August 2020 Quote: Worse Before Better

“Things have to get worse before they get better.”

To everyone who needs to hear it, It’s kind of a morbid thought if you think about it for too long, but there’s a lot of truth to this quote too. Back in March of this year, I thought to myself, “Oh, this would last two weeks at minimum or two months at maximum.” I thought things would get back to normal soon because everything seemed to be going downhill really quickly in America and then the world. And this quote popped into my head back then and it popped into my head again.

I thought it was the worse in March—-I would cry a lot, I felt unmotivated, sad, disheartened, confused, and alone. And then things started to slow down, there were less cases, and I kind of adjusted to the new sense of normalcy we all faced. You know what they say? It takes two weeks for something to become a habit or a routine. So it took that amount of time and kind of longer to adjust to what we were all going through—-staying at home, not seeing people in person, and not really going out. It felt like the worst.

Then slowly, but surely places started to reopen again. Albeit, a little bit quickly in some states if you ask me, but I understood where people were coming from. They wanted a sense of normalcy again and they were eager for that lifestyle again that they jumped into it without really thinking through the long term repercussions of their actions. And it’s hard. I can’t fully judge anyone and their actions or plans for reopening because we’re all going through a lot right now and no one truly knows what they are doing and if it is right. So places reopened first with the hair dressers and nail salons because gosh knows people didn’t want to risk cutting their hair during this time even though hair grows back for the most part. Where I live, the thing that opened up first were bars, which made me laugh outright because in the middle of a pandemic, why do we feel the need as people to go drinking AT A BAR? 😂 It just seemed comical to me that that’s the first thing that we would do. What was the first thing to open up where you live?

But anyway, where I live there wasn’t a huge surge of cases once things reopened. There were cases here and there, but now . . . there has been more—–more cases than there was back in March.

And my heart just continues to drop each day the higher the cases get. It just breaks my heart because there I was thinking back in March that we’ve been through the worst of it and that we’d be fine by now or that things would be better and to know that it’s not—-that it’s worst—-just squeezes and constricts my heart like a dried out lemon. There are no words.

I’m a big over thinker. I get into these mindsets and spirals where I make myself sad about all the things I’m thinking about.

Pandemic.

What will school look like?

Lebanon.

Black Lives Matter.

Climate change.

Pollution.

Election/politics.

UPS.

More pandemic.

Personal hardships.

Depression.

Fear.

Student debt I’m going to be in.

Lack of social skills I’m going to have.

The list goes on and on and on and it goes on and on and on in a circle. This is what it’s like inside my mind. My mind’s a very overwhelming place to be, especially this year.

Whenever I have these spiraling thoughts, I cry. It’s not healthy. But I cry because it just makes me feel, if I’m being honest, kind of hopeless. Devastated. Confused. Frustrated.

I don’t want to be a negative platform and bring the mood down, so I’m not going to get into all those emotions and things I feel because that’s not going to help anyone. But when I find myself even feeling the tiniest big of hopeless, devastated, confused, or frustrated, I remind myself of all that I am grateful for in the moment. Then I tell myself it will be okay. We might not know when, we might not know how, we might not know why. But it will be okay and it won’t feel like this forever.

That’s the biggest thing that I have to tell myself each day: It won’t feel like this forever. It won’t be like this forever.

I hope.

Because gosh only knows that yes, this pandemic has impacted the world in insurmountable ways and there’s not going to be a normalcy like we had before for a long time. And that’s okay. Change is good and it’s helping us grow. I think society was operating in comfort for many years—-that we went to all the parties, we hustled, we shopped, we ate out—-we did everything to escape. This year forced us to slow down and prioritize what mattered. It made us reevaluate what we want to do in life and where we want to be. It made us realize there are bigger issues out there worth fighting for and educating ourselves about. That is the beauty of everything going on in the world. I can only hope we move forward as a more progressive, accepting, united world through this and that we can change for the better and to never take any person, situation, or thing for granted.

I was thinking about this the other day in how I would always go to Target every weekend. I would just walk aimlessly walk down aisle after aisle because gosh knows Target is my equivalent to Disneyland 😅—-absolute joy and magic. And the home decor section? *Chef’s kisses* 😘👌🏼 Love home decor! I would put things in the cart, things I didn’t even need. You know what I’m talking abbot 😂. And I would do that. Every. Single. Weekend. (Well, most weekends). And now I don’t go to Target that much. Like once every two months. And it sucks 😂. But it’s fine. Reminiscing on the days I could walk through a Target, mask-free, touching things on the shelf without a thought of germs, to be near other people and not fear that, and to just be out and about. Because the first time I went to Target since March was June because I needed feminine care products and I needed it right then and there, so I went to Target. And it was such a different experience. It was the first time I had been out in public and to see everyone wearing masks was the most weirdest, but securing thing to see. It felt weird to even walk into Target. It was like I forgot how to walk in public😅! I didn’t know where to swing my arms or put my hands. I didn’t know if I should keep my head up or not. I didn’t know if I should touch things on the shelfs. Heck, I didn’t even want to touch things, I just stared at first. It was so weird to see how many people were far a part from each other. And so beyond awkward to look at people when I was wearing a mask and feeling the need to smile at them, but heck they wouldn’t be able to see it anyway, so then it just looked like I was staring at them. I mean, facial expressions took on a whole new meaning 😂. It was such a sad experience from what I knew.

And this is what I mean to never take a situation for granted. To go to Target, to be at school, eat out at a restaurant, watch a movie, etc. Because I’ll be honest, I thought that was normal and I didn’t think much of it. But going forward, my goodness, I will always look at social public situations as such gifts to be thankful for. I will also always be more cleanly and aware of my surroundings in those situations, but it’s just overwhelming and interesting how much life had changed. It humbled me.

I also watched the Kissing Booth 2 recently on Netflix, and a lot of people say it’s not a good movie, but personally I LOVED it. The dance dance competition part? LOVED 💕. I was rooting for MARCO!! 😆 But I’m not here to talk about that 😂. What I want to talk about was how celebratory and fun life seemed in the movie with the nights at the carnivals, the school days, the graduation, all of it made my heart hurt a bit to see all these beautiful moments we had, but can’t have right now. I hope to gosh that we have those moments really soon.

I can’t wait for the moment when I can see my friends, to go to a mall, to go to a bookstore, to travel, to learn with my peers and teacher, and other moments. I can’t wait to sit down at my favorite yogurt shop and fill up my cup to the top with sprinkles and mochi bits. I can’t wait to go to my favorite Italian restaurant and eat their endless supply of garlic knots or go to my favorite breakfast place and get the banana pancakes. Ugh, now I’m hungry! But I miss those moments and I know that I will have those moments again one day. And I hope you do too! 💕

So at the end of the day, for better of worse, know that right now things feel like the absolute worst, but things need to get worse to get better.

Because how would something be the best if there were no worsts? How would be know happiness if there was no sadness? How would we know love if we didn’t know pain?

From this we can only get better and be better. Sure, we’ll all go through our personal hardships and maybe other hardships going froward as a world and yes, those moments will feel like ABSOLUTE HECK, but we will get through them and it will make us better people, stronger people. People who are more appreciative, who are more in-tune with ourselves and others, and people who are more compassionate.

I mean, even if this season has been absolutely painful and hard, I want you to ask yourself has it made you more appreciative? Has it made you more aware? Has it given you time to do what you’ve always wanted? Has it given you the space to be where you want to be? Has it allowed you to pour your love into yourself? Has it shown you how you can pour your love into others? Has it taught you more about life?

And if you answered any of those questions yes, then you are growing and learning and doing everything, I think, this situation is teaching us. And if you answered no to all of those questions, that’s fine, maybe you’re growth is something bigger or something different. We’re all on different paths.

My last thoughts is to always hold on to whatever makes you happy and gives you hope. It’s okay to have sad thoughts and to be sad or overwhelmed, but don’t let it ruin your day, your month, or your year. Life is too special for our mindsets to ruin what good be a time in our life of such pivotal change in the best way.

Things get worse before they get better.

It only gets better.

And if it doesn’t—-it get’s worse, or it gets better and worse again—-it still does: get better.

Sending you all my love today and everyday,