to IV bags, looking pale on top of the cold sterile sheets of a hospital, to see the person look fragile. I remembered my heart dropped when I saw her and the tears came because my Grandma was full of life and there she was. Not.

I broke.

It hurt.

I had school.

I had so much things on my mind.

But I couldn’t think because all I could think about was how my Grandma was no longer with us. All I could think about was how the last time I saw her was before I went off to college and how I didn’t even go to her birthday party. I always went.

I could go on and on about how hurt and sad I was and maybe in another blog post I will, but for this one I won’t. Because this is her poem.

Life is so fragile, unpredictable, and delicate. You never know when.

Tell everyone you love and appreciate that you love them every single day.

Tell them unapologetically because you have nothing to be sorry for when it comes to how you feel about someone. You really don’t know when the last time you’ll see, hear, or talk to a person, so never forget to show that gratitude and love. NEVER FORGET.

Never take anything for granted either. Far too often we get distracted by life with work, with school, with outside curriculums, that we don’t prioritize the things that really matter. When everything was going on, I had school. I had tests. I had a final. Every part of my educational mindset told me, “School first, school first.” But you know when you look back on things, school and a test doesn’t matter as much as family, When you look back on life you’re not going tell you’re kids about life changing moment when you got an A on your final, you’re going to tell them about your Grandma and your family—the people and moments you love. No amount of school, work, stress, or outside things matters. Nothing. So I told my teachers that I wasn’t in the mindset to take a test or do the homework when I couldn’t think. And thank goodness my teachers had a heart and let me heal and feel things.

Enjoy each moment with your loved ones. Don’t think about the bills you have to pay when you get home or the homework waiting for you on your desk. ENJOY EACH MOMENT. Like I said, you’re not going to look back and think, “Wow, I loved studying X amount of hours.” NOOOO! You’re going to look back and think, “Wow, I loved that day my family and I went to the beach.” Make the most of those moments. I’m not saying though, ignore all your respondisblites because don’t do that either. I’m saying find a balance between them all. Your whole life shouldn’t revolve around school or work, but should include school and work, but also your family and what you love. Make time with your family and be there for events because every moment counts. Put down the computer, the phone, the reading, and pick up the karaoke microphone or the card game and have fun with the people in your life. Those are the memories that you should make.

Enjoy life. Enjoy each hour, each minute, each second, each millisecond because it all matters. It all counts. You never know. It’s sad and hard to think about, but know that you have to seize every moment and make it the best. As cliche as that sounds, it’s the truth. You can’t spend your life immersed in work and school because that’s not living the life you love unless you love work and school, then by all means do it. But find time to do other things that you enjoy or make you happy. Enjoy it all.

Laugh more.

Smile more.

Show your gratitude more.

Show your love more.

Do and be more.

It’s always hard to lose someone. It’s hard because we love that person and we care about them and the idea of ever living without them is hard. It’s sad. It’s devastating. There are not enough words to describe the overall PAIN and ACHE that comes with it. No words. But there are words that celebrate life and that show people you care. Those words are “I love you,” “Thank you,” or “You make me happy.” Use those words while you can.

There are things you can do. Live. Enjoy. Prioritize. Love.

I will always love my Grandma no matter where she is and no matter the time and space. I miss her cooking, I miss her smile, I miss her hugs, I miss her colorful dresses. I miss her.

But I’m glad I had time with her. I’m glad I enjoyed every moment with her and I’m glad I can call her my Grandma.

If you ever lost somebody, know that it’s okay to hurt and feel that, but time does heal as corny as it sounds. But I think people say it for a reason because there’s truth to it. You will get better. There will be hard days and sad days, but hold onto the good ones. Sometimes a good memory can bring back all those emotions. Feel them. But love them too as what they are and were: joy.

I hope you find nothing but love, laughter, healing, and good memories in life. And enjoy and seize it all. Here’s to celebrating you and your loved ones each and every day.

And as always, with love,

I love you Grandma xoxo