Favorite Moments of 2019

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Dear 2019, it’s that time of year where it’s the end of the year and we are going to reflect on all that happened in 2019—–the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I like to write these posts because I would like to look back one day and be like, wow that’s what happened this year.

I can’t say that this year was super transcendent for me, but a lot of small changes happened and you know, that’s just as good as the big moments. I never really traveled this year, no big changes like graduating high school or starting college this year, but I am a sophomore now in college and that hasn’t been fun 😂 This is an honest blog, so I’m not going to lie that sophomore year hasn’t been the best for me socially with feeling that sense of isolation all the time and it truly isn’t a place I like to be in mentally or feel. But that’s okay because I think that’s one of the things I’m going to touch on more as I write.

But even though I didn’t do crazy, spontaneous, adventurous things, I am so thankful to have had a year to reflect and to grow. I am so thankful for my family and friends for being my support and my love when I feel sad or low and for myself for staying strong in my moments of weakness. So I’m proud of what happened this year even if it wasn’t a lot because its those small moments that matter just as much.

So without further ado, here’s my favorite or just most memorable moments of 2019:

Got My Wisdom’s Out

On July 14, 2019, I got my gosh darn wisdoms out. I wonder why they call it wisdoms when literally it does not make you wiser?

But it was R-O-U-G-H! I was sooooooo beyond scared. It wasn’t even funny. The whole time before the procedure, I was shaking and then when I got into the room I cried because I never had a procedure like that before. I didn’t know how I would react to the laughing gas as someone who is kind of a petite person that has a low pain tolerance. I also didn’t know if the aftermath would be painful because if you watched any person on television or in life, they always seem loopy or bleedy afterwards and I have a strong dislike for all things blood and not being in control of my body or thoughts.

I was a wreck.

I remember that day, I calmed down and then they put the laughing gas on me. At first it felt like nothing, but then the nurse—-is that what you call a helper dentist?—-started talking to me and then all of a sudden I was getting loopy, tired, and dizzy. Every part of me started to feel lighter and bubbly. If you’ve never had laughing gas before, it doesn’t hit right away, but it’s like it slowly travels up your body until it reaches you all the way throughout. Anyway, for me, it made my fingers feel buzzy and tingly and my body felt a bit cold. I could feel my legs and everything, but it was uncomfortable because I wanted to fall asleep and I would have if that nurse never kept talking to me. Does your dentist talk to you when you’re getting work done? Mines, obviously does, but it’s weird because I don’t want to be rude and not say anything back, but then there’s things in my mouth and I’m nearly out of it, so they can’t blame me if I’m not feeling the most conversational.

It felt like FOREVER when I sat in that chair because it was just plain white room and I had a mask on me. In reality, I was probably alone in that room getting laughing gas-ed for about ten minutes. Longest ten minutes I tell you. Then more assistant dentists came in and started gossiping like I couldn’t hear them (I could).

Finally the dentist came in and when he got to work, he worked fast because I couldn’t feel a thing. I guess that was the point of the gas and the numbing shots. The shots didn’t hurt much except the one on the roof of my mouth. But everything happened lightning quick——he popped in and popped out and I was done. Afterwards, I wasn’t so much loopy but tired and that whole day I felt utterly disgusting!

I lied down, I was restless, I was hungry. It was ROUGH. It’s not all bleedy and loopy as you would think or they portray in the movies because I was pretty aware. My mouth did bleed, but I just spit it out. Right after getting out though, my lips felt all big and puffy like I got lip injections or lip fillers. Like if you want to feel like Kendall Jenner or Kylie Jenner, jus get your wisdoms out because my lips felt huge 😂 Anyway, that night I ate ice cream. Felt good.

Next day, I woke up, my face was all oily and crusty and my face has never been like that before so it felt even more disgusting. Each day was harder because everyone could eat and I couldn’t and I felt sore, but not too sore. If you ever got your wisdoms out, were you ever envious of people who could eat normal when you were going through it?

I remembered it was funny afterwards when people tried to talk to me or be nice and smile, and I couldn’t move my lips or my mouth because it would feel sore. I felt soooo bad because here a person was being nice enough to smile and tell me have a nice day and I couldn’t react to it because it literally hurt to do so. I remembered too that I watched Toy Story 4 during this time and I wanted to laugh and cry, but it was painful to do that too.

Numb All Over

The second week after getting my wisdoms out and I went for my follow up, I had a numb mouth. Honestly, one of the weirdest, most uncomfortable, and hardest things to feel and not feel. I wouldn’t wish for anyone to have felt or have gone through what I did in this week because it was the lowest I felt in a while.

Imagine that you think you’re gettin better and then things get worse.

That’s what it was for me.

So what does a numb mouth feel like?

It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try.

Whenever I had food in my mouth or tried to eat, everything inside my mouth grew heavy and leaden like you’re chewing on tar and then all of sudden you can’t feel anything in your mouth—-where it is, where to chew, or swallow. It literally feels like tar in your mouth and you can’t feel it, so all you do is spit it out. The thing was I had food in my mouth whenever I did try to eat and then it would grow heavy and I wouldn’t feel it after a while and because I didn’t know where it was in my mouth, I didn’t know where to swallow it because I didn’t feel safe to do so. So every time I tired to eat, I couldn’t. That week, I barely ate because I literally couldn’t and I felt worse each day because the numbest came quicker. At first, I could eat for a while and then it would come. But then whenever I did eat, it would instantly feel leaden and I would stop eating out of fear of choking or worsening the healing process; I was scared that if I kept eating that I was hurting my mouth, but at the same time by not eating, maybe I was hurting my mouth in not chewing like normal again.

So it felt low not to be able to eat and to not feel it. I would cry before eating and after eating because it felt like no matter how hard I tired, it would always be numb. And it’s scary because when I Googled it, no one seemed to have gone through what I felt and if they did, they said they had to get surgery or they lost a sense or that it lasts for six weeks. And to feel that numbness for that long would have felt beyond difficult and I didn’t want to feel like that.

I was scared.

On that Saturday I kept thinking how I didn’t know if I was ever going to eat “normally” again or if I was going to get better.

I prayed. I prayed. I prayed. I prayed.

And then that Sunday after I felt like at an all time low, I said screw it. I shoved food in my mouth because I was tired of not being able to eat and I thought if my food is going to feel numb in my mouth for a good while, I need to push past it and eat because I can’t live not eating. When thinking this it really put in perspective when I had eating struggles and starved myself, how lucky I was to even have the option to eat, but with this, I couldn’t even have that option.

I made it an option again. I ate through the numbness and said to heck with it.

Taking that leap made me feel better mentally and food wise because I was eating. I couldn’t feel it, but it was there. Then I felt my banana in my mouth when I was eating breakfast and then a broccoli when I ate lunch. At the time, I didn’t want to give myself false hope that I was feeling what I was eating, but as the days went on, that feeling of feeling my food when I ate came back.

It was such a rock bottom week and it taught me so much. Getting my wisdoms taken out taught me so much. I learned to be thankful for the way my body heals and works for me because I had four gaping holes in my mouth and I couldn’t feel my body healing them, but somehow it did. I learned to be more appreciative of feeling my food and eating it because what a crazy experience it is to eat and to taste and to feel that. Sometimes we do things so naturally or it comes to us so naturally that we don’t stop and recognize how lucky or how amazing it is we get to experience that. When I couldn’t feel my food, it made me beyond grateful to feel it when I could and to never take that for granted—-to never take anything for granted. It made me so much more grateful to smile and be expressive because when I couldn’t smile at people it was hard and it felt sad to not be able to express what I felt. When I have the chance, I choose to smile more, knowing how lucky I am to express that.

I also wrote this during my time of getting my wisdoms out. Maybe this can impart some perspective, or wisdom if you will on the experience:

Having had my wisdom teeth taken out this past week, I’m beginning to understand why they call it so. You see far too often we take for granted simple things like sight, hearing, seeing, and eating. This past week, it’s been so hard to eat and chew and it made me appreciate how delicate and intricate the body is and how we as people can eat. I never knew so many nerves and things were connected to the mouth and how that affects the whole body, but here are and we should be more aware of how precious everything is and works. Even the natural act of smiling is hard. I have never wanted to smile or laugh or cry so much as I had this week and where I physically couldn’t. It made me appreciate how simple it is to smile and to move my mouth when I could. It made me more in tune with my emotions and how thankful I am to feel and express the way I feel. So as painful as getting your wisdom teeth can be, it does give you something greater: gratitude. I am so thankful that I am alive and healing and that I can focus on my body, mind, and soul. I’m appreciative of the things my body does in healing and in working. I’m appreciative of smiling and feeling and being. I may not be able to do things like I’m used to and it feels like such a long process, but I have hope that I’m going to be back to normal again. And I hope I will. And when that day comes, I’m going to smile and be grateful for the way it comes.

Worst Cry

I have to include because it puts the good in perspective, right? Not the best moment of 2019, but one of the hardest things to have felt. It happened in February and at this point of my life, I think I just felt at an all time low mentally and was still going through a lot with not feeling happy with being so alone in college and not happy with myself. It was just tough in the beginning of the year and I remember my mother picked me up this day from college to go home for the weekend, and mind you, she isn’t the one who usually picks me up, so it was weird. And I also don’t have the best relationship with my mother either, so that car ride home was awkward as heck. But I don’t even remember fully what we were arguing about or what happened, but I know that there was traffic and my sister was there and she had the WORST vibes and energy that she snapped at me the minute I got in the car. And I was having the best day I had in a long time and when I just got in that car, all that happiness just drained out of me and when people say that you can catch people’s vibes, you truly can. It was so hard for me because it’s difficult enough to be happy when you feel that isolation as a college freshman, so to be put in a car with a snappy sister and a mother you don’t really talk to, is like a disaster waiting to happen.

So naturally I broke because my sister really brought me down and my mother was yelling at me about eating, which is a touchy subject for me. At this point in my life, I was starting to eat more and to be comfortable with that, but she wasn’t in my life enough to know that. So for her to yell at me to eat and to say all these rude things, triggered a place in me that I didn’t feel in years since I went through my eating struggles. I cried soooo much in that car and looking back on it, I wasn’t in a good place.

I really wasn’t.

And it didn’t help when she made it worse by continuing to breath down my neck about it. I remembered I felt like I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t see and my eyes would cross, my hands were shaking, and when I got out of the car and looked at the sky, I felt light headed. I rushed to the house because I felt like I was truly going to faint and I need to be out of that situation. I ran to my room and I sat down and focused on my breath, all the while texting my best friend since Kindergarten all about how I felt in that moment.

If she never texted me back all throughout that car ride or back when I was home, I really would have not gotten through that situation. I really wouldn’t have. It was also the first time I opened up about my eating struggles to her—let alone anyone outside my family—-and for her to not assume or say anything mean about it meant the world because it wasn’t and it’s still not easy for me to tell people I had eating struggles.

But that was one of the lowest times I have ever cried and I cry a lot. Not that that’s healthy, but I cried a lot growing up, and yet after 19 years, this was the first time I felt like I was going to faint from crying and like I couldn’t feel myself and was literally frozen over in sadness.

Edited and Finished Project Teal/OLT

This year in June, I edited project Teal/OLT more and I finally came to a draft that I feel like is the best that it was going to get. And it took a lot of editing and taking out words, but I’m proud of how far Project Teal/OLT has come. Again, if you want to check out my writing journey for Project Teal/OLT, you can click on the writing diaries tab on my blog. It would mean the world if you followed along because writing is a very independent activity, so for me writing about the experience makes me feel like I’m expanding that activity to you guys too. So come along on my writing journey. If not, that’s fine too. Do whatever makes you happy.

But for me, finishing a full book that I started in the summer of 2018 meant the world to me given how I’ve constantly tried to write books but always stopped because I would beat myself up about not writing the best. What going through the whole process of editing and writing Project Teal/OLT taught me was that I could actually go through that process and write. It’s not an easy process by any means necessary, but it was and is such a worthwhile process on the steps to one day, hopefully, achieving my dream.

Queried Project Teal/OLT

Part of that Project Teal/OLT writing journey/process was actually querying the darn thing 😅 And let me tell you, I had no idea what a query was, how to write it, or even if I was going to do it. It’s so intimidating to actually try to query your book because that’s the first step into getting a literary agent and I am going to have a whole blog post on it and when I do, I’ll link it, but for now, in a nutshell, querying isn’t easy. But it’s necessary if you want to go the traditional publishing route. When researching the whole process to get a book published, I was immersed in all the literary world lingo and things and it was so eye-opening to understand what most authors go through to get their book published, and that just magnified my respect for all authors because gosh knows they’ve been through the query trenches and over.

I’ve been in the query trenches and unfortunately, I’ve been rejected from all the emails I’ve sent. It’s honestly rough to get all those rejects because you think that you have good writing, and I’m not saying I’m the best writer and my query was rocking, because it probably wasn’t, but to me it was the best I think it was going to get.

So actually hitting send on my queries took a lot of courage from me and I’m proud of that.

I’m disappointed none of them worked out, but all the best authors, or doctors, dancers, singers, etc. get their nos. And this was my no and that’s okay. I’m going to keep writing, keep querying, and hopefully one day I’ll get that yes.

Started and Finished Draft 1 of Book 2/ Project Blue

Once Project Teal/OLT was done, I was like, “What should I do with my life?” 😂

Naturally, I wanted to write.

And Project Blue is a book I’ve been wanting to write for a long time. So after I got my wisdoms out and had all this free time at home, I sat down and did the one thing I didn’t do with Project Teal/OLT: I drafted and outlined Project Blue. One of the things I did with Project Teal/OLT is just go into it with nothing and made things up as I went. Granted, this strategy works for me and I like spontaneously writing. But sometimes it doesn’t work and I need that structure and this is a book that I knew needed that structure based on how I wanted to write it.

So I outlined and brainstormed towards the end of July and started writing it on July 26. By September 13, 2019, I was done with my first ever draft of Project Blue. With this book it was so much easier to write—-you can read about that in my writing diaries—- because it’s a story that hits close to home. So writing it was cathartic for me in the best way and it felt like a closure to a time in my life where I felt the lowest, but I also grew the most.

I hope this book truly can get published one day once I edit and query it as I think it’s a story a lot of people can relate to and I hope that it helps those who have been through heck and back.

I Made A Few Friends?

I put a question mark because I don’t even know if few is the right word 😂

I would say I made a solid one friend.

Not to get pity, but making friends in college is ROUGH. So I take one solid friend as a win 😅 I met her in music class and I sat next to her for more than half the semester and all of sudden we had to do this group project and I got grouped with her and my other friend. It’s crazy how I never talked to her because she was so quiet and seemed like in her own bubble, but when I started to talk to her, I realized how cool she was and how she’s a good person. I think in college, you think it’s hard to talk to people because everyone gives off the vibe of “don’t talk to me,” but literally everyone feels that way, so no one talks to each other. But truth is, people want to be talked to, so talk to them.

I would say I made other friends too, but they’re not as close to me, but they are genuinely nice people who would say hi to me or compliment me, so that has to count for something right?

My Not So Romantic Romance

I don’t have a love life, and I still don’t, but this was something interesting and came close to it.

So you know hot girl summer?

Yea, I was really feeling that mood for myself and not in the way of dressing up in a bikini and being “hot,” but what hot girl summer meant was a girl taking back summer and making it her own. It was about focusing on what made that girl thriving and happy and I was here for it. So I was living it up with my own not really hot girl summer because I’m not hot whatsoever, so I would say thriving girl summer because that’s more what that was.

So there I was, thriving and living for me. I was exercising and channeling good energy and there’s this guy—–not going to say names—–and I noticed he hadn’t been coming to the (place) [I’ll say place to keep it confidential] lately. He worked at the place since it opened and in hindsight, I always knew he worked there, so it was odd when he wasn’t there for about a month. I kind of wondered what happened to him because he was the longest person who worked at this place and it wasn’t unusual for people to quit and move on, but he just seemed to be a constant at his place.

I thought he quit after all this time, which is fine, but then one summer morning when I drove to this place by myself and I was doing my thing, and he appeared out of no where and I was like, “Wow, he didn’t quit.”

So that just made me more aware of said guy and how he was always there, and he usually works on weekends in the afternoon and not really the morning so it was weird that he was there in the morning and that I was there to know that.

Then things started to happen.

1) My phone dramatically dropped to the ground. I was going to slow down and grab my phone, but said guy rushed out of no where, picked up my phone and brandished to me like it’s some Cinderella shoe to me. Of course, I said thank you. I thought nothing of it.

2) I opened the door for him when I saw him coming into this place with a big box in his hand and I’m not a rude person as to just let the door close. So of course, I held it open for him and I would have done that for anyone no matter the box and all. But I think he didn’t expect that I would do that. He said thank you.

3) Next time, I’m walking out this place, he held the door open for me like I did him. Again, it could have been just a courtesy thing like I do, but more things started to happen.

4) Anytime I was at this place, he was always near me. Not in a creepy way, but I would notice his proximity. If I was somewhere, he would be there for no reason whatsoever. If I was somewhere else, he would nonchalantly try to be there too, doing something random in that area.. After a while, I just thought there was something weird about it because surely a guy wouldn’t just constantly be near you unless he wanted to be near you, right? I don’t know man, but I was getting a vibe.

5) Then I was walking out this place one day and he was walking and doing his rounds at his workplace, checking things and looking around. So it caught me off guard and was like, “Have a nice night,” and like an idiot, I said “Thank you.” Thank you?

Idiot. Honestly, if I thought I was an idiot, he probably felt like one too.

But that’s what gave me more of a vibe because out of all my time I’ve been at this place and he’s worked at this there, no way have I ever seen him willingly go out of his way to tell a person have a good night randomly. Like I noticed if he would say have a good night to people if they talked to him at his desk or something and that’s cool, but not just a person walking out, you know?

6) There were other times he seemed to come near me and tried to talk to me, but always walked away like he was scared. Like when he was randomly doing something and I got done and went to leave, I thought he was going to say something because he looked like he did, but didn’t.

7) And we can’t forget this on: I was leaving the facility of this place, and he was coming into the facility and just walked through the doors. But when I was walking out and the automated door was closing, he pressed the button to make sure it stayed open for me. Like who does that?! I bet if it were any other person, he wouldn’t have done that, but he did it for me. I wasn’t even going ou too the automated door, but the door next to it and yet he pressed the button.

Just the thought meant so much and I turned around and said thank you to him of course because I’m not a prick and he turned around too. I’m not sure he heard me, but I hope he knows how much that meant to me.

And just everything accumulating up, it just felt like he liked me.

I’m probably making up this crush in my mind, but I just kind of knew it deep in my bones. There’s this saying:

“If he likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.”

And call it girl intuition or a gut feeling, but I just knew he liked me because I wasn’t confused based on all the kind gestures he did and the way he would constantly be near me like he wanted to say something. All this time, I just wanted him to know that I did notice him and I still do. If he were to have talked to me, I would have been completely open to it, honestly, I was waiting for him to be like, “Hi, what’s your name?” or to strike up a conversation with me, but he never did. Granted, I could have talked to him in that way, but I’m younger than him, or so I think, and I’m shy, so I wanted him to make a move. He also seemed like a shy person so I get why he would be nervous to talk to me and it might seem unprofessional if he talked to one of the gym members as a worker, so I get it. But I was really rooting for that.

It’s kind of sad to think.

Because he’s the first guy to ever treat me with kindness and I will genuinely say a part of me did like him.

Summer ended and still nothing happened and part of me was sad because I knew this meant I would go back to school and wouldn’t see him at the gym, but then again he only worked weekends so it’s not like I was missing much. When I did go to the gym on the weekends, I would see him and something just shifted whether it be in me or him.

He hardly came around me, he didn’t do anything kind for me because an opportunity never presented itself, and he was hardly around in general. It’s natural though because life got busy. My summer crush started to dwindle a bit because nothing happened and there was a part of me that was tired of waiting for something to happen. So I told myself to get over him because if he didn’t like me anymore, then I would have to move on. And I just felt like because he wasn’t around more, it gave me time and space to move on. But when he was around, it was hard to stop thinking of all the kind things he did for me and to hope that something more could have happened.

But that’s the thing with me. I tend to have crushes on guys way too quickly because if they do one nice thing for me, I mistake it as love. So I knew I needed to get over this idea of more when maybe it was just kindness at the moment and that’s all that was.

Months went on and by November, I kind of stopped liking him a lot. Didn’t mean I didn’t care about him or wished him the best. But I just didn’t feel as crushy as I did over the summer.

So nothing happened and that’s why I say my not so romantic romance because I think deep down we both knew we liked each other, but we were two shy people to act on it. As months went by, I think I gave up on it and then I think because he thought I gave up on it, he’s been trying to get over it and it’s just kind of sad the way a crush falls out before it could have ever been something.

There was this fortune that I got at Panda Express during this time when I was trying to get over this crush and it said something along the lines of an admirer is trying to get over me or something and I literally laughed out loud because it was sooo fitting to the situation. That’s why I kind of believe in fortune cookies because gosh knows I felt that.

And I do feel like these past few months, he has been trying to get over me. For one, he tries to avoid me at this place now because wherever I am, he all of a sudden disappears. He doesn’t even look at me or.

The thing is, I don’t think I liked him as much as I thought I did, I liked the idea of him and the way he treated me. And that’s the biggest thing this guy taught me because really, no guy has ever, ever gave me that type of kindness or attention and just having that for some time felt like I was finally seen or like a guy could actually like me. I’m not the type of girl guys typically like. So I didn’t know what that was like to actually be treated in such a kind, respectful way way. And I now know I will never settle for less than a chivalrous, courteous person. If I wasn’t treated in that way by this guy, then I would have never known that that’s one of the biggest qualities that matters to me. So even though I don’t think we’re meant to be—-or who knows?—-I do think that he was a good lesson; a season for a reason. 

I highly doubt he’s going to read this and that’s why I’m spilling all the tea today, but this is my closure on this part of my life in knowing that the right person will come along. I am just thankful for this guy for making this shy, insecure girl feel seen and for treating me with the respect and kindness all girls deserve. But right now, this girl is working on herself and finding security each day to just be happy with being independent and to not worry about filling a void of loneliness with a boy. Because that’s not going to be a cure all. It starts with me. 😊

Better Relationship with Food

For the past three years, I haven’t had the best relationship with food. I would always tell myself I couldn’t have this, or I couldn’t have this. That this food was “bad” or that food was “unhealthy.” I always limited myself in what I could eat from portion to actual food. I would only eat one plate of food and not eat breakfast, but just a snack and dinner. For a snack, I could only eat fruit and a granola bar and for dinner I can eat whatever I wanted because somehow, not eating for the rest of the day meant I deserved to eat.

Doing this made me fall into a rut and I was never happy. It used to be worse than this, but it has gotten a lot better.

I learned that all our lifestyles and bodies are different and you have to eat and what works for you. What works for me is to intermittent fast during the week (not weekends) and then eat after that. I don’t really eat breakfast anyway during the week and then I eat a salad or grapes or toast for lunch to give me energy to work out. Then at dinner I try to incorporate vegetables and things. That’s just what I eat, and by no means I’m I saying you need to eat like this or that it’s “healthy,” but it’s what I found makes me sane and for the most part happy. I can still eat what I want and not feel completely on empty energy and it’s a balance given how much I used to restrict myself.

From a podcast called Pretty Basic by Alisha Marie and Remi Ashten/Cruz, the two queens, they taught me so much about finding that balance and healthy relationship with food. Both girls went on a health journey and when they went through it, I was going thorough it to, so to have them to look up to when I was living through what they were, meant a lot to me. They saw this nutritionist called Dr. Goliga who does nutritional plans based on a person’s metabolism because everyone, again, has different bodies. I think that’s pretty smart if you ask me. It also explains why no diet fully works. Sure it works for the moment because if you’re eating a certain meal plan and food, then you can lose weight, but you can only lose so much for a while before you plateau and then it stops working because you’re body works differently. So that’s why doing a nutritional plan based on metabolism works best because it works best for that certain person. There’s three times of metabolism with carbs, meat, and 50/50 with carbs and meat.

Through them I learned so much about nutrition and knowing that if they can eat as much food as they did and still looks beautiful and be as healthy as they could be, I could also do that too. I was kind of more like Remi in under eating in and over exercising and when doing that you really don’t feel the best and when Remi was feeling all that, I was feeling it too. And I learned that if you under eat and over exercise at that rate, you’re depriving your body of what it needs to grow and to function. Also, what was mentioned was how if you over exert yourself and never fuel up, you’re not really losing weight because your body is storing onto the extra fat because it needs to draw energy from when you’re under eating.

One of the things that stuck with me and is what made me find this healthy balance with food that works for me is knowing that food is not the enemy, but it’s the fuel. It’s kind of like a car. If you don’t give the car gas, if you don’t fuel yourself up with fuel, the cars not going to run, and you’re not going to be able to fully function either. If the car is running on empty, there is always a few more miles of gas as backup, but then that runs out and then you’re left stranded with nothing. It’s the same with people. If you’re exercising like crazy and never filling yourself up, sure, you’re going to have those little bursts of miles for backup to get you through all that strenuous work you do, but one day, you’re going to be left weak and empty. You have to fill yourself up to work hard and live. The only thing that makes food bad is out mindset in saying a certain food is “bad” or “unhealthy.” Because all food to some extent is “bad” or “unhealthy,” but it’s about moderation and eating right.

It’s truly one of the biggest things I’ve learned in really changing my outlook on food.

It’s not the enemy.

It’s the fuel.

Feed yourself to heal yourself.

Made Time For Life Long Friends

One of the things that was hard with college was making time for friends who I’ve known for a long time. It was difficult because they went to different colleges, they had work, or were busy and so it was hard for our schedules to align where we found time for each other as well.

With it being sophomore year in college and everything and feeling a bit more isolated than usual, I really found that it helps to have good friends and that meant making time for my long term friends who have been there for me for a long time. I genuinely love all my elementary school friends and how kind and special their hearts are, so it’s such a special time for me when I do get to spend time with them. I love my friends from elementary school and if they’re reading this, then I hope they know how much I appreciate you and how I love and miss each and every one of you 💞

Passion for Fashion

Going into this year, I would say my fashion was very one note. I liked shopping and I was starting to like clothes. If you haven’t read my Passion for Fashion blog post, I’ll link it below, but it explains why I grew to really love fashion. But in a summed up note though, I never thought I could ever wear certain clothes because I was a certain weight and that made me dislike shopping and clothes.

I feel like I’m in a place where I am okay with who I am and that allowed me to explore fashion and to experiment with different looks. I mean, life is an occasion and you have to dress up for it. I understand not everyone has the means to buy expensive clothes or to dress up all the time and it’s not like I buy expensive clothes either or dress too fancy, but I try to dress in ways that make me feel confident and expresses who I am.

I love it and it makes me happy and if other people give me weird looks for wearing something “too fancy” to them, then that’s their problem and not mine. So do what makes you happy.

Tried Ballet Again

I grew up dancing ballet and jazz at my local studio, but stopped when I got to high school because the company I danced at never put me in the next level of dance.

Here’s the tea ✌🏼

I was like 14 or so and I was in junior jazz, which is for eight to ten years old. I’m not the best dancer and I have no shame saying that because I know, but I danced at that studio since they pretty much opened and they never moved me up. So I told myself if I didn’t get into teen jazz because, you know, I’m a teen, I would stop. So comes audition day for teen jazz, I’m running late and I get paired up with the BEST dancer to audition with.

I already knew I was stopping after that. Because I sucked at that audition and I know it. I mean, they had the best dancer to compare me with—-the suckiest dancer, so of course, I was set up to fail anyway.

Suffice to say, I stopped jazz, but I missed dancing ballet. A part of me always missed dancing as I grew older because I grew up doing it, so it felt weird to see dancers and to not want to join them.

So when I found out college had ballet and I could get legit three credits for it, I was like, why not?

Going back into dancing after all this time was hard. It was exciting at first because I remembered all the different ballet moves and terms and I thought since I danced before, I would be good.

What a joke.

I wasn’t good, but I tried and I had to really step back and remind myself that I hadn’t done this in years and to be gentle with myself. Other girls in the class were way better than me, but to know that I tried each day, gave it my all, meant a lot. I also liked being able to wear tights, the leotards, and the slippers because it really made me feel the part. I also liked the people in that class because there was one day where class was kind of cancelled but we all stayed and chatted with each other about yoga, how one girl who I thought was so much younger was actually in her PhD, and how this one girl who I thought was elegant with her moves, actually hated dance. It was fun to be in a group of girls and feel a part of something bigger.

All in all, I really do like ballet, but I would never do it professionally. I just have so much respect for dancers in general.

Giving Back

In high school I would always volunteer, but then I really stopped during freshman year in college because I wanted to focus on adjusting to being independent and the work load. And you know that whole freshman year, I felt isolated, alone, and sad.

But going into sophomore year, it felt like I was used to that isolation and sadness, that I was like, “No we’re going to try to be happy and do something different.” Since I knew what college was kind of like already, it gave me more time to focus on my mental well-being and to focus on things that mattered. One of which was giving back.

In one of my classes we had to volunteer for an assignment, which got me back into volunteering where I sold mochi. Not the most exciting or world chaining experience, but it was such a fun night to be out in public and to see people in my community. It felt good to say hi to everyone that stopped by and I never said hi so much in my entire life, but I don’t regret a single one because I had so much fun. There really is nothing better than giving back because it makes you feel like you are a part of something bigger. And I feel like there’s only so much of yourself that you can focus on and if you only pour your energy into yourself, you fail to realize that the world is so much bigger. So to put myself out there as to care for others besides myself felt really good.

Volunteering and giving back was something I was missing during my freshman year. And since then, I have volunteered more because it brings me joy to see others so joyful. People are just people at the end of the day and we all just want to live well and to be happy and events that I have volunteered at probably don’t impact the world in the most profound way, but it makes a small difference to a person’s day and that matter just as much. To be a part of that means just as much too, and them some.

Finding Happiness

Ultimately what this year brought me is self-discovery. When I talked in the beginning of not a lot of big changes, but subtle small changes, this is what I meant. Because I can thoroughly look back and say that I am not the same person I am from the beginning of the year. The person I was in the beginning of the year still felt isolated, sad, and silenced. She felt vulnerable and tired. She was broken and still healing.

But the girlI am now is someone who understand that I will have days that break me and days that make me; I will have the good and the bad; the happy and the sad; and that is totally okay. But through all those moments, to always ground myself in appreciation for who I am, what I have, and what I learning. Because I genuinely believe that you go through things for a reason and they teach you to be stronger and what you need to be happy or to be who you are. I went through a lot of ups and downs this year, but not as bad as the previous years, but in those moments where I felt like I cried my worst, or felt a lot of darkness and pain, I told myself to hold onto better days and to count my blessings. When doing that, it made me so much more appreciative because in life we tend to take things for granted, but when you remind yourself how lucky you are for everything and for each day, it puts things in perspective. It makes me want to love harder, live larger, and be happier.

I always felt like I couldn’t be happy because I didn’t have a lot of money, not a lot of friends, or a boyfriend. So I wasn’t happy. But when I took all those things out, I realized at the end of the day, none of those things are going to make me as happy as I can in the present moment with myself. I have to learn to appreciate each moment in the gift it truly is and to do what makes me happy. I can’t wait for all those things to come into my life and fill it up because they aren’t. I can have all the money in the world and yet I don’t think that would make me truly happy. I can have all the friends in the world and yet I don’t think that would make me truly happy. I can be in a relationship and yet I don’t think that would make me truly happy.

What makes me happy is me.

It’s me.

My perception.

My life.

I have to live it and feel it to me.

When I learned this, I really tried to fill my life up with things that made me happy because that’s what matters and I have to learn to be okay with being independent and relishing in it right now. So I listen to podcasts whenever I’m lonely and if I had never found podcasts, life would feel a lot more quiet. I listen to music to dance or sing to. I blog because it’s my outlet for feelings. I write books and poetry to also emit how I feel. I craft, draw, and paint to be creative. I watch TV and movies that are cute or awe-inspiring. I work out to give my brain a break and to work out for my mind, body, and soul. I read books to escape reality and live in a beautiful or messed up world.

I do what makes me happy. And that’s more than I could have said in January when I felt lost and sad with who I was.

Each day, I’m still trying to find myself and fill my life with happiness that I can give myself and it’s hard, so it will be a challenge and that’s okay. Just do your best and know you’re not alone. You might feel it all the time and it hurts, I know, but it gets better. Focus on you because it starts with you.

I’m rooting for you.

But those are most of the memories or lessons that stood out to me this year. It was a crazy ride of ups and downs and I didn’t do much in the grand scheme of things, but I do think I’ve grown a lot into accepting who I am.

I’ve learned to be kinder to myself with working out and eating because I used to always beat myself up on it, but my body does so much for me and if I’m tired or sore, I should rest. I’ve been better on that, but I’m still stubborn. And if I want to eat something, I should also loosen up too, but again I’m tough as nails—-some might say a bit stubborn—when it comes to that. I’ve also learned to pour my love into myself and truly find solace in being independent in who I am. I trust that one day someone will come along and treat me with kindness in the way I deserve and that it’s good to always hope for that, but not to be hung up about it to the point where I’m not living for me.

One of the biggest things that I want to manifest or work on next year is just being happy for me more. I always used to think that I needed to be in a relationship—mind is a constant boy merry-go-round—–but I think I should just channel my energy on me and bettering myself so one day I can contribute something meaningful to someone’s life.

I want to spend less money because gosh knows I have a shopping addiction as bad as Becky Bloomwood. So I’m limiting myself to like $50 or one dress, two shirts, and one legging a month at most.

I hope to make meaningful friends in knowing that I really want a good connection with people in life and I miss that.

I manifest maybe finding love, but who knows because I’m going to manifest self-love and betterment.

I’m hoping to move back home for junior year of college instead of dorming because being in the dorm, as much as it is a growing situation for me, I feel like that environment of being so isolated isn’t healthy for me and doesn’t make me as happy as I know being home would.

I want to write another book and edit it. I want to edit Project Blue and query that probably after I graduate college because I think that I don’t want to rush it with this one and what for the right time to do so. I don’t want to rush into things that’s why with writing in knowing that timing is everything.

I want to eat cleaner and get back on that health journey because holidays kind of make you stock up for the winter if you know what I mean 😂

Anyway, I can’t wait to really take in the new year and to make it mine. I hope it truly will be a better year or self-love, growth, friendship, family, discovery, knowledge, and maybe love. I don’t know. But I hope its going to be good and I hope your new year is going to be twice as better.

If you read this far, truly thank you!

What were your favorite moments of the year? Of the decade? Most awkward moments? What are your new years goals/manifestations? Let me know below in the comments below as I love hearing from you all.

Here’s to the year ahead of us,

As always, with love,